Is it OK to Contact Blood Relatives?

Question

If, for example, an adult adoptee contacts their first mother and she rejects contact, would it be wrong of that adult adoptee to accept that and then move on and contact other members of their family like aunts uncles grandparents etc?

If so, why?

(Somebody here referred to doing this as 'appalling' and I'd like to know why it's considered appalling for an adoptee to exercize their right to freedom of association, please)

Answer 1

Carnie is way out of line on this one. Sorry Heather that she is attacking you this way! =) Most adoptees have relationships with other members of the family, while the mother does not want one. In some cases it's because the family seeks out the adoptee. While other adoptees move on with their lives once their mother says no to a reunion. Not all adoptees are stalkers like Carnie tries to make them out to be.

Answer 2

Yes & Keep going till your satifised in what you seek.

Answer 3

well, i wouldn't consider it appalling but, you have to keep in mind the feelings of the mother, maybe no one knows she had a baby and gave it up, perhaps she is embarrassed or ashamed!  there are hundreds of reasons why women give up kids, maybe now she has closed that chapter in her life and doesn't want a can of worms opened.  I guess her wishes should be  respected, maybe the adoptee should ask the mother for permission to contact relatives! that would be the proper thing to do=D

Answer 4

Yes it is.  The birth family may not agree with the birth mother.

Yes some birthmothers are terrified of having their biological child find them.  Unfortunaley, I have not found any search sites for biological families.  In my exes family one birth mother put 2 children up for adoption (they are the big family secret).  Both children were daughters and they have two 1/2 siblings (both grown) who do not know about them.  They also have numerous cousins.  

My husband and myself have no biological tie to these two women (now close to 40 years of age) but I personally would like to know if their ok and would be open to relationship as in my blended family we have six of their biological cousins.

**Before my husbands first wife passed she had her name on some list for these two women but that information was lost when she passed away.

Answer 5

I think you need to know the reasons why the birthmom rejects contact, if it is becasue she has kept you a big secret lie then I would proceed on the side of caution and inform the birthmom of your intention, you being a secret might be the only reason she doesn't want contact. That doesn't make it right and you should be allowed to know your family.

Answer 6

In our society we have freedom of association.  Unless I've done something to warrant a restraining order against me, I have the right to make contact with anyone I please and vice versa.  If that individual wishes no further contact, then I don't make further contact.  However, that wish is in regard to that INDIVIDUAL only.  That individual's wishes cannot and should not dictate and manipulate the relationships of other family members.

If my ex-husband and I don't wish contact with one another, I can still have a relationship with my ex-husband's family member who do wish to continue a relationship.    Why should they be denied a relationship with me, or me with them, simply because my ex and I no longer will no longer be in contact?  

People have to stay away from entire families if they are not having contact with ONE member of that family?  Wow...one person doesn't want contact so that one person gets to manipulate everyone else's choice as to whether or not to have a relationship.  Nice.

Perhaps adopted persons should be required to move away if it turns out they are in the same town as their first parents.  After all, the adoptee's children and the first parent's raised children's children may attend the same school.  Perhaps the adoptee and the sibling whom the first mother raised end up on a field trip together because of it.  Oh, this will not do.  Somebody call a cop.

Answer 7

Yes its okay to contact birth relatives.

If the birth mother rejects contact, that's her problem not yours.

You have every right to contact extended family.  They are your family.  There is this thing called independent thinking and although bmom wants no contact, extended family maybe open to include the adoptee as a member of their family.

Why, because you are a part of them.  You are a part of that biological family.  Adoption does not sever blood lines.

imho.

As an abuse survivior you are taught someone making you keep THEIR secrets is abusive.  Something to think about.

Answer 8

ah, what the heck, just force the reunion with the bmom.  just keep contacting people all around until she finally breaks down and gives in.  You say you only want medical info but really, it's more than that.  You need to feed some deep seeded hunger in you and you will stop at nothing to do it.

I'm the one that referred to it as apalling because i think it is horrible to disregard someone's feelings (that you purport to love even though you've never met her) yet force the reunion.  You know as well as I do that if she says no and you just keep calling all her relatives to blow her secret out of the water and disrupt her life just so you can have a relationship?  that's apalling.  I'ts not about OBC's or medical records, it's about forcing yourself on someone.

contactin the bdad after bmom says no is one thing but to extend it to kids and everyone else is absurd.

this is just turning into a rant.  You weren't really looking for a knowledge based answer, you were just looking to argue.

Answer 9

hmmm I'm not sure I could personally do that if it was me with my bmom & her family. I don't know why really, perhaps because I have a massive fear of rejection & I think being rejected by my bmom would have been the ultimate rejection.

But since I'm also a birthmother, I can also answer it that way. If my daughters were to get in touch with my bmom (not my amom, since we're estranged) before they got in touch with me, I'd be perfectly, 100% ok with that.

There's enough love in my birth family for it to go around & everyone to have some

Answer 10

When I was searching, the first person I made email contact with was my natural aunt ( my dads sister ) and she contacted my dad for me to tell him I was searching. At that point in time, he had never told anyone BUT his sister about me. She told him. He told his family ( my brothers and sister and his "adopted" wife ) and they were shocked. We spoke the next day and set up a meeting 2 weeks later.

At this point in my life, i didn't care WHO i met in my family, i would have settled for ANYONE. When you haven't known ANYONE that looks like you or is related to you by blood, for me, meeting ANYONE was worth it and fullfilling.

I believe I had a right to meet ANYONE, afterall, THEY are my family. I am under no obligation of any kind to keep my existance a secret.

I met my grandmother and my aunt first, and then we went to my uncles ( who didn't accept me and made me cry ) and then we went to meet my dad. All of this was in ONE day. My dad was kinda bummed that I met the others first, but i couldn't wait. I didn't care, i wanted to touch my people. I wanted to see them, hear them, talk with them, and we did. It was healing. They embraced me.

If they hadn't, then I would have had to deal with that. I wouldn't have stalked them, but if my parents rejected me, I would have waited until my siblings were adults and contacted them. They're my siblings too.

In light of Lauries post ( which was fabulous btw ) I knew my cousin before I knew he was my cousin. My natural family lived 15 minutes from where I grew up. My cousin and I were friends before we even knew we were related. I'd been to his house, seen pictures of my family, we were friends. Little did we know we were first cousins too.

Answer 11

I believe its ok, it is not an adoptees job to keep their mothers secrets, why should I lie to people to protect my mother from a supposed secret? The funny thing for all those opposing it, my amother is the person who constantly tells me this and encourages me to talk to any family members I find online (which I have found as we have a very unique surname and a small family).

My sister found out about me when she opened some mail (she was house sitting for our mother) and ever since we have been in contact. Until then I assumed no one knew about me and that was why no contaact...that wasnt true my aunt, uncle, grandparents all knew about me, there is only one aunt, a cousin and one sister who doesnt know.

And boy I wouldnt want to be in my mothers shoes when my other sister finds out...it's been 7 years since I met my first sister, and she has been faithfully keeping my mothers secrets (and initially my mother had a reason - my sis had post natal depression - 5/6 years ago), but can you imagine how our sister will feel being the only one who didnt know?

But you know I dont owe my mother an alleigance of silence, she has never spoken to me or given me any info, this has only come from wider family members. But I should have just shut up and gone away? Why? If my sister didnt want me in her life I know she wouldnt have a problem telling me. And after she found the letter she was the one who contacted me, was she wrong? after all the letter wasnt to her...should she only ever do what her mother wants

(haha I am trying to imagine a world where children/adult children only do what their parents want...only in adoption land!)

Answer 12

Wow what a tough question. It makes the brain look at things differently for a moment... So lets see as a BM I would be upset if a child I gave up secretly or no so began contacting family memeber's. But on the other hand I am a firm believer that all of this is about the child, and not the AP'sor BP"s in anyway form or fashion. That child has a right to know.. to know his grandma's, aunts, sisters, brothers. his or her family and they have a right to know him.. and if that puts a bunch isn his AP's or BP's panties than so be it! Adoption is about the child not matter how old they are and not about the parents. I am sorry if this pisses people off but it's how I feel.

Answer 13

I think it is wrong to go beyond the mother or father without their consent.  Maybe it is their "right" to seek out extended family, but is this the fair or compassionate thing to do?  It is a matter of personal respect for the first parents to honor their wishes.  Moving on to other family members could potentially cause harm, embarrassment, and family turmoil.  

I have a problem when one person's "freedom" is exercised with total disregard for another person's feelings, particularly when the person who is hurt is their........mother.

ETA-why so concerned about first mothers?  Because I have one, that's why.   Oh ya, as an adoptee I'm only supposed to care about adoptees...I forgot.

Heather, I said "MOTHER OR FATHER".  I think it is great to have contact with extended family with the mother and/or fathers consent depending on who's family is involved.  To do otherwise, I feel, is intrusive.  Ya, you do have every right.  That is true.  Go for it.

Nobody "has" to do anything....respect, it is all about respect.

peace

Answer 14

Yes, I believe it's ok. My daughter first tried to contact her mother but she refused to acknowledge anybody or anything. so then my daughter tried contacting me and it was easy as I had made my self available for the last 15 years or so. It was only in the last two years the State of Illinois allowed her to do that. I didn't try to contact her as I was advised by an uncle who I respected dearly to let her find me if she desires to do so. She still hasn't met my 3 sons, her 1/2 brothers because of my wife who has put up a barrier. My sons will just do what she says. Anyway, hope that helps.