Is it a good idea to meet up with my biological mother?

Question

I'm 18 and adopted, and have being since my adoptive parents since I was a few weeks old. I received a letter which I'm still a bit shocked about, from my biological mother. I've never heard from her before and know nothing about her other than her first name. She says on the letter she wanted to write me sooner, but because of some sort of adoption law, she couldn't contact me until I'm an adult, and that I have 2 full older sisters. She also says is coming back to England soon (both of my biological parents are spanish) and would like to meet up with me. I don't know whether to meet her or not. I know it's her as she was calling me by my birth name she gave me, that only me and my adoptive parents know, so that's not what I'm worried about. But I know nothing about her, I don't have a picture or anything so I don't even know what she looks like. That's what scares me about meeting her.

Some advice please? Has anyone else experienced anything similar?

Thanks for answers :)

Answer 1

Have you spoken to your parents about the letter and the fact that your biological mother wants to meet up with you?

What i would ask my self is do i really wanna meet her? id reply to the letter if it had her address and ask her to enclose a picture of her maybe?

but im not adopted im just trying to think of what id do if i were

Answer 2

Marie, what an incredible opportunity you have!  Do you know how many adoptees have been trying for years and even decades to find their natural (first) parents? Wow!

Anyway, the choice of whether to meet her is yours to make. It really has nothing to do with your adoptive parents in the sense that no matter who raised you, you have always had a natural mother who is related to you and holds some of the keys to your identity, your heritage, your medical history and your roots. Incredibly important stuff (ask someone who isn't adopted and they'll be able to tell you tons of that kind of information about themselves automatically. No so for most adoptees.). Plus, your natural mother carried you for nine months and you have an unspoken and unacknowledged bond with her that no one could ever deny.

So, how to decide what to do? I would take it slow and communicate by letter or e-mail at first (answer her letter with a letter). Then, if it feels comfortable, start talking by telephone. After that if things are going smoothly, then I'd meet her in person face to face.

Meet in a public place (at least the first time) or have someone go with you for support. Figure out what you want to know (about her life, relatives, family history, health, etc.) and what you're willing to share about yourself and your life. Try to have your questions for her prepared ahead of time, so that if the two of you are feeling emotional you can still manage to get some important information!  

Best of luck to you, Marie.

Answer 3

It is totally up to you but keep in mind it has nothing to do with the way you feel about your aparents. It's not a betrayal to them and your feelings and relationship with them need not change.

I have been in reunion with my daughter for 9 years and it has been wonderful. She has 2 half siblings that she loves very much. Her parents are still her parents, their relationship has not changed.

Every reunion is different but I would say that at least one meeting would not hurt. You can find out many things in one meeting, like who you look like, medical info, personal traits and where they come from. It can be very overwhelming and perfectly serene all at the same time.

She obviously is interested, not all first parents are. You can always refuse contact later on if you so choose. I hope you will give it a shot, for your sake. You deserve your info. and yes there are laws tht make contact illegal until the required age of 18. my daughter was 28 before we met. That was 10 extra years of no relationship that I can't get back.

Don't worry about your parents, this is about you, your truth, your ancestry, even if it's only for one meeting.

I have a great relationship with my daughter, many reunions work for the better. She found her hands, body style, and thighs, when she found me. She found her nose, and a bunch of relatives that she resembled once we found her father a few months ago. If it works out it is very rewarding, difficult but rewarding.

Answer 4

Marie, this is a difficult question to answer. You and only you can truly answer this and you need to look deep in your head and your heart for the right answer. I am 37 and was adopted when I was less then a week old, I have always known about my adoption and knew things about my biological mother (she is German) and I often get asked what would happen if she came looking for me and my answer, as honest as I can be, is simply nothing! I have no emotional ties or bonds with her and will never look at her as my mother and certainly not as my mum.

You should talk to your mum and dad about this and explain how you are feeling; trust me when I say that nurture is often stronger then nature and they may be able to help. As you have said, you are an adult now but you are never too old to listen to advice from mum and dad...

You do have the right to meet her and your siblings but be prepared for an emotional roller-coaster of a ride and remember who brought you up and loved you for the last 18 years... Next to your happiness, your mum and dad come a close second!

Do what feels right for you and good luck.

Answer 5

yh

Answer 6

Adoption laws do have restrictions on the birthparents contacting the adoptee without the adoptive parents' permisson.  Talk to your parents about your feelings and chat with other adoptees about their feelings.  There are also excellent books that will show you your feelings (and fears) are perfectly normal.

Answer 7

I would give her a try.

Think of some questions and dont be scared to ask her. My sister was adopted and she gets on well with her biological mother. I think it's great she wants to see you i think you would miss out on a opotunity not to meet her . good luck .

Answer 8

My adopted sister did just that - it was a disaster. Thats not to say it would be for you. Personally I always felt strongly that my adoptive parents were far more important in my life than the woman that gave birth to me, so I never bothered.

Talk to your parents hun - this is an incredibly hard thing to do.

Answer 9

Think about writing to her, to find out more about her. If all goes well with the letters then you should make up your mind then, whether or not you want to meet her.

Answer 10

Yes & No, you'll have questions about why you were given up etc... but try and remember the people that gave you unconditional love for all these years

Answer 11

if your writing to her and her you ask her for pictures  not just old picture's  but new one's as well ask her if  she ever kept  a picture of you as a baby...

i know i asked all these question's i didnt hate my real parent's  but i didnt know them either i wanted to no everything from how they could  give me up then go on to have more  children as though i didnt even excist i know this was i suppose selfish of me  but  at the time  and why my parents  give me up was because  my real mum was raped  she nor my real dad  could handle it  but  i also thanked her  for giving me up as my mom and dad are the most fantastic  parents and i love my mom as though she had  give birth to me herself ...

i think you have alot of questions to ask your real mother  get her to ring you i know it can be amotional but  at the same time  you need the answer's

good luck ok

Answer 12

GO FOR IT !... im adopted and trying to contact mine...and its not as easy as you might think......

if you get a chance then go for it.....what do you have to loose......you could always take some one with you etc etc....

Answer 13

I too was adopted very early on. I was like 6 months old when it happened. I am now 22, but through my teen years I was fixated on the fact that I was adopted. All I wanted to do is meet my birth-mother and find out more about myself. At 18 I traced her through people that were involved in my adoption. When I met her she wasn't anything like I thought she would be. She wasn't the angel I had hoped for. When I got all the facts I wanted I was satisfied and didn't think about it constantly. I think she is a wonderful person and still talk to her. The most interesting thing of all is to see how "nature vs. nurture" played its role. I'm a lot like her even though I wasn't raised by her. You might find it fun and interesting to realize these things about yourself too by meeting her. I don't see how anyone couldn't want to meet their biological parents. If you meet her, start out immediately calling her by her first name. That way she knows you aren't trying to find your mom. You already have a mom. Also, have you ever been walking in a store or anywhere in public and wondered if someone was her, or thought "that could be her"? If so, than you need to meet her. That is the question to ask yourself.

Answer 14

i'm adopted, and i have a younger biological sister.

i talk to my biological mother occasionally.  feel a sense of obligation.  hate that she spends the entire time apologizing, calling me by some nickname i don't think she deserves to call me by, asking me to call her for mother's day, that type of stuff.  but i do it for HER sake, not my own.

my younger half sister doesn't have the time for the bs.  she had much more contact with our biological mother and wishes she had none at all.

as people said, it's a personal decision.  though i find talking to her annoying it brings me a sense of closure too.  but for my sister, it brings nothing but anger and frustration and she would've been better off not talking to her at all.

however, if i didn't talk to my biological mother,  and my mother didn't make efforts to keep contact info and stuff, i really wouldn't know my little sister who i adore.  but that's something only you can decide.

*edit: i agree with the other poster.  this should be a family thing if possible.  bringing along your parents will help you with your anxiety and will help your parents and your biological mother deal with the situation. (she'll get to see the people who raised you, your parents will get to see that you're still their child)

Answer 15

Hi. The only person that can decide this is you. (i'm a social worker and work with people who have been adopted often). Your biological mother is correct when she states that she has been unable to contact you until you are 18. This is to allow adopted children to have a full family experience and to enable them to decide if they want to contact their biological parents.

My advice to you would be to not rush itno anything. Write to your biological mother and see how that feels. If you're comfortable with that, progress to talking to her on the phone. Again, if that feels ok, maybe then arrange to meet.

Just remember to do what feels right to you. Don't feel guilty about meeting your biological mother your adoptive parents will have been prepared for this situation. You are the one who is important in this situation and you must do what's best for you.

Answer 16

I think you should meet her, but look deep in your heart if your happy with your adoptive parents and thats all you need, then you can always say no. but give it years and you might want to meet her, but then it could be too late

there will be a million questions you will want to ask her, its normal for you to be nervous and scared, I bet shes feeling the same feelings you are. it will give you a mad feelings because you probably look like her too!

take some one along with you if your that scared

good luck xx

Answer 17

i understand exactly what your going through cause i was adopted myself when i was only 4, when i tried to get in touch with my birth mum when i was 20 and i was very nervous at the beginning cause i didnt have a picture of her or i didnt even know i thing about her. when i did meet her for the first time, my after adoption worker took me to meet her and yes it was hard at first but i got to know more and more about her and why i was adopted. iv only just recieved my birth notes from my after adoption worker cause i knew there was more information i needed to find out about my past which has really affected me, but everyone who is adoption all have different situations on why they are adopted, my adopted parents wasnt happy and thought i was making a mistake getting in touch with my birth mum cause they knew about my past history and why i needed to be adopted. but because it was my decision to do that and im very glad i did it, so you do what you thinks right, i know if i hadnt found my birth mum now i know id still be affected and wouldnt beable to move on from the past. me and my birth mum get on really well now but il admit, i dont have a strong bond with her as people do with there parents, and thats cause she didnt bring me up, but i enjoy her company and she is there for me more then my adopted parents ever have been, but good luck on makeing your decision, why dont you ask her to send you a photo of herself, thats what i did before i met my birth mum, take care love wanda x

Answer 18

I'm a birthmom. I found my daughter in 2001. The first meeting was very scary, but once I saw her and heard her voice, I knew she was mine. Her voice was mine, I heard her talking in the parking lot before I saw her and I told my husband that's her she has my voice. I was shaking and we took her flowers. It's was terrifying, but we got through it and we are happy we did. Make sure you have the right people, we both submitted letters to the adoption agency  and a search angel came up with her name and also we told her if she wasn't sure, that we would take a DNA test. Good luck.

Answer 19

Write back and tell her your fears. Ask for a picture. I think it would be a great idea for you to meet you biological family and find out what she was referring to by the "adoption law" not permitting her to contact you. Ask your a-parents what did she mean by that because they had to have been the one's asking her not to contact you. More importantly, ask them why this decision was made without respecting your feelings.

Answer 20

i would not but this would change your life fink long and hard x

Answer 21

contact Norcap or the Post adoption centre in London for helpe and support from people who have experience.

http://www.norcap.org.uk/

http://www.postadoptioncentre.org.uk/

Personally I would have been thrilled - it took me 20 years of searching and wading through negativity to find my family and here it is handed to you on a plate.

Best of luck and contact me if you need moral support; it's hard to go through reunion alone.

Pop down the library and ask for a book called The Adoption Reuinion Handbook.  if they don't have it they will order it in for you.  

http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_ss_w_h_...

Answer 22

only you can answer this question

Answer 23

i would do it but only if ur sure but have some one who will protect u with u...... hope i helped...Emilie

Answer 24

If you don't, you'll always wonder if you should have.

Be cautious, though.  Most first mothers are truly fine people, but sometimes (rarely) that's not the case.

I had a friends whos first mother just wanted money.  She felt like my friend owed it to her since she "gave her away to a rich family".

Answer 25

A few years back a good friend of mine was contacted by the daughter she'd given up for adoption 22 years earlier. It was a shock and the first meetings were an anxious time for her, particularly as she'd lived with the guilt of giving her baby away all those years. A social worker arranged for a meeting between them - the adoptive parents were there too but they got to spend some time talking alone as well. Now, 5 years on my friend and her daughter are good friends. The daughter is like an auntie to my friends children (her half-sibs) and she's invited to any big family events. Her relationship with her adoptive parents is still great but now she has two "families" and it's lovely to see. So it really can work, but everyone involved should have the best motives and if it isn't working (I've experience of that too via my sister-in-law) then it's best to call it a day.