Is it a good idea to offer "incentives" to your child's caretaker to get any additional info?

Question

When we met our daughter in China we bombarded her caretaker with questions. She was very friendly, but a little guarded. Needless to say we didn't get anything significant.

I've been hearing from APs that have recently adopted that they offered "incentives" like money or gifts to try and get more info on their children. I have even read in some international adoption related books that encourages parents to get that info any way they can, including giving money.

Something about that gives me pause. I think I would give anything to have as much info for my daughter as I could, but I'd be concerned that they (caretakers) would be offended or that they might simply tell us anything. Without actual proof anything they say would be heresay anyway. Some parents have come back with more info & one that I personally know of came back with the blanket their daughter was left with. Again, we only have the caretakers word that it's true, but if it were true. Wonderful. Has anyone done this?

Answer 1

its your child you are talking about, do whatever it takes to get any information you can.

Answer 2

well!!!  welcome to OUR world!!!

having to PAY money to get any crumb of info on our own families!

fun, isn't it????????????

Answer 3

That is probably not right.

I understand how someone could feel the urge to offer money, but if you think about it, if these caretakers know that they can extort these PAPs, by withholding info, then it's just one more layer of corruption.

Gosh, way can't it just be about the kids?

If they know something, tell.

Answer 4

I wish I could have done that to get more information about my son.  But, the ethical part of it worried me- it felt illegal, so I didn't do it.  I didn't want any thing to jeopardize me bringing my baby-cakes home.

Answer 5

Well, it is sort of customary to give Red Envelopes of money to anyone who has done a special service for you. It is sort of like a tip, sort of like a present, and maybe could seem from the outside sort of like a bribe, but that isn't really how it is perceived in Chinese culture. Usually it is done at the end, though, and they do NOT open the envelopes (or any presents you give them either) in your presence. So it might not work very well as an "incentive" for more information.

And actually, it does seem kind of rude to try to bribe them. My impression is that the caretakers in China generally care a great deal. If they have things they do not give you, it may be because they do not think they are important, because they are overworked, because they are embarrassed for China that the children are abandoned at all, or any number of reasons -- but NOT because they are waiting for a bribe!

So you can and should give money to the orphanage and to individual caretakers, but it is more as a gesture of appreciation, possibly a way to build a closer relationship, but not a direct quid pro quo for information on your child's history. Still worth keeping the connection, though. We are putting together another packet of pictures of our daughter to send to her foster mother as I type (well, almost).

Answer 6

The chinese culture is very guarded and it is not that they want to keep information back, but they don't want to share anything that will make your child or them lose face. But at the same time, money always talks. What I would do is pray about it and accept things however they happen. And if it feels appropriate to offer money at any point, by all means do so.

Answer 7

Interesting.  I've never heard of this being done before.  This was not a custom or expectation in Liberia.  

We did bring gifts to the orphanage workers, along with supplies for the orphanage itself, toys, clothing and school supplies for the children, but it wasn't a "quid pro quo" sort of thing.

I don't know a good deal about Chinese culture; is there some social more about this?