Is it a sign of mental instability to expect a child to complete one's life?

Question

Is it a sign of mental instability to expect a child to complete one's life?

Answer 1

Yes. Without a doubt.

Answer 2

I think it's a symptom of being uninformed.  If it continues throughout the adoption process (which I think I can safely assume this question refers to), then it transforms to chosen ignorance.  My personal opinion anyway.  When one starts the adoption process, I think a huge margin of error is acceptable, because you're still brand spankin' new to this whole thing.  But if you don't spend a SIGNIFICANT amount of time researching what your future child is going to go through, then you just need to quit while you're ahead.  Work at a day care or something instead, adoption isn't for you.

Answer 3

Not really...  completing ones "life" and completing one's "self" are totally different ideas.  If your vision of life is a part time job with two kids, a mini-van, and a breadwinner husband, then your LIFE isn't "complete" until all those pieces are in place.  It doesn't say you expect the kids to be anything but kids, it just says that you want children in your life.  

However, if you don't feel "whole" in and of yourself without another person (be it child, spouse, friends, and/or parents) then yes it's a sign of mental instability.  This question could easily be turned around to say "Is it a sign of mental instability to expect biological parents to complete one's self?"  If one, then the other.

Answer 4

Maybe not mental instability, but I think it's a sign of some kind of a problem anyway.

When we were having our homestudy done, our sw asked us 'What are your expectations from the child you're adopting?"

I couldn't answer her. Honestly,  I thought it was a stupid question. How could I have any expectations from a child that I had never met yet, that I knew nothing about?  I told her that since we were the ones initiating this, and the child has no say, we were thinking "What does he/she has a right to expect from us? What will our child need & want?"  The social worker told me that in all her years, my husband and I were the first ones who didn't have a ready list (including 'make our lives complete')  of all the things they expected from their future child.

Answer 5

Nope.  People have goals. The goals of some people is to have a family and a baby means you have reached that goal.  It's when it becomes the be all and end all of everything that you have to wonder about mental instability.

The fact is, if you are childless, at some point, you have to choose whether you could have another goal.

Answer 6

No and yes in a way. I had my daughter and she just made my little happy life even happier and she filled it with so much joy and has truly completed my life. Now regarding somebody who needs to adopt a baby to feel like there life is complete well there may be a little bit of mental instability there. Not all people adopt for that very reason. Somebody may just want a baby to love and care for and such.

Answer 7

The only person that can complete ones life is God.

Answer 8

Probably.  I definitely think it's a sign of someone who is not an emotionally autonomous adult.

Not the best candidate to raise an adopted child...

Answer 9

I think it's a sign of mental instability to expect anyone else to complete your life for you.  I find it incredibly creepy when people say their spouse or lover "completes" them.  If you're not a complete human being, you probably have a lot of work to do on yourself before you can enjoy a successful relationship of any kind, let alone child-rearing..

Answer 10

Yes! Children are hard work and once you've had them, you may find you actually never get to complete anything as you're too busy! Jokes aside, having a child is incredibly fulfilling and will add to your life, not complete it. In order to be a good parent and raise a child who becomes a loving, confident and independent adult you should feel that your life is pretty well sorted and that you are ready to add to it and to pass on your life experience and love to another person. If I had even the slightest concern about my mental stability - I wouldn't add a child to the mix. Think about why think it's a sign of instability and take things from there.

Answer 11

I would say more of an insecurity. I personally think its wrong for anyone to expect someone else to complete them. You should be whole on your own, that way someone can only add to your life. What's amazing is how much love you can feel from the love of a child though. My son is such a blessing!

Answer 12

Anytime a person feels that his or her life cannot be complete without another person, the risk exists for problems such as obsession, a heavy weight placed on the desired person and the inability to focus on goals that are based on what one can achieve for one's self.  It also sets up a scenario for blame.  The person may blame her unhappiness on the lack of that other person in her life.  The person may feel let down if that person does not fully bring the imagined happiness.

So, it may not be a sign of mental instability, but it can certainly be a set up for instability within the person's mental state and within the person's relationships, including the relationship with the desired person.

One person can never complete another person's life.  A person is complete within herself, and needs to recognize this and integrate it into her core belief system prior to making a huge life changing decision such as marriage, pregnancy or adoption.  At that point, another person can most certainly complement one's life.

Answer 13

You must be a very unusual parent if your children don't complete your life.  I would go so far as to guess cold and uncaring?

I believe any compassionate and maternal/paternal person feels completed by a child, it's natural to exist for another person outside of yourself.

My children are my reason for living and breathing.  If you consider this a sign of mental instability, may I suggest considering carefully whether or not you want to have children?  I don't mean to judge or insult you, but it does sound as if you are unprepared for the demands and challenges of motherhood.

However if you decide to adopt or have children, you will find it brings great rewards.  Good luck with your decision and God bless xx

Answer 14

Yes.

And I'll add it is also a sign of immaturity, a myopic outlook on life, and an inability to think outside of the "life script".

A child shouldn't come into this world with a "job" to fix or complete his/her parents. That is disgusting. A child should be allowed to be a child.

Great question!

Answer 15

yes! it is! in my opinion anyways.

Answer 16

Yes....No.....Maybe So....

It's obvious to me that questions like this is a sign of mental instability!

No one should expect any child or adult to make them happy....it's called codependency!

The thumbs down just proves my point....Thank you!!!! :-)

Answer 17

Yes! Noone, not anyone, can complete another human being. Expecting someone to do so is what defines dependancy. Stability is self reliance. Happiness comes from within, and not from ANY external source. That doesn't mean emotional isolation. To truly fulfill your role in any relationship, you have to be happy independently, and you have to give as much as you take.

Adoptionissadnsick? I have no idea what your name is supposed to imply, but I'm pretty sure I don't agree at all.

If you're interested in this area of psychology, then  I would strongly recommend that you pick up the book "Love is a Choice -  Breaking the Cycle of Addictive Relationships" (link provided) and submit the form (link below) for analysis.

P.S. - Laurie DB gave an excellent answer

Answer 18

no i think it is more a backlash of society's expectations. people are expected to procreate, when they cant it makes them feel they are missing out on something.

it is a big pressure to make a family, if you encounter someone that doesnt have children, you (or at least i am guilty of this) wonder why or think there is a physical reason for it. the last thing i think is it was by choice.

imagine having to explain everytime you meet someone new why you dont have a family. and you know as well as i do, some of these people are not nice about asking.

mental instability? no, but diluted expectations from the outside world? very good possibility.

Answer 19

are you implying that your parents were mentally unstable?  or any other parents for that reason?

Sunny gave you the answer i'm sure you were looking for . . .

but i suppose that if everyone was happy but still wanted kids (bio or not) you're going to say they have a problem.

but . . if all were happy and didn't want kids, the earth would be as barren as the adoptive parents you're trying to slam.

Answer 20

There is a huge difference between those who would like to have children, and those who feel they need them.  

I have to wonder about anyone who goes to great lengths to procreate...spending thousands of dollars on medical treatments, taking drugs to increase fertility, going to any length possible because of this need.  

I mean I understand the desire to want a family...but when does it stop being a healthy desire and start becoming an unhealthy obsession?  When it starts putting a strain on the marriage, on the person's own physical and mental health?

And when biology fails and adoption suddenly becomes the option, what kind of pressure does that put on the adoptee to fulfill that need?  I'm personally wary of anyone who goes to such great lengths just to fulfull a personal NEED.  Because in cases like this, it is NOT the child's best interest at heart, it is the adopter's...it's getting the dream child, the filling of the empty hole, the means to some perceived "completion" that needs to take place in order to be "whole".

My husband and I tried to get pregnant for a very long time with no success, but I never would have resorted to such drastic measures.  I was content to live the way we were meant to live...if we couldn't conceive, then that's the way it was meant to be.  There's no way I would drag some poor adopted kid in to our lives to try to fix what our biology couldn't produce.

Answer 21

I don't think it is a sign of mental instability but no one should need anyone to complete there lives. You should be able to function in life without being dependant on someone especially a child who should be the dependant one. They fulfil you and makes life a pleasure.  :)

Answer 22

I think thats a huge load for ANY child. I'd be happy if my kids grew up and didn't kill me for their  inheritance .

Answer 23

sorry to say this but I have a beautiful family and a loving husband, so my life is complete. I had 3 kids who have compleated my life. Whats wrong with that?

I think a sign of mental instability, is of a person who doesnt or cant accept the fact, people have or adopt kids because they want to.

This question could be asked to bio families too, would they then be told they were selfish to have a child to make them happy? I think not.

Children are the next generation, aslong as the child is here and its all about them, then I dont see the problem.

Have you ever been told you couldnt have children? I do admit that some people go to the extreme to have or adopt children, but no one really knows until they have been in the same boat. Aslong as the child is loved and cherished, then why should people question why adoptive parents adopt?

Answer 24

I believe that adults should be whole and complete before they decide to become parents no matter how they choose to become parents.

Becoming a parent is usually not the end of anything except free time, and adding a child to our lives rarely completes something--but, rather it is the beginning of a whole new set of responsibilities and issues.

When adopting the answer to the question why do you want a baby or child is very important... And sometimes the answers given mean something different depending on the type of adoption you are interested in.

The answer "to complete ones life" is cliche and naive because starting a family is only the beginning... It also conveys the idea that the person answering feels incomplete.

This answer is wonderful when we are talking with the pastor or our family and friends and say, "I want a child to complete my life..." In casual conversations we all understand what this means... It means having a child will make you feel you have done all the things you planned to do.

But---when talking with an Adoption Worker this answer is seen as naive and not well thought out, and it implies the parents are only concerned with meeting their own personal expectation--it has nothing to do with the child!

Answer 25

I don't know, but it sure puts a heavy burden of expectation upon a child

Answer 26

SHEESH some of you are hard on PAPs!!

Fact: Although "women's lib" has encouraged (for better or worse) women to seek satisfaction in more than being "housemothers:" the female of ANY species is biologically programmed to want children....It's in our hormones!!! The realization that many women come to, that they can NOT bear children is incredibly devistating!! In the Bible.. an infertile woman (who's sister was popping out babies left and right) grabbed her husband by the arm and said "give me children or I will die!!" In her culture, a woman had no worth if she didn't bear children for her husband.  The fact is,  to SOME degree.. women (who have not forced their natural instincts otherwise) are biologically programmed to not feel "complete" without being mothers.. I'm not saying that motherhood is a RIGHT, or all women who want to are ENTITLED to be mothers, but our biological programming makes us feel that we or our lives are somehow incomplete without having children.. I realize this is true for some women more than others.. I know women who have absolutely NO desire to ever have children..

Many women are looking to become mothers for the wrong reason, they may WRONGLY think that having a child to love will fix their imperfect life.. It's not mental instability, it's just wrong thinking.. same as thinking that having lots of money will solve all your problems.. It's not even  selfishness.. wanting to love someone and have your life be all about someone else, is not selfishness....at worst, it's just plain ol biological instincts..

whether biological or adoptive mothers enter into motherhood for the right reasons or not, I know of VERY few (if any) other things in life besides parenthood that promotes selfLESSness the way that parenting does.. once you become a mother, it's never about you again.. EVER!! It's about someone else..how is that selfishness or mental instability??

as a single person.. I'm sick and TIRED of my life being about me.. I want to give to someone else for a change!

Answer 27

The secret to each person's happiness lies within themself.  To expect someone else, especially a child, to complete your own life is misguided and selfish...to an incredible degree!

Answer 28

I spent a long time expecting many different people to complete my life. My natural parents, significant others, adoptive parents, friends...

I was not a stable person during those years, I can admit it. I got into therapy and started depending on myself. Only I can create the happiness I crave and long for. Expecting other's to do that for me is not fair to anyone.

So my answer would be a great, big, fat YES.

Answer 29

I dont know if its mental instability but its not a great reason to adopt or have a child.  Some people have different emotional and physiological responses to the intrinsic need to pro-create.  Not all of these responses will be positive but they do help drive us to fulfill our primary biological perogative.  Instead of thinking about how a child will make everything right for you, think about how you would be a benefit to the child.  How will the child learn from you?  What do you have to offer the child in terms of material and emotional support?Children are lots of work and very demanding.  You have to be ready to make the right sacrifices to make sure they have everything they need to live the best life and grow into the best kind of person.  Its not at all about what they have to offer you.

Answer 30

I suppose it could be looked at that way; however this is not just an adoption issue. Why do you think people spend years and lots of money for fertility treatments because they feel incomplete if they don’t have kids. Some people feel that in order for their life to be whole they MUST have children in some way.  However this is obviously not true people can have just as rich and complete lives with out kids at all.  As said happiness and feeling complete  has to lie with in yourself.