Is it actually possible to hold your baby too much?

Question

My fiance thinks I'm spoiling our two week old daughter. I hold her frequently throughout the day, and lie down with her as well (not sleeping, just lying down when we both get tired in the daytime). I also pick her up and hold her every time she cries. I'm actually holding her right now (don't worry, I have a tight hold on her. It's just hard to type).

I read you can't spoil babies (at least until they're six months old), but he swears he can see it. He thinks she cries more because she knows she'll get my attention and get held that way.

I just don't see the problem. He thinks that when I go back to work it'll be hard/hurtful for her because she won't be able to be held as much because her grandmother won't want to hold her as much as I do.

Have any of you dealt with this before? Do you think he's right or is he just seeing what he wants to see?

Answer 1

It is ok to let her cry sometime.  I don't mean for too long at a time without being held, but try just talking to her or something sometime.  

Answer 2

You can never hold a baby too much. But do allow her to enjoy a baby swing, bouncer seat, and when she is older maybe a jump-a-roo. This allows her to have a little independence and gives you a couple of minutes for "me" time. Bur holding your baby a lot is not spoiling her. Ypu are only strengthening your bond with her. I just wish I could hold my babies a lot more than what I can. I have 5 month old twin girls and it is very hard to hold both at the same time. But I hold them as much as possible, and allow them to play with toys on the floor, or in the jumper. They are not too clingy at all. And as for crying to manipulate you, no way. Babies cry for a reason. She wants her mothers love. You carried her for a long time, it is hard to be away from someone you have spent that much time with. Congrats.

Answer 3

Your boyfriend is WRONG!!  It is totally impossible to spoil a baby until at least 6 months and your baby is only 2 weeks for crying out loud!  Yes, hold her as much as you want/can.  You will make her learn that there is someone there to help her when she needs it as babies that young only cry when something is wrong!  Hungry, dirty, tired, etc.

Try using a baby carrier that way you can be close to each other and you still have hands to do stuff with.  More importantly, enjoy your baby and love her.  My baby is 4 weeks old now and I already feel like he's growing up too fast!!

Answer 4

Your fiance is certainly not correct about you spoiling your daughter. He's looking at the situation from the viewpoint of ignorance, that's all. You may or may not be able to cure him of that. He may be right that she cries more because she knows you'll pick her up, but better that than she gives up because she knows you won't. Neglecting her now because her grandma won't be so indulgent is ridiculous. When my hubby and I went through this, I made him stand there and watch our daughter scream. If yours wants to leave her alone instead of holding her, let him enjoy the loud and persistant consequences.

I held my daughter nearly all the time she asked. She's 16 months now, and a confident and reasonably independant little person. I put that down to my "spoiling" her. I figure if you provide what they need, they'll be able to grow past that phase sooner. If you deny them what they need, they can't grow out of it.

Answer 5

Newborn babies need as much contact and reassurance as possible so by holding her and spending time with her you are creating a bond with her and if it feels right, trust your instincts.

Tiny babies are desined to be nurtured and i think you are doing a great job.  Keep it up mom!!

Answer 6

Your fine for right now but the older she get the harder it will be on you if you continue this I did the same thing with my son and could not even put him down for 20 Min's with out him screaming to be held I had no time for myself until he started crawling then he was under my feet trying to pull up at me.  Right now she is not crying to get you to hold her but soon and it does not take long she will be don't listen to books or people they learn how and what they need to do to make mom jump FAST...

Answer 7

I personally don't believe (after three daughters) that there is any chance of  spoiling them this young, BUT I also don't believe that there's any particular age that spoiling can begin, either.  I ALWAYS picked up my children within 30 seconds or so of fussing, not even crying yet, and I believe it's a good thing to do so, too, because it's the easiest way for mom and baby to bond, and for mom to learn what high-pitched squeal -vs- gradual whiny fussing means.

Baby's only means of communicating is to cry, therefore, your job as Mommy is to answer her call, and fix what is wrong.  It won't take long before you know what she wants before she makes much noise.  Anytime she cries, you'll probably have to pick her up to "fix her problem", anyway, whether it's to change her diaper, feed her, change her clothes, swaddle her, etc., so it will actually ensure her that Mommy (or someone) will always be there for her, and will make her more comfortable and independent in her own surroundings.  On the other hand, I do think that many times it is harder to get a child to sleep on their own if you continually hold them while they sleep, rather than putting them down in their bed.  But as far as being awake and spoiled, it's not possible.

My best advice when it comes to picking them up when they cry is this:  When you start to feel comfortable that you and your baby have a good line of communication, and that she knows you'll be there when she needs you, start letting her fuss just a LITTLE bit more than usual, even if it's only by a few seconds each time.  She won't notice a difference, and eventually, instead of expecting you to be there RIGHT when she cries, she'll have the patience to stay in her crib and play quietly for 5 or 10 minutes and still be confident that you'll be there.  After all, once she's a few months older, and sleeping better daily and nightly, you can't always get away from a chore right away during naptime!

Good luck with everything!

Answer 8

I may be wrong, but I have a hunch that your fiance's views come from his parents, and that they're the ones who think you're spoiling the baby.  Whether it's coming from him or them - it's wrong!  You're not spoiling your baby.

There are a lot of 'old school' views on raising children that warn that holding babies too much will spoil them, and that picking them up when they cry will make them clingy and dependent.  Research in the last 30 years has turned all this on its head, though.  Holding your baby fosters feelings of comfort and security, and develops a trusting relationship between parent and baby.  If you don't hold a baby it's more likely to feel insecure and cry to be held more.

A quick internet search brings up many many articles about this.  Try typing in "Spoil a newborn", then print out some of the articles for your fiance (and maybe his mother) to read.

It sounds like there's a major disconnect in parenting styles between yourself and your fiance, and it would be a good idea to try to deal with some of these earlier rather than later.  Depending where you live, you may be able to find classes for new parents, which might be useful.  I live in Ontario, and there are many free classes given by the Ontario Early Years Centres, which look at dealing with crying newborns, sleep routines, parenting styles, discipline techniques, etc.  Attending something like this together might be a way for your fiance to hear some more up-to-date views on parenting, including whether or not it's possible to spoil a baby!

Answer 9

you cant spoil a baby!!   my son is 7 months and i still hold him alot!!  i heard the more you hold them and tend to their needs when they are crying as little babies the happier and more secure they will feel as older babies. ironically doting on them young teaches them to be independent as they grow..............so keep on holding that little one!!  

Answer 10

I think your fiance thinks your daughter is smarter than she is.  Not that she's not smart- but she has no concept of "manipulation" (crying for your attention) and is not capable of it.

You held her 24/7 for 40 weeks... so holding her a lot during the day at 2 weeks old is not doing any harm.  It's creating a safe and loving environment for her.  

Answer 11

She's TWO WEEKS OLD!! Is he out of his mind?? Hold her as much as you want to. She just spent nine months in your womb all snug and secure. At this young age she's too young to have "wants" all she has are "needs" and she needs to be held and loved. Your partner concerns me. Frankly, I think he's jealous of the baby. Tell him to smarten up and grow up! Babies who are held a lot actually develop into much more secure and happy older babies and children. I held my daughter a lot, she is now nine months old and is happy to play by herself and does not have "seperation anxiety" A friend of mine on the other hand who did not hold her baby very much and was worried about spoiling him, has now a 10 month old baby who screams if she leaves the room!! You see her baby is insecure and frightened. My baby, who was held a lot, is secure and happy knowing mommy is there for her and loves her very much. She does not feel the need to freak out if I leave the room because she is a secure and happy baby. That's what holding her and loving her a lot did.

Answer 12

no you cant hold her too much.. she doesnt know yet about separation anxiety, she just knows she likes your warmth and loves to hear your heartbeat.. it reminds her of being in the womb. its really good to hold your baby at this time in her life, touch/smell/sight is everything to a newborn, its how they learn.. She will learn that you love her by you holding her. Also she will learn that she is safe in your arms. (which helps later for boo boos, they always run to mommies arms for comfort) Once the baby is older, its best to let her have plenty of time on her own, on the floor, learning, but at 2 weeks you still have a while.

Answer 13

Ya.. I was told the same thing by my in-laws. They even told me that my mother was spoiling the baby and that I wud have a tough time when she left. It was sooooo infuriating.. especially since they had got my hubby convinced too initially .. which caused fights between me and my hubby.. since I refused to let anyone let my baby cry it out .. especially when he was just a few days old. It may look like the baby is getting spoilt... there were time I suspected it too ... but they dont. In fact they respond much better if you attend to them when they need you. My baby listens to me now. He is only 6 months old... but when mommy tells him to please eat his food ( even if he doesnt like it ), he eats it. Not that he understands my words... but my tone makes him want to please me :). He is such a sweetie. I am sooooo glad that I didnt listen to my in-laws and held him. Ofcourse, if the baby isnt crying and is ok by herself, then no need to keep holding her. You too need rest sweetie. That way your baby gets used to being independant. But if she cries, then by all means hold her and calm her down.

Answer 14

The best advice came from my mother in law, "go with the flow, do what works best for you and your baby, and remember advice is just that...advice." After saying that....at 2 weeks old...I don't think your spoiling her....hold her as often as you can ;) They don't stay that little for long. Once my son hit about 3 months I tried to stop picking him up alllll the time...I'd do housework and talk to him while he was still in the same room when he got upset, but I tried to start teaching him that mommy is still there even though she wasn't physically holding him. Best of luck!