Is it alright if I try a Pertenza Ripresa?

Question

Insomnia (Pertenza Ripresa)

The damp darkness did not just fall.

Fall it did, eventually though.

Though, eventually I did call

Call for sight, was not heed enough.

For silence was sudden and sharp.

Sharp like love that rings distant bells

Bells that reproduce Satan’s harp

Harp: a constellation of h***s.

For the stars no longer survive.

Survive now only does the pain.

The pain of knowing I’m alive.

Alive to feel forever sane . . .

I awoke suddenly again.

Again t’was half past the hour,

The hour past my last amen;

Amen . . . t’was a dream of power

Only I shall forget but half

But half forgot did I thus far

Thus far I have but one last calf

One last calf is my herd afar.

It starts to rain, I raise the cane

Cane I do the wet woolly beast

Beast of burdens, they strain my veins

My veins, my nerves; I fall to sleep

Do to recent activity here at the poetry section, I have been motivated to write.

I still need to do a lot of work to this, so any and all suggestion will be appreciated and welcomed. Note: I realize the tone changes halfway through this--it was intentional. Please let me know if it works. I was trying for the vicious cycle of going in and out of sleep--hence the calf that turns woolly.

Answer 1

This is unique, I give you that. I haven't quite got the meaning though.

Answer 2

Interesting structure.  Line beat was 8 except S1L2,3 S4L2,3.  Stanza 1 "did not just fall, fall it did" ?  (maybe me in understanding). Stanza 2 (sharp like love)?  Never heard love described like that?  I think the fact that a word from the previous line has to be restated in the next line limits the flow in your words. I would advise some more editing on transitions.  And as to the cycle of sleep, I would have had a hard time  picking up on that for the whole poem but again maybe just me.  Does this structure limit you to a beat pattern?  Overall, I think this is a good starting point for penning a poem using the format requirements. I don't know if I would be that brave, so congratulations.

Answer 3

It's perfectly alright and I like how you chose to use the last one or two words of the previous sentence.  It gives it an entirely different flavor.  I like the content too.  It's a little dark at first and then becomes somewhat funny.  I hope that was your intent because the last stanza gave me a giggle.  It made me think that you were so frustrated that you beat your sheep while counting them.  I've been there where you struggle to fall asleep and then within moments of finally achieving your goal, you're wracked awake by a dream only to forget it the moment you open your eyes.   I think you described it perfectly...An enjoyable read.  I hope I got it right.