Is it appropriate to tell my boss that i find her constant use of the word "retarded", offensive?

Question

i truly dislike that word.

My baby sister (9) has down syndrome. Every time i hear the word, i cant help wincing.

She uses it very very frequently. Its not just the word, its the way she says it kinda implies that every garden variety idiot is somehow comparable to an individual that is mentally delayed.

Its being used as an insult.

Consequently, it is characterizing a person by their disability.

She is aware of my dear sister.

Would i be out of line to point this out?

Am i overreacting?

I like my boss and we have a good relationship.

I feel like mentioning this will most likely cause strain.

Please advise.

Answer 1

tell her it offends you that is just plain rude.

Answer 2

I don't like this term applied to people with Down's Syndrome, but if you want to be direct you can just tell this rather stupid woman that you know someone who is actually "retarded" and that this word is very offensive to you.  This just might shut her up.

Answer 3

It is totally understandable about your dislike of this word.  It makes sense also that you would be concerned about strained relationships at work.  A lot of it may depend upon how you approach her about it.  I would urge you, though, to not let the ignorance of others bring you down.  She uses the word and it bothers you.  I think, at times, we make things worse on ourselves when we point out to ourselves every time someone says something like this that we don't like.  It can eat you up and cause your productivity and everything to fall simply because you don't like a word your boss uses.  Does it make it right for her to use it?  No, it does not.  In fact, it makes her look rather non-professional.  And I think that is how you can approach it.  Tell her that you really don't like the word.  It is often misused and overused.  Tell her that you are concerned that others may see her as non-professional through her use of this word.  Especially if your business is one that involves catering to clients.  What if a client has a child that is mentally delayed and your boss comes out with the word "retarded"?  It wouldn't go over well in that setting.  In the process, you may get a chance to share with her why you dislike it so much - but by approaching it as a professional issue it keeps it from being personal between you and your boss.  Only you can decide what the right situation would be in which to approach it.

Sorry this is lengthy.  I was hoping to not be confusing.  Good luck!

Answer 4

Tell her, I don't really like that word either. I really feel bad for the kids that have down syndrome or worse cases of autism.

Answer 5

you absolutely should! calling people and things retards/retarded is really offensive to me and I'm sure you and I are not the only on. And especially in the work place. AND she's aware of your sister which makes it even worse. I think if you have friends at work you should see how they feel and I'm sure they feel the same way, so you can all go at the same time so she knows its not just you

Answer 6

Oh honey you poor thing, yes it is very unprofessional and quite disturbing as you say you little sister has down syndrome, and your boss talks this way, it is obvious she has never had to deal with this sort of situation, therefore she is very ignorant to it.

Just have a little chat to her and hopefully it may make her relies how it upsets you, and explain that she is not directing at you, but it does hurt and could she please stop it.  

You are by no means over reacting at all, it is used in a demeaning matter which is very inappropriate, you would not expect this sort of talk with a boss.

I hope all goes well with the chat, and hopefully she will apologize sincerely and that will stop

Answer 7

I think that if you speak with her in private, and gently explain to her how you feel, that she may try to change.   Use a quiet voice, look at her directly, and ask her to find another word to use in place of "retarded".  I think this is just a habit that she has, and habits can be changed.   She may not change right away, and she may slip up, so hang in there.

Answer 8

You have a Corporate Office? Send them the message. I don't like it myself and any who is mentally challenged in any way should never be made fun of. I don't care if it would cause a strain to me, I would tell her writing that it's offensive. By the way you wrote this question, it is shocking to me that you haven't thought of that yet, you seem to be very intelligent. Make sure your direct and stand your ground, you already have a law suit.

Answer 9

No, you are not over-reacting; but I think you misunderstand why she is using it.  She is using it to characterize people who are fundamentally stupid, in that they don't exercise good judgment, which can s***w things up.  She also believes that you understand that she isn't referring to your sister when she vents, with that word.  Of course, she hasn't used good judgment around you, and would probably be very embarrassed, if it were pointed out to her.

If you can get past the misperception that she means to insult the developmentally disabled, and realize that she's using it to vent her frustrations, with people who manage to s***w things up, because they are unable to exercise common sense, you will no longer feel offended.  If you can see that she, herself, exhibits a lack of common sense, because she's out of touch with herself, and uses that word to distance herself from her own personality flaw, you will go a very long way towards desensitizing yourself, to that word.  The last thing she's talking about is your sister, or anyone like your sister.  She's referring to herself.

Answer 10

Maybe you could mention that people with learning disabilities find the word offensive. I saw a segment on Good Morning America which addressed the issue...it was about the new Ben Stiller movie. Maybe you could bring up the movie and how it is controversial.

Answer 11

I think if she associated "retarded" with mentally disabled persons, she most likely would not be using the word in front of you.  However, I understand why it offends you; I don't like the word, either.  When I was a kid, mentally disabled persons were routinely described as being "retards."  It was simply a term, not meant as an insult.  But through the years it has become a negative term and considered improper to use when describing the mentally challenged.  I think, then, the meaning of the word moved away from any medical connotation and is simply used as an insult similar to dumbas*, dimwit, knucklehead, etc.  That said, I still don't like the word.  And I totally understand why you feel as you do.  Maybe you could calmly and politely ask your boss if she realizes how hurtful/offensive that word is to the mentally disabled and their families.  Give her the benefit of doubt---she probably just doesn't understand.  If she still uses it after your conversation, perhaps you should be more forceful with your objections (go over her head).  

Answer 12

You have every right to feel offended by this.  It's totally inappropriate, especially if she knows about your sister.  Seems very inconsiderate imo.  I'd talk to her...

Answer 13

no not at all you should just tell her your uncomfortable with that word

Answer 14

Tell your boss, in private, so as not to embarrass her.  If she continues (now, it's hard to change a habit - she will slip up from time to time), inform her that you feel you must take it up with H.R.  If it continues, take it up with Human Resources.  (or her boss if there is no H.R.).

Answer 15

I think your overreacting

A word like retarded shouldn't offend you

I got a brother who is what "normal" people would deem slow

but I don't let it bother me none

Answer 16

It is completely appropriate to tell her. Hate speech does not belong in a (supposedly) professional vocabulary. And if she gives you c**p over it, take it to the higher-ups.

Answer 17

tell your boss you need a moment in privacy, with a whitness

  Tell Her, that her words and wording for people of disabilities, is offensive, and to you, its her way of a being personally insulting, and you wish she would reframe. If she continues take her to the Labor Board and sue her for defamation of character

Answer 18

the word retarded now is used as a derogatory word most people when really talking about peoples conditions say things like she has downsyndrome not oh shes retarded and you finding it offensive just means your calling your sister retarded when in fact shes not retarded she has downsyndrome. Its like kids with learning disabilities noone say my daughter is stupid they say my daughter has dylexia or my daughter is a slow learner

Answer 19

First of all, I'm sorry you've had to live with hearing this every day. It must really get under your skin! It sounds similar to the way I hate hearing people use "g*y" in a negative sense because my best friend happens to be just that. I usually don't get confrontational when people do that, but for me these are in a social situation. Your concern takes place in a professional setting and for your boss to say that is completely inappropriate, whether or not she knows about you sister, it's just insensitive and offensive in and of itself. If you have a good relationship with your boss, pull her aside when day and tell her gently that her use of that word makes you feel uncomfortable. I say "gently" because as she is your boss, you want be careful not to put her too much on the defensive. I think if you explain how it makes you feel, especially in light of your sister, she'll understand. she's probably just not aware of how offensive it is. good luck.

Answer 20

Yeah that word makes me really defensive, i have two disabled uncles so i really hate the word, it just reminds me of all the things my uncles go through when they try to live their everyday lives,but i think if you just tell her your situation and how you feel,she has no other choice but to respect where you're coming from, good luck =)