Is it as simple as he's just a brat? A bad seed?

Question

My 9 year old son has a friend, Nick. Their friendship is an on-again-off-again one, usually at Nick’s lead. I’ve raised an eyebrow once or twice at how angry Nick gets. He decides at a moment’s notice if/when their friendship is terminated. Then in a month they’re thick again. Nick seems to be a bit of a controller. Personalities are part of life right?

Yesterday 5 boys went to a baseball game with another parent for a birthday celebration of another kid. The announcer said something about Diabetes. My son says out loud, to no one in particular, “Hey my sister has diabetes.” Nick said the scientists will find a cure for it as soon as she’s dead. My son told me about this and I almost cried... he did cry. The last time my son was playing over at his house, Nick pretend-chased him with a pocket knife.

There’s more, these are recent or recurring examples. I’m not wondering if or how to defuse the friendship. I’m wondering where my responsibility ends. I’ve never met a kid like this. Is it a sign of something bigger? Should I worry about something in his home life? I like his mother very much, I don’t know his father very well. I'm not suggesting anything is going on over there. I'm saying I don't know.

I’ll tell you what I’d like to do. I’d like Nick out of my son’s life. I’d like to call his mother on the phone and tell her what Nick said. But I know I’ve made this personal because of the diabetes. Plus I don’t know if abandoning Nick is the right thing to do, not knowing the reason for the anger. At minimum Evan will stop going over there to play. Nick is his best friend (when they're "on"). What would you do next?

Answer 1

i've had a couple friends like that. very controlling, and they get super mad when you disagree with them. but even if you have taken this personally because of the whole diabetes thing, you have a right to. that was just way outta line for such a little kid. i think you should just wait until ur son decides he doesnt want to hang around nick anymore. but if something really bad happens between now and when even decides not 2 be friends with him anymore, then intervene

Answer 2

I understand exactly what you are going threw, we just ended a friendship for my son. This boy was very similar to Nick, very controlling, he made all the decision of what to play, and told my son who he could play with. My son is very passive, he gets along with everyone and just goes with the flow. My son has came home crying because of this boy due to something he said or something he did to him. The final straw was when my son came home with a black eye, this boy was mad at my son for sitting with someone else during lunch, and decided to swing his metal lunch box around bust my son in the head. I in turn went right to the school, talked to the teacher, Principal, and wanted that boy out of my sons class room. Mind you the school has had many problems with this boy. I wanted a meeting with the boys parents and the teacher. Needless to says the boys parents were not interested in any one saying anthing about there perfect son! They yelled, swore and told us we shouldn't interfer. I told them i did not want our boys to be friends and i wanted them to be seperated into different classes, and the teacher agreed. As we were walking out of the school the boys parents told me i was overprotective, and should let my son fight his own battles. I said to them, well atleast i know where your son gets his attitude.  We always tell our kids not to fight, to just walk away if someone is being mean.

Needless to say that boy was expelled from the school district.

I would try to keep them seperated, make sure they are not in the same classes.

Answer 3

What he said is just what a kid would say.  Yes, it was inappropriate and it made your son sad, but that isn't a reason to go to his mother and tell.

What you should tell her is that her son was chasing your kid with a pocket knife.  Fun or no fun, that is not acceptable.  What about the kid who was looking at his dad's gun for "fun" and accidentally shot himself?

The kid sounds like a troublemaker and a outspoken individual, but it's no reason to tell your son he can't be friends with him.  Unless the kid is making your kid do things he shouldn't be doing and getting them both in trouble.

I would have him come to your house for a while and play.

Answer 4

By "pretend chase" do you mean he had a pretend knife or a real knife and was just joking around? Because no 9 year old should have any kind of knife, and that alone would warrant a phone call to his mother. I can see where you're struggling though. I had an awful friend when I was about the same age and my mother never knew what to do. Part of her wanted to keep me from hanging out with her, and part of her felt like it was a part of life for me to experience different people. Of course, this girl never chased me with a knife, but she was pretty nasty. My mom tried to keep our hanging out time to a minimum, but she never flat out said I couldn't hang out with her. She actually preferred if I had this girl over to our house so my mom could keep an eye on her.  

Answer 5

That kid sounds like he's got some deep seated issues that need some counselling and possible medication to work out.  I'd definetly keep your son away from him and let them not be friends.  A friend like Nick will just make his insecurities in himself that much bigger and could affect his self image and self esteem maybe even causing him to fail at relationships later in life.  I'd SERIOUSLY limit the contact to little or nothing.

Answer 6

Your son needs to cut all ties with him. He needs to tell him (You can coach him on what to say) that since he can't treat his friends like they should be treated that he doesn't want to be around him anymore. If you call his parents you will just open a big can of worms. They might be abusive to him and you don't want to be responsible for  him being harmed. What you could do when school starts is mention his behavior to a school counselor and tell them that you are concerned that there might be some issues at home and let them deal with it.  

Answer 7

Your son would never act like this say things like this why....becasue you taught him much better :)

Kids have to learn what they do from something else.

Something else would be going on in nicks life and hes only young he doenst really no its wrong.

Maybe theres something wrong at home,maybe theres something wrong at school,maybe theres older people in his life showing him the wrong things.

Your doing the right thing by not wanthing your son around this as you don't want him to loose a friend but that might be hard for nick he sounds like hes very insecure,and as you said likes to control things.

Usually people who try to control things are the most in lack of control.

Theres probly alot of bad things going on in his life that he can't control and it probly makes him feel better to no he can control this.

You can;t really ask his mom straight out "are you a bad parent what do you do to nick at home"

I would speak to the teachers and see what theyve noticed,they have the most power when it comes to a child going threw some troubles at home.Or he could have behavioural problem which they will discuss with his parents and be able to give them some resourses to help.

I'm sure hes a nice boy deep down some one just needs to show him how,maybe your sons the one to do this since you sound like a great caring mom :)

Answer 8

This kid definately sounds as if he has some issues. And there is NO need for your son to be dragged along on the downhill ride this kid will obviously be taking. You want your son around when Nick decides to torture a puppy? How about when he's older and wants to rob a store or drink and drive? Your #1 job is to protect your child, not worry about being all PC with this other kid.. End their contact now would be my vote ( mom of five)

Answer 9

Nick is not really his friend. Childhood friends come and go anyway.

Is all this heatache really worth it for an on again off again thing?

It is not your job to fix Nick, it is his parents. They need to be told about his bahaviors, though they should certainly know about it by now, and the two need to be seperated.

Sounds like Nick is a brat, needs some discipline, but there's nothing wrong mentally that's serious. Kids say stupid c**p all the time and your son should get used to that. If he cries everytime someone says something mean, he'll be crying a lot.

You're not "abandoning" Nick. His parents need to step up. Kids are angry all the time, that doesn't mean there's some serious mental illness that you must try to fix. They don't even need to be angry to say something stupid. They imitate what they see.