Is it bad for a child to go back a forth between parents??

Question

I have a 4 year old son and a 6 year old daughter. I'm not with the fathers. (I don't need relationship advice and can go without the mean comments, but thanks) My daughter is in school so she is with me all week and with her dad every other weekend and that's been working fine for us. But my son goes back and forth. He has him a few days a week and i have him a few. It's split in half. My son has been acting out. Do you think it will be better to let my sons dad have him every other week and for him to go a week with out seeing me or his sister or is it worse to have a child going back and forth. Please only give me kind advice.

Answer 1

I think you need to sort out who is having main custody of your son and then he can visit his dad/you at weekends.

Rather than this backwards and forwards situation.  I mean where is  home for your son?  Yours or his dads?  Must be terrible for him.

I used to be dragged between my mum and dad till i was old enought to say enough was enough and decided to live with just one of them full time.    

Answer 2

Personally I think children need stability. Jumping back and forth constantly is not stability. Kids need structure, they need rules, they need consistency. Without that they are just lost dogs and lost dogs act out. Your rules and the structure of your house are probably different from you're ex's rules and structure. Maybe you let him sleep or stay up late but your husband puts him to bed early. Maybe you read to him before bed, but your husband doesn't. Thats very confusing to young children and makes them uncomfortable when there isn't consistency.

Not only do they need stability, they also need a place to call home, a place they are comfortable. He isn't going to feel at home anywhere because he is not in one place long enough to get comfortable. He will see each home as a hotel where he sleeps, but won't ever develop that attachment as if he has a home...thats not healthy.

So my advice would be to extend the time he spends with each parent, maybe to a week with one then a week with the other. Whatever the length of time the biggest thing is that you and your ex need to come up with some common rules for your son. Have a set bed time and time to get up, have some common things for him in each house (for example if he like fruit loops give him fruit loops at both houses for breakfast). Maybe find some things he can have with him wherever he goes like a stuffed animal or a game that he can play whether he is at your house or his dads. He just needs something that he can have as a constant in his life. Hope that helps and good luck!

Answer 3

I am a divorced mother of 2 and while my kids are older than yours NOW, they were about your kids' ages when I divorced. My opinion is that A) it's natural for 4 year olds to act up. Every kid is different. And B) what matters the most is that you and your ex's provide safe, loving homes and make your children knwo that you love them more than anything. Try and talk with the boy's dad and be on the same parenting page. It won't always be possible but you can try. It's nice that your son gets to spend so much extra time with his dad but do try to get some general rules in place and enforce them.

Wish you the very best...

Answer 4

Kids are resilient and don't mind going back and forth between 2 well adjusted loving environments.  That wouldn't be the problem.  They enjoy the break from the other parent and getting to spend time with the one they're with.  They can also jump around between friend's houses to spend the night - so they usually don't mind unless they have some abnormal impairment or social disfunction most often learned from disfunctional parents.  The problem is two immature idiotic parents that undermine and attempt to or unconsciously punish each other through the child.  The most likely problem is antisocial or maladaptive parents unable to demonstrate basic cooperative or problem resolution behaviour.

Answer 5

Perhaps having both your children away at the same time would be best; probably in keeping with your daughters routine is best, after all your son shall be starting school next year(?)

This would be beneficial to the three of you together showing that you are a strong stable family, for your son to gain a much needed routine, and indeed for you as you shall be guaranteed time to yourself, unless one of your children need to stay home with you due to ill health etc.

I hope this is helpful, take good care :-)  

Answer 6

Sounds like a tough situation! I don't think it is necessarily bad, but it isn't the greatest of situations either. Children, especially at 4 years of age need stability. They need a stable routine that they can count on, otherwise they have to adapt, which you probably know isn't fun even when you get older. The best bet might be to work something out, whether you decide it's one week for you and then one week for him, or keep the situation you have now. Just make sure to always answer any question he may have about the situation and don't ever make him feel that he has to choose between you and his dad! It's really great that his dad even still wants to be involved, so you got lucky there! Good luck to you and your children! :)