Is it best to tell an adopted child that they are adopted right away?

Question

My mom's friend adopted a baby because she is an older lady and had a miscarriage. I was wondering, if most adopted parents tell their kids that they are adopted right away (if they got them when they were babies or very young) or do they wait until the child is grown up?

Answer 1

I have a good friend who adopted an infant (right from birth at the hospital) and they have always been open with him that he is adopted. He is now 5 and they talk openly about adopting, the process, difficulties, and he usually chimes right in about having had a 'birth mom' too! I think just 'always' saying it (right along in their life) makes it the easiest. That way its always been there. You of course have to limit your statements or explanation to age appropriate amts.

Answer 2

YES, without a doubt.

Answer 3

I do not remember being told I was adopted.  I have just always known.  My mother has always been open about my adoption and answered any questions I have ever had.  She has always been grateful to my b.mom-whoever she is.  Years ago I asked my mom if it bothered her that I was searching-she, of course said no-she wants to help me however she can. I have prepared myself for good or bad outcomes.  I know my mother will be there for me through it all.  I know that I have grown up not having any anger about my adoption because my mom was so open and honest all along.  It would have been devastating to be told later in life that I was adopted.  How deceitful!  That would cause a ton of trust issues and identity issues.  Always be honest with your children.  You are the people that they trust most in the world!

Answer 4

We adopted our little boy as a newborn, two years ago. The best advice I heard is that an adopted child should never hear "for the first time" that they were adopted. Which is to say, the fact of their adoption should just be part of their life, and their story, just like being born.  Children who find out late in life that what they thought about their family isn't true, have a much harder time and more issues with their adoption than kids who know from the get go. Adoption isn't something to hide from a child; it's part of who they are.  

That said, every person and situation is different, but I would say it's better for the child to know early on.

Answer 5

my sons adopted parents have told him and their other adopted child, from the time they were infants.  i think it was easier on both knowing from the start

Answer 6

Yes, we adopted both of our children at 6 months old, and started telling them about their "adoption story" before they could even talk. If you tell them from the begining it won't suddenly come as a suprise to them and will be something they've just always known.

Also, sometimes when parents decide to wait until their child is older (say 4 or 5), when the time does come, they may be worried so much about the reaction, that they wait longer and longer, and then you end up with a teenager who learns to truth from a cousin or family friend, and may feel like they can never trust their parents again.

Answer 7

i would tell them right away, because they will have a like 16 year old crisis and then you just BAM tell them your not there real parents. It would be so hard on them.

Answer 8

If they're old enough to understand when you explain I'd say right away. Like maybe 4-5? There's always a way to explain. It would be a shock that could affect them if they find out once they're older. It would be harder to assimilate.

Answer 9

Pretending the adoption never happened and telling them when they grow up is an old fashioned trend.

Now, parents understand that kids deserve to understand where they came from. The story of their adoption is just a known fact, talked about from the time they are babies. Their questions are answered on an age appropriate basis.

Answer 10

My two older children were almost three when we adopted them, they knew at a young age, when they able to understand. As they got older and questions arose concerning certain events in their life before we adopted them, I would take this time to discuss their adoption and answer any questions.

Answer 11

Yes.  There's not a reason in the world for the a-parent to wait until a child is older.  

I can think of a half dozen poor excuses some put off the inevitable despite it being emotionally damaging to the child.

Answer 12

i think you should only tell them when you think it is time

Answer 13

Studies have shown that parents who are upfront about adoption right away have better relationships with their kids and the kids are more emotionally stable.

Answer 14

I adopted my son from birth. We have been very open and honest about him being adopted. He is almost 4 years old and is just now starting to understand the whole adoption thing, along with the birth mother, adopted mother thing.

I think doing it while they are young is the best thing. The grow up knowing the truth and they can have all their questions answered as they come up.  Having to tell a 18 year old that they are adopted can really mess someone up.  it is too much to handle.  I bet they feel like their entire lives has been a lie.

Answer 15

I believe it is important to tell them right away, so they grow up knowing it as just a part of who they are. Now that doesn't mean that they won't have any negative feelings about being adopted, but imagine learning something so pivotal about yourself at a later age? Betrayal, broken trust... I don't see how that would be worth it. Tell the truth. It's their truth.

We adopted our daughter from China at 9 months old. We told her immediatley how much we loved her and how happy were to adopt her and have her as a member of our family. We've also mentioned many times that she has a mama in China that gave birth to her.

It is amazing what children can comprehend.

ETA: How does that get a thumbs down?

Answer 16

the adopted parents should tell the adopted child straight away cause the longer they leave it, the older the child gets the harder it becomes and if the child doesnt find out till there older this can really affect the child and cause alot of problems, so they should tell them ASAP, i knew from the age 4 when i was adopted that the parents who had me, that they werent my real parents at all

Answer 17

My wife and I have never really had any sort of a sit down type chat to tell either of our adopted daughters that they were adopted.  It's just never come up.  They are actually a different race then my wife and I so it's not as though we could have hidden it if we wanted to.  We've always just talked openly about it as they grew up.  

If it had, conceivably, been possible to hide it we certainly would have been just as open and upfront about it from the start as we have been.  My grandmother didn't find out until she was almost 70 that she had been adopted as an infant and it just about crushed her.  I'd never want anyone to go through that "shock" even at a younger age.

Answer 18

Babies need to be raised learning about adoption. This begins with reading adoption stories from books and telling them their own adoption story in an age appropriate way.