Is it better to adopt or foster?

Question

I've heard some bad tales of adoption going wrong recently, with little or no support forthcoming. And fostering pays an allowance. But fostering could mean you make an attachment then they take the child away to place elsewhere which would be awful. Anyone have experience of either or both and can offer some insights into the pros and cons of each choice please?

Answer 1

i would foster a child

they are the ones who dont have a home and are living in little flats with loads of others it would be nice to foster because you can give a child a better home

Answer 2

This question affects me personally.  I was in the foster care system for the first 5 years of my life, and adopted when I was 5.  I was moved around to different foster homes 5 that I can actually recall.  Some were not very good experiences, and as an adult I recall things I have buried deep in my subconcious.  It is hard on the child as well to be in foster homes, THEY form attachments too.  It is emotionally damaging for a child to grow to LOVE and TRUST people and then be ripped away and put in another home with strangers.  It really depends on the individual providing the foster home.  Some are in it just for the money.  The money they recieve from the state is supposed to go to the child for clothes and food, in my case 1 foster home, bought their children new clothes and toys and gave me their kids dirty torn clothes.  You have to look at the child you might be receiving in ANY case, whether to adopt or foster.  The older they are the harder it will be, because you have no idea what that child has already been through and what emotional problems comes with the kid.  When I was adopted, I was glad that I didnt have to move anymore.  As a teenager, I was bad.  Really bad, but my adoptive parents will tell you that in the end I turned out the best.  I have a good career, the only child of 3 going to college, my own house and car.  Whatever decision you make should be with children in mind.  Not every adoption situation is horrible, you just have to know what you are looking for and what you want.  You can try to adopt out of the country and then you are pretty much gaurenteed a child 2 yrs or younger.  now keep in mind there will be extensive things you will have to do in order to prepare to adopt out of country.  My parents are now trying to adopt from Vietnam.  They had to go through an almost 2 yr process and should be going to get their baby this fall.    Good luck in whatever decision you make, and as long as you provide and loving an nurting home whether temporary or permanent, you will make a difference in the life of a child.

Answer 3

There is just fostering and there is also foster to adopt which means a child would come into your care but could return back to there birth parents, however if the child is placed up for adoption and that child has been with you as the foster parents then you would have the first choice weather you would like to adopt that child.  To me it takes a very strong person to be able to do this and it is a very special person.  You have to understand that you could get attched to that child and the child be taken from you, so you have to be ready for that situation.  The first main goal is always for reunification with birth parents if that is not possible then they will check with all family members to see if they would take the child and then if not then the child goes in to the adoption statis.  It is very complicated you should go and talk to someone in DCF so that you can understand it better they usually run a orientation once a month where you can meet a panel of foster parents and they tell there stories and you get to listen and ask question.  I use to foster and have had children come and go in my life and know I am blessed with my little boy in which I adopted.  Hope this helps

Answer 4

The best thing to do is follow your heart.

Answer 5

I think every situation is different. my parents are foster parents (me and my fience are taking a course now to become ones too) and they have had alot of children in their home plus adopted a 1

year old 2 years ago.

If the reason that you dont want to adopt is the finacial part of it then dont adopt. Because here in canada most of the time you take full responsibility for the child once you adopt them, paying for everything. Like i said most of the time, in my brothers case the CAS agreed to pay for any finacial help he may need "if" he has a leaning disability and needs more help then a normal child. But thats not saying its going to happen, but theres a little more to the storey.

If you foster then yes you do get the "allowace" ( which I hope isnt the reason you are doing this) but the child can be taken at anytime and maynot be with you forever which can be very hard ( dont know if I can give them back if i need to when I become one) but its knowing that you did all you could to help out a child in need!

Pro's of adopting: * they are "your" child forever!

                               * They can have your name

                              * Your helping out a child and

                              giving them a loving caring

                               family

                               * Your getting one more child

                                  out of CAS

                               * You can feel good about what

                                You did

Con's:   * The child may feel about of place when they get older, wondering why they dont look like the rest of the family

              * They will want to meet the biological family, which can be hard and hurtfull

              * They may have medical issues that you didnt know about and may have to take resposibility for and could  be expensive

             *  Your family may not accept them like there own ( hopefully they arnt like that, but some are)

Pro's of fostering: * Your doing something rewarding and helping out a child in need.

                               * You are helping a child grow into a better person by letting them stay with you and get out of the situation they were put into by thier parents

                             * You are getting an allowance o help out with the child ( it is a good thing)

                            * If the child is acting out and you cant handle them you can have them moved

                           * You get experience with different types of children

I think you need to sit back and look at what you want!!!

Answer 6

They are two completely different things.  When you plan to adopt you plan to make a child your child.  When you plan to take a foster child you will never be that child's parent because he will have parents, and even if they aren't in the picture, state-ward foster kids have the state act as their "parent"  - not the foster mother.

I'm an adoptive mother of a son. I adopted him from infancy, and he's now grown.  I often write about the closed adoption I had with him.  (I also have two biological children, and his adoption had nothing to do with my having any problems having kids.)

I'm posting three links to articles I've written about adoption because I think they may give you an idea of the depth and permanence of adoption.

I don't have statistics, but I believe when adoptions go bad the reason is one of the following:

When children over two are adopted (and sometimes slightly under) they may have been damaged to the point of becoming too difficult for adoptive parents to know how to deal with.

When older children are adopted they may not be sociopaths or severely disturbed, but even the most well intentioned adoptive parents don't quite always know how to handle some of their issues to the child's satisfaction.

When healthy infants are adopted I suspect sometimes parents just don't handle the adoption well and kids grow up more insecure, angry, or longing than they really needed to be.

Sometimes when problems arise the parents and kids automatically think the adoption is the root of it, when much of the time kids' problems have nothing to do with the adoption.  It's an easy thing for all to blame, though, and it doesn't help parents and kids stay strong through those rough years.

Here's the links if you're at all interested:

http://www.helium.com/items/302205-adopt...

http://www.helium.com/debates/109344-pos...

http://www.helium.com/debates/109322-sho...

Answer 7

if your not sure what to do then why not try (rest bite). this is when say a single parent has to go into hospital and has no one to look after there child then they get put with some one that deals with rest bite, look it up on a fostering site for more infor:

Answer 8

I would go for adoption. If you foster then your child can be reunited with their parents and you are left alone and childless. Thats a big risk to take. It really depends on the couple as I know people who have fostered and have been happy to help when needed. If you want long term then it must be adoption.

Answer 9

Contact your local family and children services agency. THey can give you all the answers you need.

Answer 10

I haven't fostered, but I am good friends with a few families that have.  I am adopted, so I can tell you what that is like too lol.

Fostering:

- Great in the sense that these children need stable environments, even if it is only temporary

- A lot of the time these children go back to unstable environments for the sake of "keeping the bio-family together" when in some cases, it isn't in the best interests of the child.  That can hurt the foster family deeply, since it isn't only tearing new bonds, but it is hard to know that a child isn't likely going to be raised properly

Adoption:

- Great choice, but comes with its own challenges.  For example, if the kid isn't fitting into the family, you can't just request a new placement after a year or two.  You are the parents for life.

If you are willing, I think it would be best to consider foster care with the intent of possible adoption.  If your social worker is aware of that, he/she will likely place children in your home that could possibly be prospects for adoption eventually.

Answer 11

i have adopted 4 girls and had foster children come and go.To see a child leave is sad but you can still talk and see the child.I know it is not all the same but it is all about the child.

Answer 12

IN BOTH CASES IT IS HARD. I AM ALSO PLANNING TO DO THIS. I BELIEVE YOU SHOULD ADOPT FIRST BECAUSE THEY ARE GOING TO PAY YOU TO TAKE CARE OF THE CHILD AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WORKING EXTRA HOURS. LATER IF YOU WANT YOU CAN TRY TO ADOPT THAT CHILD, WHICH IN SOME CASES THEY LET YOU ADOPT THE CHILD OR IF YOU WANT WHEN YOU ARE MORE STABLE YOU CAN ADOPT AND MAYBE FOSTER AT THE SAME TIME.

Answer 13

this is a very personal descision as you say, but that said I think its a good idea to hear a broad range of experiences,

My BEST friend (since I was 5) adopted a little girl about 6-7 years ago, and 4-5 years ago adopted the girls sister, (she fostered them initially) has given me the advice to spend a long time fostering initially,  because of the proffesional advise and support given.  

As soon as she adopted these sisters, she found the advice and help virtually stopped and she has to fight to get any help for one of the girls (who has very serious emotional issues).

So my (2nd hand) advice to you would be the same, foster initially until you're sure, because once you adopt its for life, for better or worse!!!

Very good luck with it - I hope it goes really well.

Answer 14

It depends on whether you just want to take care of children, or be a parent.   When you foster a child, you are not actually their parent, but just a legal guardian of sorts.  In that role, you do have the opportunity to benefit a child tremendously.  But if you want to be a child's mother, you need to proceed with an actual adoption.

Answer 15

Why not foster first, get a taste for it and then adopt. Remember a kid is not just for christmas!!!

Answer 16

i know how you feel i am going though this with my sister's little boy the social services took him off here and placed him with me on a temp basic but they are currently doing an assessment on me to make sure i am capable to look after him the fostering teams says there wont be a problem but my sister is not doing anything to get the kid back and i am afraid she will **** up her chances and they move him along with some one Else i would like to adopt him if i could my my sister is really not having that i am having 300 pound a week to support my nephew bear in mind if you do foster you wont be aloud to work that's only one of the rules they have

Answer 17

I can tell you from experience that adopting is the best choice because i was 3 when i was taken into foster care was it not only hard on the people i was leaving but on me .think about the child do you want to put the child thru house to house or would you rather have a child to keep and love as much as you can.

Answer 18

Quite frankly, this subject is much too complex and important to discuss on a site such as Q and A! Surely you could contact an adoption group who could give you guidance on such an important life time/style role.

Answer 19

the only connection between adoption and fostering is someone elses child in your home. it depends what you want in your future and what your reasons are. i am a foster carer and would never consider adoption, possibly long term fostering but the child would have to be the right one for my family. also, we would have to be the right family for the child.

Answer 20

I would suggest you need to hink what you want as you are asking about two completely different things - jsut becuase they are both aobut taking a child into your home does not mean they are similar emotionally.

If you do nto feel strongly about either process then do not do either.

i manage a family centre and fostering or adopting is traumatic for the parents and the child.  The children have been rejected once or many times before and whatever age they are they feel and act this out - though aggression, clingy behaviour, biting, pinching, excess energy, sptitting.

i have supported some families thorugh both processes and know many many foster parents whose heart is not in it any more and it is simply a job to earn lots of money.  I find it really sad to see children going home from our nursery with foster parents who have given up becuase the child's behaviour is so challenging but there is no where else for that child to go.  

We have two children (not related) at our nursery both age 4 who were adopted by two families and their behaviour is a terrbile strain to everyone involved.  Both show excessive aggression, stress behaviour, s[itting, biting, hideous temper tantrums.  One family is coping ok but the other have recently got social care involved as they are wanting to end the adoption.

It is a huge thing to take on an aopted child and when you talk to many social workers you will find out that very few would adopt a child as they know how it affects children!

Tread very slowly - and also be aware that many authorities do not let foster parents adopt their foster children - in fact they actively discourage it so do not do this if you are hoping that you will one day get a great cute foster child and hope you will get to adopt them.  It rarely happens in my experience

Answer 21

it depends on the situation. personaly i would foster first then adopt. it can be hard either way. but adoption provides more stability.

Answer 22

foster a child before you adopt him/her.

Answer 23

This is a tough question.  One thing you need to make sure you are aware of is reactive attachment disorder.  This affects numerous children who are adopted, and even more foster children.  The disorder is a result of neglect, abuse, or simply being moved from place to place and never having an opportunity to bond among other things.  It is a very serious disorder that takes tons of love and patience to correct.  I only mention this, because I was not aware of it, and my stepdaughter suffers from the disorder.  It is very painful for everyone involved, and is taking a lot of hard work to try to overcome it.  Before you make a decision, make sure you talk to people who have adopted and who have had foster children.  Also talk to professionals who can support you with your decision.  Ultimately the decision is yours.  Personally, I would say adopt if you are willing to take on that huge responsibility.  Best of luck with your decision!

Answer 24

Fostering that way you can get rid of the child if you want!  Sorry to say but I love kids don't get me wrong, but I love MY kids because they're mine and theres not too many that I really like.  All the kids in my family are spoiled rotten stuck up brats if you ask me!  I surely don't want my kids acting that way.  Those brats drive me nuts

Answer 25

i really dont know so much too  but i think adoption is better in that case ....

well, thats just  what i think from the books and News i read and hear .......

Answer 26

We chose to Adopt our children...and wanted to be introduced from the start as their "growing up" parents....  

We believed that like any other parent we would take what we got and make a committment from the start to parent the children that were placed into our lives....

Our children are very special needs and it has not been an issue to find support and help--not that it has always made a big difference we have not been alone.....

Our children were in a Foster Home for just about a year... Our daughter was 4 and her brother a few weeks old when placed---the foster family wanted to adopt the baby but not his older sister. Our daughter is fully aware that she was NOT wanted by a family--and that her brother was.... This might be one of the most difficult emotional pains she has to over come....

We plan to foster in the future--and will approach that from a different frame of mind...well trained and expereinced foster parents are able to do a better job of preparing children and helping them move on.