Is it better to ignore the bad side of adoption?

Question

Certain members like to call me and people who agree with me "anti adoption" because we feel we should enlighten others about the possible negative impacts of adoption on the adoptee and the first mothers.

But is it really better to ignore these negatives and pretend they don't exist? Shouldn't a woman who's considering adoption be aware of ALL the possible effects that her child may feel, and that she may feel...including both positive AND negative?

Wouldn't doing anything less be irresponsible?

Answer 1

Well, they say ignorance is bliss...

But I don't think my first mom agrees.  She was given no help from her family.  Instead, she was told to give me up.  She did, and thought she was doing the best thing for both of us.  

Within a couple of years, she was heartbroken over losing me, married a man who was completely irresponsible, and had four children with him in a futile attempt to replace me.

I, on the other hand, went to a home where my aparents divorced within eight years of taking me in.  They loved me and cared for me the best they could.  But I never fit.

For 36 years, my first mom and I missed each other terribly.  Everyone who says she did a wonderful thing has to answer to both of us.  She wasn't given a choice.  And we both suffered because of it.  

Are there happy adoption stories out there?  Apparently.  Does that mean every adoption story is happy?  Of course not.

Ignorance is only bliss for those that stay ignorant.  Someone who gives their child up for adoption will no longer be ignorant.  Better to find out the possible consequences in advance, while they can still be avoided.

Answer 2

I don't think it is better to ignore one side of something. The truth is that there are different experinces regarding adoption. I feel that all experinces should be listened too either they be good or bad. One thing I do not like is that those that sometimes share the experince and they talk about negative feelings. Someone will come along and post for them to get over their feelings. I feel that isn't very nice. The other can be said of those that post postive experinces, then someone posts that they are lying. Bottom line is this, we are all different, are adoption experinces growing up were different. Either they be good or bad, we all should not be igornant regarding the postive and negative affects of adoption. Knowing all sides of this subject can help all to better understand adoption.

Thanks,

healing adoptee

Answer 3

Adoption IS a big deal, and talking about the pros and cons is important, I agree.

But the bottom line is saving these children from abortion or a mother who isn't ready to BE a mother, and sending them to a couple who can't have a baby and desperately want to love a child.  That matters more than anything.  All babies deserve the chance to live and be loved.

Answer 4

I don't think it would be wise to ignore any of the sides of adoption - it's not something that can be taken lightly. Adoption is of such great consequence, I don't know how anyone could enter into it without wanting to fully understand ALL the ramifications and possibilities.

Is it better to ignore the negatives?    - Absolutely not.

Should someone who's considering adoption be aware of

ALL the possible effects?    - I can't think of any other acceptable way.

Wouldn't doing anything less be irresponsible?    - It would be the most irresponsible thing a parent could do.

Nothing bothers me more than parents who only halfheartedly do their job. Children deserve more than that. They should know from the beginning that their parents have done and will continue to do everything possible to provide them with a safe and secure foundation for the rest of their lives. Anything less would be failing them.

Answer 5

So, what should we do with these children who aren't wanted by their natural parents?

Feed them to bears?  Throw them off a cliff?  Perhaps we could just leave them in garbage cans to die?

Seriously, there are babies who are unwanted by their parents, how is adoption a bad thing in that case?

Answer 6

I think it's more comfortable to ignore the bad side.

I also think it's an automatic psychological defense mechanism in most cases.

But that doesn't mean it's right.

Even though denial is a normal psychological defense, when people use it too long, it takes a serious toll on their mental health. AND... in the case of adoption... their denial can adversely affect--HURT--a lot of other people.

I had my head buried in the sand for several years after relinquishing my daughter. It came back to bite me; there came a point when I couldn't keep the walls of denial up any longer, and so when the truth rushed in, it was so overwhelming I basically just broke down.

Denial is a risky undertaking. Very, very risky.

If people don't want to pull their heads out of the sand for the sake of other people--adoptees, expectant moms considering adoption, natural fathers--then I wish they'd at least consider coming up for air for their OWN sakes.

Answer 7

I think that those going into adoption - without knowing all the facts - are possible dangers to the children that they are thinking of adopting - or relinquishing.

To be perfectly blunt - adoption can really mess with a kids head.

If it doesn't NEED to happen - it shouldn't - check out the UN rights of children.

If it does need to happen - then it needs to be done very carefully - and with both the bio parents AND adoptive parents knowing full well what they are getting into.

Parenting children that are not biologically related is a very very hard task - and that task can be even harder when the adoptive parent doesn't understand what a child needs to know - to help them grow. (such as knowing one's history and geneology - to know one's first family - all to help with one's sense of self - and one's self worth).

My adoptive parents didn't know ANYTHING about the psychological effects on me being separated from my mother (nor did my first mother) - and as such - downplayed it - and told me to 'get over it' - and not talk about it. Something that has required much therapy in my adult years - due to their inadequate adoptee-parenting skills.

With adoption - we are talking about infants and children that can NOT defend themselves - and are hoping that adults will make the best decisions for them - NOT make decisions based solely on their own wants and needs.

Who else is going to stand up for the rights of the adoptee - but other adoptees.

Too often prospective adoptive parents just have the wish of having a child - without fully knowing and understanding the losses that must occur for them to have that child.

And too often prospective relinquishing mothers believe the hype of the adoptive parents - that adoption is all a win-win-win scenario - and not knowing of the pain their decisions may cause them and others.

Yes - there needs to be a balance.

BUT - going full-steam ahead into adoption without ALL the facts - well - that's a pretty foolish thing.

Answer 8

I have to think of adoption both ways you see I have a son that has been fighting for his son that was taken without his consent and he's fighting for the little brother of his daughter.

  Then I have a daughter who in no way can have children of her own. When I first found out about my daughter I cried but she seem to not mind for with her genes she said she wouldn't have had children of her own to pass them down.

   After what my family has gone through for my grandson and the long 24 hour trips to see him just to walk away 2 days latter has been unbearable. My daughter wants a child like her either deaf, or some other handicap that are over looked  or a child in foster care that needs extra love I believe God has gave this daughter a gift to love no matter what. But I will tell you something any child brought into our lives will never be lied to about who they are and where they came from.

Answer 9

I don't think any side should be ignored but by the same token, I don't think any one point of view (positive or negative) should be held up as the ONLY way to view it.  Just keep it balanced.

I think that there should be a process before adopting.  Maybe it could include a required reading list.  I've seen a lot of books mentioned here.  I just read "The Girls Who Went Away" and it really opened my eyes.  Personally, I never had many issues with being adopted but I never really considered how it affected a woman I haven't seen since I was 3 days old.  Maybe the pre-adoption process could include interviews with birth moms and grown adoptees to discuss some of the issues they have had.  Maybe parenting classes (that wouldn't be a bad idea for anyone wanting kids!)  Adopting a kid isn't the same as bringing home a puppy from the shelter and adoptive parents need to go into it with full information on how all parties may be affected----short term and long term.

Answer 10

I am not an adopted child, so unlike some of the answers here, I do not have the input that some have.  However, my mother was adopted by an awful, awful woman who proceeded to do whatever she could to make my mother's life miserable.  I have seen the effects of that "bad adoption" on her and the person she  has become and have met her birth parents.  It is difficult to say if her life would have been better with them...they were never married.  But I saw how their lives were at the end...and I cannot say that my mother was "worse off" without them.  As far as I could tell, they never succeeded at their dreams, and they never pulled themselves out of a poverty level.  I don't know if they would have been a good example to my mother.  

My mother became a "survivor" and has achieved everything I believe she ever wanted for herself, including running her own business and a very high net worth.  And what her adoption has taught me is that I WOULD adopt in a heartbeat.  To leave a child in a home where they cannot be taken care of and loved as they should be, I believe is one of the worst kinds of sins.  Yet to be able to save a child by offering them love and safety is one of the nobler causes.  How can it be wrong if one person who would rather have an abortion then a child, and who cares enough to go through the pregnancy and delivery only to see that child go to a family that wants to give it everything...how can that be wrong?  The worst thing that a child could ever receive is the absence of love.

Hope this helps.

Answer 11

When something as happy as an adoption is happening, you don't want to focus on the negatives. Yes things can go wrong with adoption, surrogacy, egg donning, etc. but things can go wrong with pregnancy as well. After all, you don't walk up to a pregnant lady and tell her, "oh my cousins friend had a baby and it died a few minutes after birth because she blah blah blah." I wouldn't have a problem with you telling people the negative "side effects" of adoption, but half the time your not even answering the question. Not only is that against community guidelines, it can really put people down. Hope this helps.

Answer 12

What's most disturbing to me is the people that need the knowledge the most, are the least likely to want to hear it.

People want what they want (to adopt kids) when they want it, and they want to feel like a good person at the same time.

Don't rain on my parade, baby.

Answer 13

It is not better to ignore the bad side of adoption as when considering such a huge thing to undertake, every angle should be considered and every possibility taken into account.

I was incredibly lucky to be adopted as a baby by a wonderful, supportive, and very loving family as the life that I could have had would've been incredibly hard both mentally and emotionally for me and my birth mother. I believe I have been very fortunate to have been given such wonderful parents, without whom I wouldn't where I am or be the person I am today.

However, I am more than aware that I was very lucky to have such brilliant adoptive parents who could cope with the demands of a three-month premature baby in 1981 (and that was very premature for the time), who knew that looking after me would take a lot of hard work, dedication, love and care. Anyone who hadn't been quite up to the job may not have felt so keen to adopt, and potentially the consequences could've been worse for me – and the impact on my future would have been very different.

Anyway I'm sure anyone who is worth being considered as an adoptive parent will consider all the pros and cons before embarking on such an exciting, thrilling and unknown adventure.

Answer 14

It is not good to ignore any facts and experiences surrounding adoption.  Birth mothers considering adoption and adoptive parents should be able to have everything they can to be informed about adoption.  One thing I haven't liked on this group is when an adoptee tells another adoptee who reports a good experience that he or she has just not acknowledged their feelings.  I think ALL experiences should be listened to, not discounted.

Answer 15

people  need to be educated about it all when they think it will be differnt for them it blows up in their faces