Is it better to punish a child or reward him/her?

Question

How do we teach children to do the "right thing"?

Answer 1

A spanking never hurts.  I'm not talking about abuse.  For all of the people saying that you shouldn't use physical punishment......that's bull.  My parents tore my behind up when I deserved it and rewarded me when I deserved it.  They were great parents and I turned out great.  My self esteem is fine.  I have a college degree and a great job so spankings do not hurt a child's development.  So trash that theory. I know plenty of people that can relate.  Children now believe they can do what they want and say what they want because they know that they're only going to be put in "time-out".  Once in a while, parents need to lay into their children.  At the same time, I really believe that they should be rewarded for good behavior.

Answer 2

Discipline (not punish as that is actual physical cruelty) them when they are doing the wrong things and help them learn what the right thing would be.  Reward them for even the smallest of good deeds and behaviors.  Start small and work your way up and dont' set your children up to fail.

Answer 3

It is always better to reward the good behavior. Using ONLY Punishment causes psychological issues about self esteem and conduct.  Some situations require a punishment, but it should never be a physical one, and it should always be age appropriate. Never lock a small child or toddler in a room as punishment.

Answer 4

A reward is better as long as it's not a bribe. It's really hard to make that distinction. Praise is a good reward, and candy or food of any kind should not be the reward. That leads to obesity.

Answer 5

Go get the newest issue of Parents magazine. There is an excellent article on this very subject. I use time outs (the book is "1, 2, 3 Magic" by Dr, Thomas Phelan) for certain crimes and I ignore other ones. I praise the good behavior. I reward good behavior by allowing the child to do something special with me away from their siblings. Talk about kids competing to be the sweetest, it works. I buy them special art supplies as rewards, I never use food or cash. Correction I believe in one M&M for every visit to the potty for potty training purposes, it works and I refuse to feel guilty about it!!

Answer 6

I would not whip them or anything like my parents do. I would just...I guess.....talk to them.....naughty chair.....! I guess punish them, take away certain things. Tell them that they are not going to get them back. Throw it away, and when they are not looking take it back and hide it. When they start to act better and deside that they made a mistake give it back. I did that when I baby sitted. They used to think that I made it Magically apear LOL. But then they will think that you will really take there stuff. Now if this is an older kid do the same thing....but after that they will get used to you doing it. Just tell them they are not going to get this or that if they dont straighten up. And really give them a time period. If they dont in that time... not matter if they do afterward... Dont give them anything.

I dont think this is what you asked for, but....

Answer 7

Positive reinforcement should far outweight punishment to help guide behavior.

In my parenting classes, I usually tell my students that for every punishment given, there should be five episodes of positive reinforcement for the behavior you WANT the child to be displaying.

Answer 8

Positive reinforcement is almost always the better way to go. Punishment teahces children what NOT do do, but doesn't necessarily teach them the correct behaviour.

It also may lead them to just 'not get caught' rather than encourage them to consistently engage in the correct behaviour.

The actual reward would depend on the individual child, and what you are rewarding them for. Letting the child choose what he/she thinks to be an appropriate reward for the behaviour can also teach them a valuable lesson.

Answer 9

It's better if kids know the rules ahead of time.

Punishment for breaking the rules. The kids know or have an idea at least of what the punishment is and why. (really why) What you are trying to teach them.

Reward for when following the rules.

The rules should be sensible and fair. They should be consistent.  It's ok to relax some rules at some points like on vacation or on the weekends. But the kids should understand why they are being relaxed. Sometimes you have to repeat.

Answer 10

Rewards and encouragement, but that doesn't mean children shouldn't be disciplined when they need to be. It should be a balance.

Parents who do nothing but nit-pick and punish their kids are not good parents, but so are those who don't do anything to raise their kids.

Answer 11

Neither. You guide them and share your life with them.

There was a boy scout in Michigan or somewhere who rightly turned in a wallet with $800 in it. The owner rewarded the scout with $100 I think. What really shocked me is that this made national news -- a boy scout in a church actually turned in a lost wallet instead of stealing it or taking any of the money.

Our society has become Pavlovian -- expecting instant reward for our work or good deeds.

With my children I try to reverse that trend and tell them that doing the right thing is its own reward. That being free of guilt or worry about one`s actions is as sweet as candy.

I dunno -- to us I guess our Christian faith plays into it and they have lots of chances to build relationships with camp counselors and youth leaders and other kids and talk about situations and the right things.

I am IN NO WAY saying Christianity is the only way or that it is infallible or that non-Christians have lower moral standards or ANYTHING close to that. Only saying what is good for our family. :-)

So we teach by example and give forgiveness and grace for mistakes and talk about what can go better the next time.

I do not give candy or money or anything for good moral choices and feel it is a mistake to do so. They get allowance for helping around the house.

Answer 12

you must have both a punishment and reward system.

Answer 13

I think punishment for wrong and rewards for good actions only work to some extent. It is a method that suits more for younger children who can't discern between right and wrong yet and need to learn about the parents' opinion.

But expecially for older children who can already make the difference both punishments and rewards should be used with care. There are other methods to teach a child to do the right thing, for example giving them a good example, explaining to them why something is right or wrong, giving them reasons, helping them to empathize with others etc.. If you only reward them, they will do something for the reward, but they should learn to do the right thing out of their own conviction and develop a good character.

Answer 14

I say reward, because it influences optimism and promots good behavior.

Answer 15

You left out what we as parents should do-teach our children discipline, which does NOT go hand in hand with either of the things you asked about. It's about teaching your child day to day how to have self control and behave properly. This can include positive reinforcement, distraction, or flat out negative consequences that fit the innappropriate action-you have to guage it on the situation and the individual child...

I think we've lost sight of the purpose of discipline and so many parents are afraid because they just don't understand that it's NOT about always spanking, it's simply about teaching a child how to control him/herself and be a decent member of society. What's more, it's about teaching them how to be safe/healthy. Teaching your child to only take ONE cookie off of a full plate is teaching them discipline. Teaching them to WAIT their turn for something is teaching them discipline. Being a passive parent who ONLY uses positives is destructive. What's more, being iron fisted is equally destructive. Children need to learn that in life, there will be negative consequences for SOME actions, where as there is also plenty of GRACE when mistakes are made...

Parenting is a balancing act and we are bound to goof once in a while, but as long as we have TRUE love as our motivation, then we can't really go wrong.

Add: If a parent ONLY uses rewards, it teaches a child that there is no integrity in life. That EVERY time they do something well, they get a goodie at the end instead of learning just to take pride in themself for an accomplishment. Again, it's a balance.