Is it common for a mother-in-law to perceive herself as authority figure over the daugher-in-law?

Question

I am a grown adult and my mother-in-law refers to me as a girl. Sometimes if I ask her a question, she ignores me. She monopolizes every conversation. If I try to speak, she talks over me. She has no interest in me and only her son. I have heard that mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships are difficult but this is crazy.

Answer 1

It’s like the animal kingdom, like with wolves, where they get along because some have to submit to others…

I can say I have a good relationship with my mother-in-law because from day one, I submitted to her. It was easier for me because I lived in another country so I did not see her a lot and I did not have to submit too often!

My mother-in -law has three daughters-in-law and I’m the only one who gets along with her…because I submit. When I’m with her, my goal is to please her, serve her, forget about myself, ask her for advice. I’m like her maid and servant.

And when she’s wrong, I never say she is, even when she tries to do unbelievable things, like wanting my son to sleep in an unsafe crib from Taiwan with a plastic bag under the sheet!!! I understand, she’s from the age before child safety rules and regulations and I just do what I want to do and what I think is safe for my kids but I never contradict her. She accepts my final judgment because she knows I’m right even if nobody says so.

With anybody else, I’m the authority and I’m always right. So being with my mother-in-law is a nice change, so I have an idea on how I make other people feel and it’s nice to take a break sometimes, about being that person who’s supposed to know everything and is in control 24/7.

Answer 2

My mother-in-law wants everything to be about her, but she's not disrespectful the point that you're describing.  I think you need to have a serious talk with your mother-in-law and let her know that you won't tolerate her behavior towards you.  If she doesn't listen to you, then maybe you need to enlist your husband's help.

Answer 3

Oh boy..do you have a couple of hours? I got married at 18 and was treated like 18 in my 30's.  I suffered through that "my mom makes it better" thing when it came to cooking for the first two years too.  I was a necessary evil when it came to my monster in law.  Some women get very lucky and have a great friendship/daughter like relationship with theirs, but I found it best to avoid her as much as possible. Good luck and hang tough, ignore her for a change and remember, you sleep with him, not her.

Answer 4

Sounds like you have a valid reason to stay home next time your husband visits her. Talk with him about past experiences in a calm manner. Tell him that you are sorry but it isnt working so you will bow out gracefully and allow him to see her without you. ( if it comes up that she needs to come to YOUR place, explain that you are not ready to INVITE her but will do so when you are)

Answer 5

Just avoid her.  I don't know how common it is, but just stay away.

Answer 6

I believe your situation is more common than you might think.  Mothers always seem happy to have their daughters taken off their hands, but they always seem to regard a daughter-in-law as a thief.  I wish that there were some advice I could give you, but it believe that you may be stuck with this problem for some time to come.  Perhaps the only solution would be to move far enough away from her that she can't visit more than once a week or even less often

Answer 7

You need to confront her, possibly when your husband isn't around. Tell her how you feel; that you feel like she condescends to you and treats you inappropriately. Try to be calm, and don't let emotions run the conversation.