Is it considered unappreciative to ask for more than a Happy Birthday on your birthday?

Question

It was my birthday this past Friday and my parents took my fiance and I out to dinner for my birthday. My fiance said happy birthday to me at midnight, when normally he would say it that morning. That was it for my birthday. I asked him about it this morning and said it made me a little sad that it seemed to me that he felt my birthday was a non-event and it would have been nice to even get an e-card. Long story short, he said birthdays are meaningless, he thought my parents had already fulfilled my birthday needs, I didn't even appreciate that he said happy birthday at midnight instead of the morning, he just got me an engagement ring 8 months ago can't I show some appreciation, and 'sorry, but boohoo, get over it and move on'.

Now my question is, is it considered unreasonable to ask your fiance to want to do something special for you on your birthday, even if it's small, not just because it's expected to celebrate one's birthday but because he wants to do something for your his self?

On a side note, we are not tight on money, he grew up not really celebrating birthdays, but the past 5 years we've celebrated each other's bdays in small ways which I am now finding out he thinks is somewhat of a pain on his end.

He says I am an idealist and often live in a fairy tale world of how I would like things to be. While this is often true of myself, how out of line was I regarding my birthday?

Answer 1

And he is still your Fiance?  He sounds like a complete jerk!  My brother thinks Valentine's day is the dumbest holiday ever, but his wife don't, so guess what, yep, she gets flowers and a card! Marriage is about compromise, if he can't make a small deal out of your birthday because you like celebrating it, then he doesn't sound like he cares much about how you feel to me.

Answer 2

I completely understand you desire for your boyfriend to do something special for you on your birthday.  it seems like it is the right thing to do.  It is wrong for you to expect it or ask for it, though, because giving is giving, and giving shouldn't be asked for.  If he doesn't find you important enough to buy a small gift or something for your birthday now, maybe you should reconsider your plans with him.  It probably isn't going to get anything but worse.  

Answer 3

hi hi dear,

from what u said, i think none of you are really wrong...in his case, he's probably very used to a lifestyle like that ( growing up not having such celebrations)....& in your case, i dun think that your desire to have him do something special for you on your birthday is wrong too....

maybe u guys need to talk cos more often than not, it's the little things in life that matters most to us....& maybe you could illustrate to him that you dun need him to move a mountain to make u happy....

i face similar situation (thought context is different). my hubby is soo used to living by himself for the last 33 yrs that even after we got married, he still behaves like a single man....but even though we can't & shouldn't change our man but it doesn't mean we can't train them...

kambatte! u guys been together for 5 yrs....i'm sure u both can work this out together...despite the fact that he obviously dislikes birthday celebrations and think it is a pain on his end, he still has done it for 5 long years.....which i think means a great deal, isn't it....^_^

The guy loves u....men are just so dorky sometimes....hahaa...

Answer 4

My husband did that one day for mothers day and I was very upset.  You're birthday or mothers day (if you have kids) are those days of the year to celebrate the fact that you're here.  The people who love you should understand that.  Even if he didn't celebrate birthdays growing up he should still do something with you, because its your birthday and its important to you.  My birthday is Tuesday.  We had to cancel the party cause we are tight on money.  But we are still leaving the kids at our parents house and having a night just to ourselves next weekend.  

Answer 5

Your not an idealist, but you might be signing up for a miserable life with this guy.

How is he at Christmas?

How is he going to be with your possible future children on their birthday(s)? Is he going to make it a non-day just like yours?

Is he going to be a stick in the mud when it comes to having parties for them, or are you going to go by yourself to buy all the cards and presents, and just place his name on them to mask from your kids that he just doesn't care that it's their birthday?

Sounds like he's being incredibly insensitive to your feelings.

Explain that to him that you, and a lot of people do, see birthdays as a celebration of that person and their life.

For some people, they like to be made over, have parties thrown in their honor, and some people just don't mind to let the day pass as any other.

Let him know that your the type that doesn't need a big celebration, although it would be nice once in a while or on "landmark" birthdays, but that you do enjoy and would like some kind of acknowledgment that it is your birthday.

Something as simple as a card, or breakfast in bed (and you could be playful and tell him these small gestures could get him some rewards ;)) would go along way to making you feel special.

And most important, tell him it's not so much about the day it's self, it's more about you feeling wanted, thought of, and appreciated by him. Remembering someone's birthday, and getting them a little something, says "I'm thinking of you" and that's what you really want in the end.

Of course that shouldn't happen on just one day of the year, but it should happen on your birthday of all days!

*sigh* I feel your pain tho. I'm a Christmas baby. My birthday is always over shadowed by it.

Answer 6

You should not have to ask for a birthday remembrance. And the fact he told you live in fantasy world and that he thought telling you happy birthday was enough. He is sending you a very clear message.  You and your feelings are not important to him. He is not going to change,if he is already doing this before you are married, he will continue after. Might I suggest you seriously rethink your relationship, with the possibility of dumping him. If he doesn't think you are important enough for even a card, he is using you to meet his own needs. Before you say "I do" to him or any man, be sure he appreciates you and really cares about your feelings. Marriage takes two people to make it work and this man is just looking for someone to meet his needs.

Answer 7

Maybe your just now learning that he is not exactly right for you.  I would be upset and wouldn't want to be treated like that.  Sounds like he's up to something else or mad at you about something.

Answer 8

Maybe you don't want to hear this but this is a major red flag. Do not get married to this man. You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment. Now that he proposed he has already started to show his true colors. He could care less about things that are important to you. How will he be with your children's birthdays? Non event? Or will he just suffer through them? Very sad. You need to be on the same page about the "important" stuff. If birthdays are important to you and not to him it will always be a source of frustration and arguments. Communicate now, not after you are married. Because I guarantee when your milestone birthday or anniversary comes up and he does nothing you will not forgive him. You will always be wanting more and he will always be resisting.  

Answer 9

You two need to get on the same page. Sit down and discuss how you will celebrate birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and Anniversaries, along with how will the finances be dealt with, do you both want children, where will you live...and do this BEFORE you get married!!

If you find that you two are very far apart on how your lives will be, then it's compromise or move on.

Don't sit and "expect" anything, find out now then you'll KNOW what's going to happen.

Answer 10

NO, It is not unreasonable to want someone to do something special for you. But you must remember it is ONLY special (at least to me) if they want to do it for you. Asking for it takes away the specialness.

You must have known that he is not the type to celebration birthdays. If you do not like the way he looks at things I suggest you get out of this relationship and find a guy that will make you feel special.

I want to feel special just like you. Moreso we women want to feel loved and celebrated but we can't force people to do that.

Thats a clue that you should not get married to this man.

Answer 11

I can see where he's coming from.  As a veteran of two conflicts, being deployed did something to me.  Holidays and birthdays flowed together as just another day of the week.  They lost meaning because there wasn't any time to celebrate.  Even now, holidays and birthdays mean very little to me.  It's another day that I've survived through and nothing more.  Perhaps you should talk to him a little more and find out how his reaons.  Maybe you can find a way to help him bring that magic back to holidays and birthdays.  God knows I wish I could find it...

Answer 12

Just because he grew up not celebrating birthdays doesn't mean it's any less special to you. He could've at least been a little more considerate about it. He did acknowledge it and maybe he thought that was enough.