Is it disrespectful to search or have a relationship with your b-family?

Question

There was a question and answer that got me to wondering. I feel that it isn't disrespectful. I had the complete support of both my adoptive parents when I searched for my b-mom. In fact they encouraged it. I still call and write my b-grandma. I know of the life-style my b-mom lead, so i didn't search to find out about some day dream ideal of her. I already knew her life-style. However i did search because i wanted to know some answers that only she could answer. Anyway i want to know if other adoptees feel this conflict of loyalty with their adoptive parents and not wanting to disrespect them? Since i had the support of my a-parents i was not conflicted. thanks for all your respectful answers. =)

peace,

healing

Answer 1

It's not disrespectful at all.  I hope to be able to raise my son to know that when he is ready, we will help him find his first mother.

Answer 2

I noticed that in a question also.

I don't think many AP's realise how much stress adoptees place on themselves over this issue - let alone what they really think.

I know my a-mum was very insecure about my knowing about my first family. She told me a few things - but when I wanted to know more - she told me it upset her - and I knew never to ask again. (I was a child - but she made it about her)

She sadly died when I was 18. Apart from those issues - we were very close.

I didn't start searching until I was 26 - and pregnant with my first child.

But I still felt enormous guilt toward my a-mums memory.

I just wanted to know about where I had come from - what my story was. I felt I needed that to complete the picture of 'me'.

I finally found my first family at age 35 - and I'm still slowly finding out new things regularly.

My search meant NOTHING about my love for my adoptive family.

Adoptees should be allowed to know and love all of their families. They have big hearts - they are capable of loving many - in most cases. (or at least be allowed to make decisions for themselves on this issue - especially when they are adults)

If AP's have a problem with it - they need to deal with their own issues and insecurities - and realise that that is about THEM - and for THEM to deal with.

Projecting even more guilt on the adoptee is completely unfair.

Adoptees don't ask for separation from first family or adoption to the new family. They have no say.

Allow them the choice of knowing - if they so wish.

Answer 3

I was conflicted, actually.  I felt (and feel) a great deal of loyalty to my adoptive parents.  They are good people who did their best for me.  I knew I had to search, but I desperately didn't want to hurt them, and I was afraid that I would.

My adoptive mom, however, was very supportive and even excited for me.  (I think she may have been more excited than I was.)  My adoptive dad completely understood (he's not as emotional a person as my a-mom).  I knew that my search had nothing to do with them, but it helped me a lot that they knew it, too.

I didn't know what I would find when I started.  I have since found a lovely first family, in addition to my adoptive family.  I suppose it's still weird at times, and we're all figuring it out, but I feel pretty happy to have all these wonderful people in my life now.

Answer 4

I haven't read the other responses yet, but NO I don't think it's disrespectful. I admit I searched with the full support and encouragement of my mom and dad.  I think I have said before that my mom was ready to search before I was, and kind of encouraged (at the time I would have said nagged!) me into looking because she was so excited to know the woman who had given birth to me, so I didn't have to overcome any objections or lack of support. However, objections or lack of support wouldn't make it disrespectful. I believe (for me) that if you want to search, you should search. If your biological family doesn't want a relationship, then I guess you should attempt to respect that (again, I am lucky. My bmom and I a friends, and she is in fact great friends with my amom).

I guess I do think, if you are close with your family, you should tell them that you are intending to search, but that's a personal thing. I have the kind of family where we all talk before big decisions - moving cross-country, taking a new job, etc) but that's us.

Answer 5

I don't think it's disrespectful! as a perspective AP I would encourage my child if they wanted to find their birth family, I would help where I could and personally I would probably want to meet them aswell. Like you said they have answers to questions only they can answer.

Answer 6

nope not disrespectful at all. its human curiosity. just make sure you dont leave your a family out of it else then they might not be so happy.

Answer 7

No, I don't think it is disrespectful to search or have a relationship.

My mom had the full support of my grandmother when she searched for her b-family.

When my child(ren) are ready to search they will have my full support.

Answer 8

I think it is OK to look for your birth parents once you are 18 and old enough to make that decision and be able to put your mind around the circumstances.  The only think that I think would be disrespectful is if you pushed your adoptive parents aside to then form a closer relationship with your birth parents.  Your adoptive parents have been the ones to sacrifice and be there for you for all these years and some birth parents try to swoop in and be your savior.  They try to be the fun one with no rules or boundaries.  I had a foster child who went back to her birth mother at 18 and got swept up in that kind of lifestyle and she started sleeping with guys and trying to get pregnant just so she could live off the state and get more money.  She spiraled downwards fast.  Just be careful to really know what kind of person you are now and set boundaries that you will not break.  Do not get caught up in the destructive behavior that some birth parents are know to have.  Not all of them at like this but if you have not met your birth parents yet...then just be prepared going into it.

Answer 9

No it is not disrespectful at all.  If i were adopted i would want to know too.  Why not have both adoptive family and first family?

Answer 10

It's not disrespectful, it's perfectly natural.

I think it's the people who are most insecure and fearful of 'losing' their adoptive family or their adoptive family rejecting or criticizing them that are the least likely to search, to search in secret or wait until their parents are deceased to search

Adoptees who are secure enough with their relationship with their adoptive families are the most likely to search, with the knowledge that they have their support and that searching is perfectly natural thing to do

I saw in answer to a question here from a mother of 5 adoptees recently that an adoptee 'must be unhappy to want to search'   I found this quite shocking, to be honest.   That is a really old fashioned and out of date attitude, you know, that if an adoptive parent did a good job the adoptee will not search!  So wrong.  So innacurate!  Those poor kids are probably too frightened to search even if they want to, searching in secret because of this attitude or waiting 'til she's gone . . .

Answer 11

It is the not knowing. How they will react, it was bad for me.

Hiding birthday cards when they visit, xmas cards presents etc. A pathetic show for narrow minded short sighted ones.

Answer 12

I don't think it's disrespectful to search, no. You want to know where you came from! She could give you alot of insight into yourself (your health, your appearance, your future, etc).

But just remember where you came from and who's taken care of you all these years. your adoptive parents are the ones who deserve your loyalty and love.

Aww, so many thumbs down. You're all so narrow minded and ignorant on Yahoo answers. Guess its true it's just a bunch of kids on here ;)

Answer 13

No, not at all.  It's a normal feeling to wonder about your previous family and about your full history.

It has absolutely nothing to do with your relationship with your adoptive parents.  Reuniting with my first family was never about replacing my adoptive family.  I really don't know why some people think that way.  I noticed a question here quite recently that sounded like it included a suggestion that if a person is happy with his/her adoptive parents than there would be no reason to find his/her first parents.

Adopted people are quite well adjusted in such a way as to be more than capable of dealing with the complexities of adoption.  This includes the ability to have a good relationship with adoptive parents while also contacting, and possibly having a relationship with, first parents.  They are two entirely different relationships which do not intrude upon one another for the adopted person.

Answer 14

Im adopted and Keep very much in touch with my Birth mother not my Birth father because i dont know him. I even talk to my "real" brothers and sisters. I think that it is wonderful to keep in touch with them.