Is it easy to "get on with your life" after relinquishing a child?

Question

Is it easy to "get on with your life" after relinquishing a child?

Answer 1

I would think it would be emotionally painful and the pain will linger for years.

Answer 2

I have not given up a child, but I have two, and I know it would be the hardest thing I would ever do.  It would destroy my life, and I would probably kill myself (no joke).

Answer 3

Every one grieves differently. Some will take years to come to terms with their decision. Others will take a relatively short period of time. Getting on with your life is probably not the best term. It should be accepting your life for what it now is. Adoption is a very emotional choice and should be made with the upmost consideration and care for all involved. If you chose to place a child and then change your mind you’ve broken the hearts and crushed the dreams of a couple who’ve fallen in love with the child. However you have to make sure this is a decision you can live with too. There are all degrees of open adoptions and if you decide that adoption is the right way for you. You should be sure to find adoptive parents who are willing to meet your needs as a “Birth-Parent”. Maybe you want visitation and for the child to know who you are so they don’t feel like you didn’t want them. Make sure you state that clearly and have it drawn up in a legal contract so that your rights aren’t forgotten as time passes on.

The bottom line is while they are gaining a dream,  you are losing a love. Every one moves through life different paces. Some take years others will take a life time.  Some walk away unscathed. It is never EASY.

Answer 4

The suicide rate of birthmothers within 10 years of relinquishment is 20% higher than the average population. I'd say that is a resounding no.  Don't know the statistics on depression, but amongst the small group of 4 other first moms that I know, most of us suffered lifetime depression.  I'm sure there are some women who could just walk away (look at all the men who do without a second thought), but a lot are not in that spot.

Answer 5

No it's not easy at all.

Answer 6

IT depends what a person would consier "getting on with one's life" I think if it were me, (and for most) life would never be the same. Geez,  i was 14 weeks along with my last loss and it's been 5 years and i'm still not the same or ever will be. It had a lasting impression. So I guess losing a child after birth (to adoption) would weigh heave on a persons heart forever. Someone could try to go back to "Normal" but the streach marks are always a reminder.

Answer 7

I have never gave up a child but my son's ex seems to be doing alright. He has fought for over 2 years and has visitation rights for right now and takes pictures ever month and ask if she wants to see them and her answer is no. But that is her choice. When in time she decices to see him or what to know about him my son will be there to help both of them through it.

Answer 8

I don't know if I would say I got on with my life. I have two more children a great job, a home, a cat, a little brown picket fence... all the things I "should" have at 30 minus the ball and chain. LOL.

I think about my son everyday. I loose myself in tears at least once a month, often more. I scan the face of every teenage boy who crosses my path. I wonder who he looks like now, does he act like me? Did he need braces? Glasses? Has his asthma improved? Does he ever miss me?

No I haven't gotten on with my life. I have made a new one but will always long for the one I lost, my life with my son.

Answer 9

depends on your bond with the child. Some people can do it without a second thought, most people will always have it in the back of their mind of how things might have been different

Answer 10

i am currently 5 months pregnant and i have 3 sons already so knew this was something i needed to do. i know i should have been more careful but i have also come to terms with my decision.  and know it will be the best thing for her. i plan on an open adoption and will be able to see my child grow up. yes at first it will be in pictures but in the end i will be able to see her and just be around.  i know it will not be easy at first but it would be harder to know i cant give her what she might need now and in the future. but that another loving couple can provide her with the things and support i can not.

Answer 11

I am an adoptee with a very close relationship with my natural dad.  He recently said to me that he spent 35 years wondering, "What did I do?" after relinquishing me.  Upon our reunion, he told his wife, my husband and me that it didn't matter what happened after this, because he finally got his daughter back.  I also know he carried guilt because he spent the first 15 minutes of our reunion with his arms around me, sobbing and repeating, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry."  So, no I wouldn't say it's easy or that one "gets on with" one's life in the same way a person usually goes about one's life.

Answer 12

I have a life...a great one.  I don't think of him every day...but I think of him every few months.  It was 21 years ago this month that he was born.  Yeah, its hard.  Never, ever assume its easy...or that any of us "got on with our lives". some of us made new lives, that's all.

Answer 13

As an adoptive mother, I cannot imagine the pain of having to relinquish my (adopted) son, so I can only imagine the pain that must be associated with relinquishing a biological child.  However, I think for some bio parents it is easier than for others.  Our son's bio parents were somehow able to just walk away from him completely and then another daughter less than a year later.  It still amazes me that anyone could do that, but I guess I'll never understand their reasoning or their lack of interest.  

My heart bleeds for all bio parents and bio families out there that do live with this heart wrenching decision and sacrifice on a daily basis.

Answer 14

The answer for me is no, but how to explain it to anyone who has never experienced losing a child is not something that can be done in just a few paragraphs.

First, to those who wonder how their adopted child's natural parent(s) can walk away and wish for no contact "so easily" – I want you to understand that there are many deep undercurrents of emotions that are never dealt with: 1) the inner emotions of the mother (loss/grief, the ties with her child, father of her child, her family) 2) the extended natural family (pretending it didn't happen, anger that it did happen, etc.) 3) the outward message(s) from society/adoption agency/social workers (adoption is wonderful).

How does a woman so susceptible to grief deal with her own emotions AND those of everyone around her especially when those around her are often older, more experienced in life? Often her emotions are not dealt with, rather they become a form of denial.

I recently asked a question of women who relinquished whether or not they got counseling - most did not. For those who did???? Who was counseling them and what were they being told - the same old story to go on with your life and leave their child alone with his/her new aparents? I don't know, I never got any counseling pre-birth or post relinquishment.

So what did I do when no one talked to me about possibly the biggest event of my life, the birth of my first child, and 3 days later the loss of my first (and who was to be my only) child? I did what every one around me SHOWED me to do - I didn't talk about it, I didn't acknowledge either the beauty of my son's birth, or the grief of losing him. I acted like all of the adults around me, I acted like none of it happened.

Denial is a strong form of self-preservation, and when denial is being practiced by all those around you it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and a vicious cycle; nobody talked to me about birth/relinquishment, and in turn, I never talked to anyone about my son or his relinquishment. At that age, I really needed someone to reach out to me and help me deal with these issues (or better yet, help me with a family preservation plan). Basically that didn't happen, so I just tried to bury my feelings about it because I thought I would be viewed as the “bad guy” for "complaining" about “my decision”.

Whether or not anyone can “walk away” from such a mess of emotions that are never addressed is a good question. It is not so much that I walked away (although I didn’t think I had a right to “interfere” with my son’s life after I signed the papers relinquishing my rights) as that I really tried to forget the experience because it was so painful. Was I successful in “forgetting?” Not really. Did I become a different person than who I would have become had I raised my son? Absolutely. I don’t know who I would have been had I raised my child, but I would be a different person. I have suffered a loss of self-esteem, depression, self doubt: whoever I am now, I am a different person after having lost my child.

I don’t know, what young girl ever grows up thinking about how wonderful it would be to have a baby and to “give that baby away?” This was never a dream of mine; it was a nightmare I never realized was out there waiting for me, and my son.

Answer 15

no its not. my x has the kids and she dosent want me to see them. it hurts really bad and while this is going on shes telling me i dont care about my childeren and shes going for full custody and child support and leaving me in the dust. life sucks