Is it ever okay to hit? Advising my son on protecting himself from a bully...?

Question

I have two sons and over the weekend, while visiting grandparents, my seven year old had a run-in with a bully at the McDonalds playground. According to my Mom my son walked away with red marks and scratches on his neck from where the bully was trying to choke him, as well as a bump on the head from being pushed into a wall. After saying "get off me" multiple times my son finally tried to push the boy away, but the bully came after him again. My Mom finally had to intervene. The boy continued to harass my son while in the play area until my Mom approached the adult with him (a babysitter who apologized and immediately made the child apologize and leave).

My son is getting ready to start 2nd grade and I'm fearful of how he'll stand up to any potential bullying at school. Is it ever okay for him to hit back? If words aren't working, how far should I advise my son to go to protect himself? We've always told him that it's not okay to hit, so if we allow it as protection what sort of ground rules do way lay?

Answer 1

It's okay to hit back because he won't be attacking an innocent, but protecting himself from an attacker. It's self defense, not aggression. As long as he understands the difference, this is absolutely legitimate.  

Answer 2

Invoke the law of self defense.

Answer 3

I have always been told that hitting someone was wrong but that if someone hits you first that your priority is to protect yourself, if that means hitting, then so be it. I always believed that if u dont hit a bully back they won't get the point

Answer 4

Both legally and, I think, ethically, it's important for your son to know that it's not right to throw the first punch, but when someone is trying to hurt him, it's not only ok, but natural and right for him to hit in self defense.  I have three sons, ages 19, 15 and 12.  They're all aware that if they throw the first punch in an altercation, they are in BIG trouble, as it were (both legally, and with Dad), but none would hesitate for a half second to throw the second punch.  My girls (17 and 10) are taught the same.  

The ground rules are simple.  Words are just words, and no amount of verbal provocation is sufficient to excuse punching someone.  However, if someone decides to hit them, they are encouraged to do what's necessary to protect themselves.  Once their attacker is on the ground, they are never to strike them, unless they get up and come for them again.  I was a Marine, and I taught all of my kids to fight effectively, and so far, they've come out relatively unharmed in the few scuffles they've had with other kids around school or in the neighborhood.

I know they world's changed a lot since we were kids, but honestly, we all have the right to defend ourselves.  "Come at me with bare hands, I'll lay you out.  Come at me with a weapon, and I'll lay you on a slab."  

One more word.  I would have asked the babysitter for the bully's parent's phone number, and called them the following day.  If a child is that violent that young, chances are good he needs some help.  I would talk to the bully's parents, and express my concern over their child's obvious anti-social and violent behaviors.

Answer 5

If this is a private school he is going to, he stands a better chance of safety, however a public school has it's fears.

Private School: During a fight, depending on the school's rules, most likely the kid who gave the punch will get either a suspension or an expulsion. Possibly the kid that fought back may get in trouble too. Most private schools recommend getting to a teacher instead of fight.'

Public: Punching may not even do much but a detention to one that started, depening on school's discepline.

If a bully EVER does do something as horrid as he did before, I would recommend fighting back while calling for help.

Self defense, self defense.

Answer 6

My Mum always taught me that hitting others was wrong. But she did tell me that I had to stand up for myself and if that meant hitting in defence then it was alright. I think it's up to you what you do with your son, it's hard because with everything going on you never know what to expect.

I'd say you teach him to try walking away and telling someone before doing anything else.

Answer 7

All I can say.... Advise him to avoid the bully if at all possible.

I agree with the other respondent:  There's nothing wrong with self defense!

Answer 8

I've taught my son, who is 12, to not hit anyone while he's in school.

When off of school property, there are very few rules but one rule stands out above all the others:

I've taught him that if anyone hits you, hit them back HARDER.  Do not start the fight, i.e. picking on another child, bullying them, harassing them and whatnot.  But man, if someone hits my child, basically, they better be ready to brawl.

His father has talked to him about this as well.

Oh, and he is to never, and I mean NEVER hit a girl.  I've taught my son that even if she's coming after you with a knife, you RUN.  By all means, if ever possible, please do not ever strike a girl.  EVER.

But as far as boys, yeah, if they hit him, he is to hit them back harder.  And it seems to be working just fine.

Living in a tough city has been hard for him.  But like most kids, he's found his way as far as good friends and finding ways of dealing with kids that think they are gangsta.

Bottom line is there are always going to be bullies.  You son is still so small that it would be fine for him to go to his teacher if another kid was picking on him, or hit him.  But it's when your son gets older that 'snitching' could become a big problem.  He's just going to have to find another way to deal with a bully.

And the way to deal with a bully is beating them down.  Trust me, once they've gotten a good a$$ wooping, the bully will find someone else to pick on.

I honestly don't mean to horrify you.  But sometimes you gotta put on those boxing gloves to get problems resolved.  Especially being a boy.

Answer 9

I'm of two minds about this. While certainly you want your son to protect himself, sometimes if he hits it will only escalate the violence. It's better to teach your son how to carry himself so he will be less likely to be picked as a victim. Also, most schools now have anti-bullying programs in place. Contact the school and ask about their policy. If you already know who his teacher will be, see if you can set up a meeting between the three of you so she can reassure your son what will happen if there is a bully. Good luck.

Answer 10

Bullies always pick on the weak. It applies in kindergarten. It applies to adults. It applies to nations. Bullies are basically cowards.

3 of my girls earned their black belts and an amazing thing happened. They've never had to use their skills in the real world. Lack of confidence attracts bullies by making a child appear weak. The confidence my girls learned is like an invisible sign to bullies that says, Mess with me and everyone will see you for the coward you really are.

I believe in self defense as a last resort and have always taught my children that but the schools sure make it difficult. Sure, self defense is OK for adults but at school it's zero tolerance even if you're the victim. Not fair. Self confidence (with the means to back it up if necessary) is better than self defense and doesn't get you into trouble.

Answer 11

No. You don't solve violence with violence. If there is a child picking on your son, he needs to tell the teacher right away. The teacher should then discipline the bully.

Being a mother of a son who went through this, I promise you if your son hits the kid back, even in self defense he can get in trouble, and even suspended.

Teach him when it is appropriate to tell the teacher, and if that child is a continuous problem they will remove him from class/school/childcare.