Is it ever possible to fill the hollowness that comes with being an adoptee?

Question

How do adoptees deal with this?

Answer 1

Why not be happy that a woman made the choice to give you up to a family rather that aborting you?

Why must everyone be a victim? Take charge of your own happiness now or spend your life feeling "hollow" and sad.

What a waste of time!

Answer 2

I don't think so.

You can try, with people in your life that make you happy.  But in the we're still children who were given up and that's something that can't ever be changed.

Answer 3

Sometimes yes, but mostly no. Some do get to meet their birth parents and family and it helps. But then others meet and wish they hadn't. I meet mine and the only good thing that came from it was meeting my husband. I did finally realize how lucky I had been in getting the adoptive parents I had because my bio family is full of liars and manipulative people who are only in life for themselves with no morals. I was young and dont remember them, thank god. But if you were older, I think it must be alot harder. But I still feel that empty. Thankfully, I think, having kids of my own has helped.

Answer 4

I'm sorry you feel this way. Did your parents love you? (I mean your adopted parents.) Sometimes I feel that way about my mother who is also my birth mother. I wasn't adopted, but I don't feel as though she was very glad she had me because I didn't turn out the way she expected me to (wealthy). So understand that the grass isn't always greener... Parents aren't perfect, but yours loved you enough to adopt you. :)

Answer 5

I think its possible to learn to live with it, to feel okay with yourself and to grow stronger as a human being who has survived the greatest loss that all of us, who have been adopted, or just lost a mother have endured.

I"m sorry you're aching, i ache too, and it never does any good for the selfish, senseless bigots who say to take control of your life, as if its your fault.

No, clearly she knows nothing about adoptee or orphan related issues.

It makes me feel better when I find valdiation from other adoptees, therapy helps me, activism and working twords an ethical approach to caring for infants and children who NEED to be cared for, makes me feel better.

Eliminating the unjust, unethical, unecessary separations makes me feel great.

good luck to yourself www.adultadoptees.org

Answer 6

It's very sad to me that you feel that way about your adoption. I think most adoptees with empty/hollow feelings is because they don't know the circumstances of their adoption.

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All adoption circumstances are different. But most adoptees are given up for adoption by a birth mother because she was too young, etc.

You should never feel like you were given away. Most birth moms have a very difficult time with their decision to adopt but know in their heart it is a better choice for the child.

Think of your adoption as just another way to be a part of a family. If you haven't already, perhaps finding your birth mother would help.

My daughter has known, and occasionally visits, her birth mother from birth. I do think she would have some empty or hollow feelings if she had never met her. We have no unanswered questions. My daughter is very proud of her adoption and understands it. Adoption is normal to her.

So I think understanding your adoption circumstances is key.

Answer 7

I have filled some of it by finding my natural family and thus finally having a connection to MY roots - finally seeing some genetic mirroring - finally getting answers to my origins - finally having answers to my medical background and finally being able to wrap my arms around my mother, father, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces......

But it doesn't fill the hole that was produced by all the lost years of this - it just helps from here on out.

I deal by talking about it, by reaching out to others who feel it, by giving and getting support by and for those who understand.

Answer 8

know that you are not alone, sweetie.  There are lots of us out here that feel the exact same way and there are an equal amount of people out there with their own agendas who are heavily invested in denying your truth.

Follow your heart, be true to yourself and join the support groups of people who 'get it'  

And read, read read.  Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier could be a good place to start to understand yourself

Hugs to you

Answer 9

Maybe not entirely ...but my adopted friend puts a big focus on having a tight group of friends who she calls at any old time. She hates Christmas the most but makes sure she's not alone which is great for our friends that don't get on with their families or live too far away

Another friend I had at college found out she was adopted at 19 which is pretty late. She didn't find her birth mother for a year or 2 and in the mean time she created a fantasy perfect mother and even drew what she might look like...it started to consume her. When they met, her birth mother was so different to her idea that she was really devastated. She found she had 7 siblings all by different dads and the mother was living a hopeless life. In the end she decided she wasn't like her adopted family and she wasn't like her birth mother ...she's like herself and no one else ...unique

I suspect that you are unique too. You might not be that last missing piece in a jigsaw puzzle but you could be the corner piece that anchors the puzzle that's just beginning.

Good luck to you

I hope you find some peace (c;

Answer 10

Well, i was adopted and I haven't really ever felt "hollow". So I guess I don't really understand your question. But maybe once you are grown and have your very own family, children that actually came from you, then maybe you won't feel that "hollowness" any more. I know that once I had my own family I seemed "more complete" but I never really felt incomplete before. Good Luck!

Answer 11

many never fill the hollowness and unless they find thier birth family and they accept you it will always be messed up

Answer 12

I was adopted as an infant  and I always knew I was adopted.  I never felt hollow..never really gave it much thought until I found my birth mother a couple of weeks ago...now it is all I can think about.  I am 32 yrs old and couldnt have cared less all 32 of those years, but now  it's like I am obsessed about getting to know her.  I think maybe it has to do with your self esteem and self worth whether or not you are "hollow" feeling.  I have 2 cousins that are adopted and one of them feels like I do but the other had a void they kept trying to fill...with drugs, alcohol, stuff like that.  I hope you find peace with your situation.

Answer 13

I don't know your situation, obviously, but I am a birth mother.

I had a baby two years ago (at 18) and placed her with a family that I chose through an agency. I chose her family, I met them...I basically picked the greatest people for her.

I gave her up not because I didn't want her. I wanted her more than I ever wanted anything. I thought I would die from how much it hurt me to give her up. I "gave her up" because I wanted her to have a better life than I could have given her. My parents weren't supportive of me and I was in a very bad situation and I was fresh out of high school.

So if you have a stigma about being unwanted, I wouldn't. Because most likely, you were wanted by your birth mother. And in any case, the people who adopted you obviously wanted you.

Answer 14

you know... thats a really good question. my boyfriend was adopted from Romania when he was 2, and to this day (he's almost 19) he still feels like there is something missing, like he doesn't know much about it, and really doesn't like to talk about his mother.

Answer 15

Oh Orphan Daughter, I really don't know.  

It's so hard, when you are expected to be all grateful and feel so lucky to be adopted, but the truth is, no matter how good and loving of an adoptive family you have, some of us just have that hollowness within from being given away from our very mothers.

It sucks.

I deal with my pain day-by-day, I try to focus on what's good in my life...my kids, my husband, the things I enjoy.  When I'm down, I accept those feelings and go with them, because to "stuff" everything is not healthy.  You have to also allow yourself to grieve.

Because I think that's a lot of if, it's unresolved grief from losing our mothers, our families, our original identities...grief that society does not allow us to process.

I found a group of other adoptees on internet forums, and together we created an adult adoptees support forum...  www.adultadoptees.org/forum/index.php

There are lots of us there, we all feel differently about our adoptions but the main point of the site is to SUPPORT one another through everything.

I invite you to check us out; sometimes even just having people who understand is a big help.  I hope to see you there... I hate that you, that any of us, has to feel this way.

(((Hugs))) to you.