Is it good for one parent to be tough and the other one to be a softy?

Question

My husband is definitely the disciplanarian in our house. I guess I am the sofy. My children know they can get away with a little more with me than they do with him. My husband and I do not argue over discipline style. I am glad he is the tough one, becasue I think children need it. I can do the timeouts and things, but when they deserve a spanking my husband has to do that. I just can't do it. I'm not against it at all, becasue I have seen the results and it works. The only problem is, sometimes my children don't get immediate discipline. They are waiting for my husband to get home from work. I know this can be bad. Like the other day my daughter told a big lie to me and her grandmother. My husband and I agree that a lie equals a spanking. So, I waited on him to get home to give it to her. Was this wrong? Does it make children favor one parent over the other? Should I toughen up and be a better disciplanarian?

Answer 1

It was like this in my household at first, I have always been the disciplinarian and my husband was the softly. Every time I would punish our daughter she would run to daddy and he would baby here. That lasted for about 3 or 4 months before I got tired of it and yelled at my husband about it. Then he finally stopped babying her after I punished her, but then he was still the softy. After about another 3 or 4 months he started to get more into the punishing and things. He now spanks her and all the other stuff.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is I believe both parents need to be the disciplinarian not one or the other. Your kid catches on to that very quickly and they run to the one they know they can get away with things.

Answer 2

i think it does make them favor one over the other alot

Answer 3

I must tell you that being a mom doesn't mean that you should go that smooth with your children always. there should also be a time to discipline them.

I watched a certain movie, which is very similar to your story:

the mother always tolerates her children's mistakes and lets the father do all the "disciplining". One day, her children doesn't respect and obey her anymore and also favors their father more than her, and the cause of that is because the children didn't experience their mother's discipline.

but that doesn't mean you should heartlessly discipline them or  even brutal actions. you just show them how you love them by teaching them the good and the right things.

Answer 4

I think that it does have a child favor one parent over the other. You probably should spank yourself, if you really want to punish them and get a reaction then you should spank them the next time. They will then learn that its not a waiting game. You are serious.

Answer 5

Yes, i think it was wrong of you to do that.  Children live in the now not when daddy comes home.  Also i do believe that children will end up favoring one parent over the other, and your kids are looking at dad like he's the bad guy.  I just think that if she deserves a spanking that whoever is with her at the time should do it.

Answer 6

Well, I think having a parent that is gentle is a good thing for the kids. I agree that this waiting for Daddy to get home is bad. It makes Dad a source of anxiety and as you can see, gets you no respect. Why not try taking away a toy or preventing the child form doing something when they tell a lie. "You can't ride your bike, have ice cream tonight, etc..." I find my son never reacted to a swat on the bum - though I do think spanking - when done properly (not enough to hurt or with anger - a swat on the bum basically) is OK sometimes. I don't think spanking for a lie is that effective. A spank should be when the child has done something gravely dangerous (playing with stove for example - then startling them with a spank is a good way to get across the danger aspect). I was spanked...until one day I knew I was going to get one and I put a book down the back of my pants (hah! I actually thought I pulled a fast one on them! They let me think I had and then realized I wasn't going to stop the behaviour through spanking).  You have to really follow through - if you say "Sally no ice cream tonight" - you really have to not give her any - she will see that being bad prevents her from getting what she wants - not that it gets her a temporary spanking.

Answer 7

This REALLY isn't a good thing to have in your home and you will see the results of it as your kids get older.

The thing with having one parent being a "softy" and the other being the "tough guy" is that the kids learn to play you. They figure out who they can run to, what they can get away with concerning each parent, who they should go to when they want to X etc. This leads them to not only favor one parent over another, but figure out that they can "walk over" what one parent says.

Parents are suppose to be a team. Not only should you agree on similar parenting styles, but the consequences should be in forced by BOTH OF YOU. If your daughter lied to you at 1pm, her punishment/consequence should have been given at 1pm...not at 6pm when her father got home. Bad action=consequence. Cause and effect, one right after the other so the effect MEANS something. Bad action......wait.....consquence,  isn't as effective, especially for younger children. They put one and one together. Also from this situation she learns that her father is the "head honcho" when it comes to discipline and that shouldn't be.

You should definitely take one step foward so that your children respect and listen to both of you equally. While it may not seem like that big of a problem now, it'll turn into a huge one once your children reach the pre-teen-teenager stage! Decide on what should be done for certain actions and both of you should stick to it.

Best Wishes =]

Answer 8

I think both parents need to be a team and be both to the children.

There is no need for the Bad one and Nice one in Parenting. Children grow up despising the Mean one.

Answer 9

When I was a kid it was nice to have one of each because if you didn't have your way with one you went to the other.

But in reality thats not a good thing. It causes fights and disagreements between the parents. Both parents should have the same idea on discipline or the child will get the wrong idea and one parent will always look like the bad guy.

Answer 10

It would be bad if it lead to inconsistency regarding discipline, values, etc. How can the children respect both of you when they know they can get away with things when dealing with mom, but not with dad? The result is friction between the parents, and the children end up manipulating the parents to get their way.

Parents need to be united when it comes to raising children, but that doesn't mean you need to be clonese of each other when interacting with your children.

Answer 11

For the lying issue - IF you addressed the lie when it happened ('You know that was wrong, go sit in your room. Daddy will be home later for you to tell him what you did') then the kid knows immediately that they did wrong, and it's not a shock that Daddy will be spanking them later.

For the tough vs. softy parenting styles - I think it's fine if the two of you balance each other out and you don't go behind his back and allow them to do stuff that you know he wouldn't allow. It's okay for the two of you to have roles and for him to be the disciplinarian. But make sure that he also spends time with the kids and gives them love and affection so he is not just seen as 'mean'.

And if it is working for the two of you, then of course it's fine!

Answer 12

No, you should both be on equal bases when it comes to discipline.  Otherwise they will end up remembering dad as being a jerk and mom wasn't so bad.  It's not good for kids to have unequal parents.  Both parents should discipline equally.  Otherwise it creates confusion and resentment towards the disciplinarian.