Is it horrible?

Question

Ok so I am not going to tell you my age because that will efffect the answers you give me so i am not going to say that... Well i am 21 weeks and well i have chosen a nice couple whom i know can handle a child to give my baby girl to. I have an ultra on the 20th and i have invited the wife along to see her. Well recently i have been thinking that i want to keep my baby. i even have a great name for her (Zina) but i dont know how to tell the family i want to keep her. or if i even really what to keep her. Is it horrible to do to the couple. I mean there are other families to choose from arn't there i mean i'm not their last hope.

Answer 1

When you have the child, if you want to keep it.  Do.  Do not worrrry about other peoples opinions or hurting their feelings.  You do not want to regret this for the rest of your life.

You will know when you have it what you want.  Try to be very very sure.

Good luck, I know this is an extremely hard decision for you.

Answer 2

I was a young Mom too and I thought I wasn't ready. I had everything prepared to give my daughter up. When the day came, I had her and they were going to take her out of the room to the adopting couple. Instead, I asked to see her because I wanted to see what I gave birth too at least.

Turns out, I had kept her. It wasn't a big deal. Sure the couple was disappointed, but as the birth mother you and the birth father have first rights to that baby. They'll get another baby.

Answer 3

I'm pro-abortion but it looks like it is a little too late for that option.

Alas, you really only have one choice now: keep your child.

You don't owe those people anything.

You owe your child everything. Think about it.

And Zina is a nice name. Good luck!

Answer 4

It seems a bit selfish, IF you aren't going to be able to take care of the baby. With that couple, the baby would grow up with a happy family. Do you want to take that away from them? PS. The name Zina kind of sucks. Like Zena, warrior princess. EDIT: Sorry I didnt know the name was after your grandmother, I didnt mean to be disrespectful. It's just that because you didnt want to say your age I assumed you were a teen and they always choose crappy names for their kids. I thought you were one of those.

Answer 5

Oh some of these posts are so mean! You have a RIGHT to that child. I had my first at 19. I was living with my parents, didn't have a job or a car, just started college. NOT a good time to have a baby. I NEVER once considered giving the baby up. I started working at a day care to learn how to change diapers, feeding, schedules, etc. I worked my butt off to support the baby. Now she's 2 and I live on my own, bought my own car, I'm almost done with school and I work at the day care she goes to. It IS possible. It probably would hurt that family b/c they're looking forward to it but right now its your decision to make. There are thousands (maybe millions) of babies that NEED adopted b/c their parents don't WANT them or CANT keep them. It is YOUR decision. Just think about it long and hard! Good luck with your decision. Either way, congratulations on the blessing of carrying a baby!

Answer 6

I'm adopted so i know the benefits of having a loving caring family who took me in.

Im 24 yrs old and my mother biological mother had me at 16 and i was adopted some where between 6 and 8 months later.  

i know the sacrafice my bio mom made by giving me up but i know the hearts she helped heal and a family she brought together by giving me up to them to love as ther own.

DO YOU'RE UNBORN CHILD A FAVOR and just be sure that ethier choice you make, you think it all the way through so as ot t hurt another family by giving them a child and then taking her a precious gift away from them.  Make a clear concise choice just do whats right for your child, and don't hurt this other family by waiting to the last minute to tell them whats goin on.

Tell them yes or tell them no that your choice and it's not wrong to tell them no but it is wrong to lead them on.  So just think about it but talk to them some how.

Answer 7

You have the right to change your mind. It is YOUR baby.

Answer 8

If you are having second thoughts, TELL THEM NOW!! Do not wait until they get more and more attached to this unborn child. They deserve to be told sooner rather than later.

Answer 9

no it is not horrible

Answer 10

It is all right for you to change your mind.  You are the mother of your baby and you are the one who chooses.  If you decide to keep her, just commit to being the best mother you can be and don't worry about the couple who wants to adopt.  Yes they will be disappointed, but you are not anyone's last hope.  I am in favor of adoption, if that is the choice of the birth mother, but you know that any child will want to know why their mother had to give them up.  If you feel you can and want to raise your child, that is one question she will not have to ask later on.

Answer 11

Yes, it's horrible to tell people that they're going to have a baby, then say, "Just kidding!  Ha ha!"  But that's not the worst part.  The worst part is what will happen to your baby if you keep her.  You sound like you aren't able to do a good job raising her.  Sounds like she won't have a father around.  Kids need a father, and it'd be incredibly selfish of you to force her to grow up without a father just because you weren't strong enough to give her up.

But hey, there are advantages to having girls who grew up without fathers.  The world needs strippers.  In about 18 years, your daughter could be one of them.

Answer 12

I know you don't want to give your age and I can certainly see why... but if you're still in school (high school or college), or just havn't settled down yet, Then I would say don't keep the baby unless the place where you're living is willing to help with it. They cost A LOT and sometimes love just isn't enough :(

If you're older (Or if you're almost done with college) and have a nice job then it's fine to keep the child. The couple might feel a little hurt but try to be as nice as possible when you tell them.

I love the name Zina by the way :D

Answer 13

gurl..you go ahead and keep your baby if thats what you wanna do because whatever choice you make is gonna effect your life...so no its not horrible i actually think its beautiful do your thang mama!

Answer 14

Can you support the baby? This is hard. If you have enough money or family will help you through it, I suppose you could keep her. But really think this through! This is someones life-what can they give her that you cant? and vice versa

Answer 15

i was fully on-board with an adoption plan and decided to change my mind and parent my son.  realize, you will probably hurt the potential aparents; but they can be matched again. you can NEVER get that child back.

i would really think about it, and start to set up your support system.  find out about WIC and other assistance programs in your area.  get information about teen mom programs to help you finish school; and trade-schools and colleges that offer free day-care so that you can complete your education. contrary to what is told to pbmoms, not every child born to a young single mom will end up in jail or illiterate.  my son is a B+  student and will be visiting colleges this summer.

although there are many people who will tell you that what you are doing is wrong, realize that it's Y.O.U.R. B.A.B.Y and you are entited to parent if you wish....

ps. Zina is a very pretty name.

EDIT:

the CPS c**p is sick! this is what they tell you to scare you into placing.  i was told that i would have a case opened on me because i wasn't working ( i was in college)..yadda, yadda, yadda!  it's hype used to bully you. don't worry about it. if you want to parent, then do it.  

also, you are under NO obligation to heal other's infertility.  sure, a failed adoption is painful, but i often wonder why it's so easy for a mom to place, yet so difficult for an aparent to lose an adoption?  and to say that a failed adoption is like the death of a baby is a serious slap in the face to parents whose child has died!  how dare anybody compare the two!

also, your adoption agency will give you about 100 different reasons to not parent.  that's their job. they are not in the business of "helping you work out all of your decisions"; they are in the business of getting paid to place babies. get another counselor (not affliated with the adoption agency) ASAP!!!!

one more thing:  i really wish people who stop with the "your baby will have two loving parents and a stable home" banter.  last time i checked, aparents get divorced, get laid off, and have hardship too! not every adoptive family is stable and loving.  just like not every bmom is unable to parent.  

can we get an original rationale for adoption and stop all the stereotypes! geeshh!

Answer 16

If you're are doubting it now, it will forever haunt you.  Keep your baby.  You need to explain this to her ASAP! Thats when its mean, when you Dont let the family know whats going on..  They deserve better and you should trust your instinct and keep your baby.

Answer 17

No, it's not horrible. I'm sure lots of pregnant women go through the same emotions when they're thinking of putting their baby up for adoption.

It's completely understandable, and you should look for support groups for people going through the same thing. If you dont have one in your area, you could even talk to online support groups, and definitely to a friend.

Good luck!

Answer 18

Noone can answer this question for you sweetie, and Zina is a perfectly fine name.  I went to school with a girl who's name was Zina.  I think it will hurt the couple very much and I certainly wouldn't invite her to an ultrasound until you are certain of your choice because that will only make things harder.  But you do need to make your decision, if you decide to keep this baby will you have support from the father or your own family?  You are going to need to prepare things for the baby so time is of the essence.  If you are having second thoughts that doesn't make you horrible it makes you human.  Best of luck hon!  YOUR FIFTEEN????  of course that will affect our answers we don't want to see another baby in a garbage can..............where are your parents in this?

Answer 19

It is important that you do what is best for you and the baby...Now that being said if you are thinking about pulling out of the adoption I believe that you should talk to the prospective adoptive parents about your concerns. They have a right to know that you may not be still fully committed just so they can prepare themselves. Their reaction to this news could help make the decision for you. If they freak out and become defensive, then you kinds know how they react when the going gets tough. If they are sympathetic, offer to help you find a counselor, etc then they are mature adults who truly want what is best for all involved.  

I understand that you are getting excited, now you know its a girl, all the little baby clothes you see are so cute and you feel like it will all work out - and it might, but remember its not all cute outfits and beautiful names. You are reluctant to post your age so please consider that in your decision.

Good Luck!!!!  I hope that it will all work out in the end!

Answer 20

Honey, forget the professionals, and what everyone else thinks.  Ask GOD for wisdom.  Every Day.  and the rest will come together.  If you want to be a Mother to your baby, and to love her, then I say go for it, But not without God.  All things are possible through Christ!  Oh and by the way, I LOVE the Name!

Answer 21

Congratulations to you and Zina, that  is a beautiful name.

Don't stress about how to tell potential adopters you are mothering your baby. Their family building strategies is NOT your responsibility. As another expecting mother once said "those people want any baby, I only want mine"

Any parents with integrity will be pleased for you two, others who are selfish may say unkind things.

Don't allow anyone who isn't supportive of you parenting your baby to go your appointments. This is you and your daughter's time.  I hope you have an enjoyable pregnancy and birth. You are the mother Zina chose. Nobody could take your place in her eyes.

Being pregnant unexpectatly can be scary, but when you hold her, and nourish her at your breast, it is all going to feel so natural and right. Breastfeeding will deepen your connection and your mothering instincts. All is going to be well

Answer 22

the choice is completely up to you. i know that the couple will be devastated because they wait so long to get a child. it would be heartbreaking to anyone who has waited so long to finally get the chance to have a child and then not have it happen. however, have you ever thought about an open adoption? talk to the couple about it. you can still choose them as the parents and you will be included in the life of the child. many adopted children grow up like this. they know that they have a mother and a father that love them, but they also have you, their birth mother. just something to think about.

Answer 23

Well, I am an adoptive mother and here is my opinion.  IF you are going to decide to keep the baby, better to decide NOW rather than later.  The longer you keep letting the adoptive couple think that you are giving them your baby, the more attached they will get and the harder it will be later if you keep it.  If you want to keep it, you need to decide now and let them know.  Yes, it will be hard for them, but it'll be even harder if you wait even longer and they get more attached.  I think what you are feeling is normal, but you really need to do some DEEP thinking and soul searching to make a final decision.  THe sooner the better!!!

My husband and I went through a situation when a birth mother chose us, had the baby, told us to come to the hospital, etc. and then backed out at the last minute and decided to keep the baby.  It was DEVASTATING!!!  If she didn't want to go through with it, she should have told us sooner and definitely shouldn't have invited us to the hospital to see/hold the baby!

You have to decide and ultimately you are the one who has to live with your choice.  Although, now that you have brought an adoptive couple into the picture, your decision won't just affect you and your baby, but them as well.  True, they have no legal rights to the child and it is YOUR baby, but you chose to bring them into this and you need to weigh that out as well.  They didn't choose you, YOU chose THEM!

I'm sure you had reasons for making an adoption plan and choosing them in the first place.   Think of those reasons, too, as you are weighing everything out.  

You are the one that ultimately has to live with your decision, either way.  Yes, if you place the baby for adoption, you will always think about her in the future and wonder what it might have been like, but you'll know she has good parents and a good life.  If you keep her, you won't have to miss her or wonder, but you WILL have A LOT of struggles.  Raising a child properly takes a lot of time, patience, work, emotional stability/security, and not to mention MONEY!  It changes your life forever.  Life is no longer about hanging out with friends and having a social life.  It's about putting your cihld before yourself and devoting your time and attention to them 24/7.  

If you really love your baby, DO WHAT IS BEST FOR HER, not what is best for YOU!  Ultimately, she is the one that is going to be affected by your decision the most!

Answer 24

Zina is a beautiful name and that is very thoughtful of you to want to name her after your Grandmother - how honored she must feel!

You have absolutely EVERY RIGHT to keep your baby. This baby IS yours - it does not belong to them and do not for one moment feel like you have any obligation to them.

Yes, there will be other children they can adopt. And if they are so desperate for a child they can go through the state where there are thousands of children waiting to be adopted.

What would be horrible would be for you to lose your child and your child to lose her mother simply because you feel pressured.

Answer 25

Well it might hurt their feelings a little bit. Since they may have certain reasons as to why they can not give birth.  But, they can not stop you from keeping your baby. Just let them know that at the moment you are still undecided. But, reassure them that you will keep them in mind if you see you can not handle this for some reason, then they still see there is some hope left.

There are always different families that they can still adopt from out there. Even babies that are already born and are just waiting for someone to adopt them. They will be fine. They also have to understand your point of view as well.

Answer 26

I think what would be a horrible thing to do would be if you were to give this baby away without being 100% sure you're doing the right thing.  And you're right, you're not this couple's last hope, if you do decide to keep your baby, they will find another baby to adopt.  You still have time to make up your mind, but this is a very important decision so take the time to make sure it's the right one for you and your baby girl.

Good luck

Answer 27

First things first.... you need to make a decision about what you want to do... no point bringing it up only to decide you do want to give her up. I suggest talking to some close friends/family and if that is not an option then talk to a counsellor. It sounds like you really don't want to give her up and I am assuming you are quite young. It is possible for a teenager to raise a child but you need to make sure YOU are going to be able to cope with it. Do you have a good support network and will you be able to manage financially. You also need to be 100% sure that this is not just a short term emotional thing... baby's are exciting and they are beautiful and are the most wonderful things but they are also VERY hard work. If you don't think you will manage that long term then now is the time to realise that. The other thing to consider is that as much as you might want to keep this baby, you also need to do what is in her best interests. ONly you can determine if you keeping her is in her best interests.... remember, she doesn't need expensive toys and clothes but she does not ongoing, unconditional love, support and nurturing as well as enough financial means to at the very least support her basic needs such as food, clothing and education.

If you do decide to keep her then I suggest telling the adoptive parents as soon as possible. You will need someone with you to mediate... preferably an unbiased person such as an adoption counsellor. Remember it will be hard but if keeping her is what you really want and what is best for her than you just need to do it. It will be hard but not doing it even though you want to will be harder in the long run.

Good luck

Answer 28

no matter how old you are, raising a baby is a BIG responsibility and takes a lot of your time and effort. no matter if you're young and go to school, or are older and go to work. so really think about that.

i think it is kind of mean to get the family's hopes up like that. maybe if you talked about it with the family, they might let you name the baby. i think that there is a bit of competition between families to get a baby, because ppl who are giving their babies up for adoption have different ideas about the kind of family they want to give their baby to. so if this family doesn't get your baby, they might not get chosen by someone else either.

if i were you, i would give the baby up, as hard as it is.

Answer 29

It is your decision- because you need to be able to live with it the rest of your life- the parents you have chosen will be dissapointed so you need to tell them sooner rather than later-good luck with whatever you decide :)

Answer 30

You should have thought of this before.

and yes you are to young to have a child.

Answer 31

Hi Youcantseeme,

Tell the couple that you wish them well, but now that you're further along in your pregnancy, your daughter has become more of a reality to you and you have decided you are going to keep her.  You may want to do this before the ultrasound.

This is not horrible, to keep your own child.  Yes, they will probably feel sad and disappointed for themselves.  That's understandable.   No, you are not their last hope, and even if you were, she is still your daughter, not theirs.

If you find it completely impossible in the future to provide for your daughter and both your entire family and the father's entire family plus the father are ALL unsupportive plus you cannot locate enough assistance, you could still look into open adoption like you'd been considering.  

Her name is lovely, and even nicer that it has family meaning.

Did you check out Girl-Mom.com (check out their feature stories and especially their forums) or Origins-USA.org for help with planning out how you will meet your needs and Zina's?  

What you need right now (after letting the prospective adopters know your decision) is knowledge of and access to all resources available to you and your baby.  Write down everyone and everything/place in your life who or which may be able to help and support you.  Parents, teachers, counselors, extended family members, government, websites, pregnant student programs, assistance from religious groups, free parenting classes, whatever and whomever you can find.

Congratulations on making your decision.  I'm sure that because of your age you might encounter continued pressure to give her away.  Seek out lots of support, both emotional and practical (financial).  Taking these steps now will help ensure that you will never be forced to lose her.