Is it just cold feet or is it just me?

Question

I love my fiance with all my heart but sometimes i don't understand his ways. We have been friends for 6 years and engaged for 1 1/2 yrs and in a serious relationship for 2 years....the hold up is communication. Most of our relationship was long distance, but now we are now much closer to one another geographically. He is very reserve. He rarely allows ANYTHING to bend him out of shape. Sometimes i don't know if he's angry or not. When i ask how he feels he says he's fine although sometimes i feel he may be upset. I'm worried that this communication issue we are having will be bad for our marriage but at the same time i'm thinking that maybe it will get better as we grow together? Either way it really bothers me that i can't read his emotions or feelings. When i tell him to talk to me and explain that i don't know how he feels (even after an argument) he just says he's fine. The second issue is he gives short blunt answers. Like if i have on a dress he does not like, and i ask why he does not like it, he says he just doesn't. He won't say its too short or it shows too much or anything. As his future wife i want to respect him with my clothing but i'm pretty conservative so nothing was hanging out so i'm confused??? Or if he asks me to do something, and I ask why, he feels he never has to explain anything....this is very annoying!!!!! I want to know why because maybe he can teach me a new way to do something or tell me something i never thought of. I feel that if you can't communicate well, then there is no way to resolve the other million issues in the relationship. His mother says he had been this way all his life, but when you get married you have to alter your personal ways......should i try to adjust to his habits even when he does not want to adjust to mine? How can i get him to talk to me? Will this get better as we spend more time together or is it hopeless? Married people please help!!!!!

Answer 1

What you see now is what you're going to get when you marry.  You have known him a very long time.  If this has bothered you from the start then I hesitate to tell you he is the right one for you.  It sounds like this is the way he is, temperament and all.  If you can accept him as he is and live with it, it might work for you.  I guess the only way to tell if it is hopeless is to get some professional help and hope it helps, if then you are not feeling good about things then you may need to go your separate ways.

Answer 2

no, you do not have to alter yourself in a marriage, marriage is give and take, sometimes it is 70-30 - sometimes 60-40 - but rarely 50-50

if you are having a hard time communicating with him now, after 6 years, you are probably going to have a hard time the next 60 years. What I (being married three times and finally learning this time) suggest is, sit down and tell him what you just told us, come to an agreement, attend counseling together and apart, learn more about each other in couple's therapy - live together - that is the ultimate test.

as far as not explaining anything to you - is his family this way? does he come by it honestly? or does he just want to be controlling?

you are absolutely correct, if you cannot communicate, you will not succeed - you are no more a mind reader than he is, and neither of you should be expected to read the others mind.  

Answer 3

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.p...

here is a website i found that might give you a few ideas

Answer 4

First rule of thumb, never assume anything will improve after the marriage.  You have to decide if it's worth living with this for the rest of your life because there's a good chance this is how he will always be.

I think the most important issue for communication is if something you are doing is really bothering him, will he bring it up or mention it to you at all?  If he is unable to do that, then you are in for a lot of trouble.  He will always be feeling resentful of you, and you will never know why.

If it's just that he's in a bad mood, and it has nothing to do with you, and he wants to keep it to himself, then I think that is okay.  Women tend to deal with their negative emotions more by talking to other people about them.  Men like to withdraw from other people and handle their emotions by themselves until they are feeling better.  I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

As far as not elaborating on things, maybe he doesn't know why he doesn't like a particular dress or why he wants you to elaborate on something.  I know there are times when I want to discuss things with my husband, and I can't get things out of him because he says he doesn't know how to put things into words, and then I know I just have to let it go.  It's kind of funny actually considering that he's a writer.

The important thing, as I said before, is that he can let you know when things are bothering you.  Also, you just have to feel comfortable with his communication style.  You have to decide before you marry him whether or not this is something you can live with for the rest of your life.