Is it just me or is this situation with my boyfriend and his child's mother wrong?

Question

Here is the situation. I am 24 and my boyfriend is 29. He has a child that is 7. Now we have lived together for over a year now and we have been dating for 3 years. I have met his child only about 7 times over the years. I get along fine with her and she has no problems with me. However every other time I do see his child the kids mom goes crazy and tells my boyfriend that she is going to take him to court to start paying child support, (yes he already takes care of his child, just not by court order), or she will put restrictions on the times he is allowed to call to speak to his child, or she will not let him speak to his child for a few days and tell the child it is his fault. Or do some other deciteful thing. To add on to that when my boyfriend does want to see his child he has to go to their house or take their kid out because she is not really allowed to be here/ or I should say around me. The few times I call my boyfriend when he is at his daughters house and the mom is there she pretty much always has something ignorant to say to me or about me in the background. Also, my boyfriend is still comfortable enough at their house and allowed to be there until what ever time he wants to, and not that it happens alot, but from time to time he will tell me he fell asleep watching tv with his daughter and will come home at 12am. With all of this said I have a problem with her or more with my boyfriend and her relationship. So when he tells me he is going to take his daughter school shopping at 11am and I call him at 2 to see whats up for the rest of the day and he tells me that they just got to the store b/c his child was getting her hair done and he had to wait, okay so that is fine. But then I call him at 6 and he says he is just leaving the mall and who do I hear in the background... Of coarse, his childs mother is there. Why wouldnt he of been told me that? Now I understand that his child is young and wants her mom around but she also likes being with her dad, and she lives with her mom so she is always with her. It would not bother her to go with her dad alone so I can not blame it on that. So if you had a "babies mama" that puts a big dent in your relationship, would you want her around when you were spending time with your kid? Does it sound like they are messing around still? Do women who have kids and are not with the father any more and know that the father is in a real serious relationship still mess with them anyway? Is it just me or is he giving her too much and expecting me to be okay with it? I do not think this is how it has to be just b/c he has a kid with some one else. How am I suppose to be comfortable with this?

Answer 1

i know how you feel, i've been there. my husband's baby's mother was like that also. but anyway, it sounds like the baby's mother is jealous of you and that's the reason why she gives you attitude. you need to speak to your bf and let him know how you feel. you cannot just sit there and pretend that it doesn't bother you. ask him if the two of them are still messing around.  

Answer 2

I didn't read the whole thing because it is such a familiar story.  He should go to court.  He should have it in writing when he sees his child.  My husbands ex tried this same stunt before we were married.  Before I would marry him, he had to have this part of his life in order.  They went to court, he ended up paying less than he had been doweling out before and he had it in writing from the courts that she had to let him see the children.  This is called sad, however necessary.  He probably needs to step up to the plate and take corrective action against her controlling behavior before she will stop it.  By doing this you all will have peace of mind.  Look up parent alienation syndrome, read about it and find a lawyer who will help you with this if needed...it is a form of abuse to the child.  This is who I am most sad for here, imagine that child's life, they had no choice in this whole mess.

Answer 3

Maybe your b/f is giving both of you ladies the run around.

He plays nice to his ex so she won't take him to court.

He plays nice with you because you live together.

I think at this point, maybe you should move out, take a break from him, and see where the chips fall.

Answer 4

I wouldn't be comfortable with this either. This sounds bad all the way around for you. I am so sorry. I would tell him that eithier he sets limits with her or you leave. Your right he should be able to go shopping with his kid without the mother there that is messed up. I wouldn't say if they are messing around or not but if she can't except you then he should say that he isn't playing games and that he will make it all legal if need be to see his child and stick by you.  

Answer 5

First of all, paragraphs are your friend.  

It might be right or wrong by you, but his first responsibility is to make the baby happy, not you.  If it provides a more stable life for his child to have mom tag along and be friends then that is the right thing to do.

You will always be secondary.  That is the only right thing to do.  She didn't ask for him to be in her life.  He created her and he owes her.  He also owes the mom, big time, because she is raising his child.  A man who disrespects the mother of his children shames his children.

I wouldn't feel comfortable if I were you, but then I wouldn't want to be with a man who thought that any woman was more important than his child. That is true even if I am the woman.  I would have no respect for a man who put my feelings above the feelings of his child in this matter.  Giving her a stable home and having a supportive relationship with her mother is his most important duty in life.

She sounds like a b*tch, and she will be forever.  Do you want to live your life like this?  You can't change them, but you sure can change things for yourself.

Answer 6

He is crossing the line and in the wrong! If he is already paying child support directly to the mom then let them go to court because then by law he has visitation at his house.

If he didn't really want this situation to be like this...it wouldn't.

You really need to evaluate your relationship and what you want out of it.

Answer 7

Sounds like he wants the best of both worlds. Perhaps its time you laid down a few conditions. Be firm and make sure that whatever it is you decide to propose, are conditions you are prepared to stick to - otherwise he will continue to take advantage of both situations. Firstly, you could ask him how he would feel if the boot was on the other foot. You have been with this man long enough to tell him how you feel and what you like and dislike. In fact, the issues you raise should possibly have been brought to the fore a long time ago. Its therefore no wonder he thinks he can join in with his ex and child on shopping expeditions, spend lengthy periods of time with his ex present and feels so comfortable while at their house.  There is a distinct lack of respect in your boyfriend allowing his ex to shout things out in the background while he speaks to you on the phone. If he had true feelings for you, he would ensure his ex had more respect for you. This might be difficult if the ex is still interested in him and possibly jealous of you. It does sound like this might be the case. Approach the situation with maturity and in a non hostile manner. Gauge his reaction and see if he respects your feelings by changing this behaviour that makes you so upset. If he appears to ignore your requests/conditions, then maybe its time you contemplated a more loyal, considerate type of companion.

Answer 8

His child's mom is immature and spiteful. She has no interest in him ever having another relationship, other than with her. I bet he put her down and she is now controlling all that she can, when it comes to him seeing his child, paying child support. Yes, she will use the courts, the child, and you to get even or AT HIM in a negative way. Sorry, but it you really care for him, learn patience and tolerance, and remember, that girl will be grown soon and all the madness will be less. Help him by not having you ***** about his baby's mama drama on your end. Good luck.

Answer 9

I may get a lot of flack for this answer, but here goes:

You have to decide if you want to be bothered with all this drama.  You will not be able to escape it, she is his child's mother.  You have to decide what you consider to be respectful and considerate behavior on your boyfriend's part.  Is he someone that you're considering having a future with, like marriage?  If so, then HE needs to set the record straight with her.  He should also get legal advice concerning his child support obligations and visitation, for his own protection and benefit.  

If you are looking at a long term / permanent relationship with this man, make sure he's worth it.  If he won't respect you enough to extend the common courtesy of a phone call if he's going to be late, or can't demand that his ex treat you with common courtesy, then you may want to reconsider your relationship.  It's not a matter of "it's your daughter or me"; it's about you being treated respectfully by him and courteously by the ex.  Frankly, I'd take a pass.  How do you expect to develop a real relationship with the little girl if no effort is being made to engage you with her?  That's your boyfriend's responsibility.  You are uncomfortable with this situation and you need to talk to him.  Again, think long and hard about how much you want to put into this.  You may want to just cut your losses and move on.  

Answer 10

It's a very complex situation but in short- the poor kid is the one who is being harmed here. All the adults have their own agendas but the child is the innocent victim who is being used for emotional blackmail. The best thing to do, in my opinion, is for the 3 adults to meet (without the child present) and come to some mutually acceptable arrangement about access and visitation.  You all need to do this with the child's best interests in mind and put aside your own issues. Sounds like the mum is angry about the break up or has unresolved feelings. The dad is in a vulnerable place because if he 'upsets' the mum, he might not get to see his child. You are in a difficult position. I don't think the 3 of you will be able to resolve this alone- there's too much anger and insecurity for you all to do this selflessly. Please see a family relationship counsellor. The mum needs to know that you are not a threat to her- that you are not trying to take her place. Your boyfriend needs to be honest about his feelings. You need to accept that you might need to come second in the relationship (his child is first) The child needs to not be torn 3 ways emotionally. You can have a healthy, loving relationship but you all need to do your parts. Best wishes

Answer 11

Wow, way too much to read.  Here's what I tell my guy friends.  If you want to avoid that kind of drama, do NOT date anyone with kids.  Problem solved.  

Why would you want to deal with that?  She'll always be in the picture.

Answer 12

Wow...

If he is already taking care of his daughter financially he should just go to court for visitation and get all of it over at once.  BTW, neither have any baring on the other.  He could be taken to court for child support and still not get visitation and get visitation without the support order in place.

He needs to man up and decide that his child is the one he wants... or is it?

The first two years you really cant count.  I dont think any one man or women should introduce the children to their bf or gf until they think it is serious.  He should have introduced her to you before you moved in together but as far as the year you have lived together ask yourself a question...

How can the childs mom take your relationship seriously if he does not include your feelings?

Answer 13

This is why so many relationship that include a child go down the drain. You will never be number one in his life, he will always put his child first and when she gets into her teens she will make your life a living h**l. She will be possessive and jealous and you will be viewed as an intruder. So now you know.

Answer 14

Okay, my fiance has children and he sees his son at his son's house with the mother around but I think your situation is a little too much. She is probably still with him behind your back especially since he's hiding things from you, my fiance doesn't hide anything.

Answer 15

  Your "boyfriend" is doing what so many men  dont do and that is taking responsibility for someone hes's created. He's puting  her feelings before anyone else including you and thats how it should be. If hes a real father he wants to and  is going to and  be apart of every aspect of her life and the mother also. so you need to  either accept thingss for how the really are or go find some man who doesnt have any kids.

Answer 16

I have been there and done that. I even had a gun pulled on me when I went to go pick up my son to go to the movies. The other women will hate you and her ex forever. I say, always! they will play the part, but they hate you and your boyfriend. She is your enemy. The day you think other wise is the day she will burn you.

Your boyfriend needs to go to court, DA, and get a court order to pay child support. because all the money he is giving her, even with proof, for buying shoe, diapers, clothing, is considered a "Gift". and when the court order is issued, it will not be summed up to pay any child support ordered.

I am writing a book about this issue for both side to understand this reality. But, for you I say, keep all your career, wedding plans, children planning etc, to yourself. She wants to make your life filled with her own misery.

Her motivation? it is this, "Why should that bit*h have a happy family and I get stuck being a single mother!". that is her justification and rationalization. It is not sane, But it is her way of thinking. It is common, very common. If you have a baby with this boyfriend, watch out! she is going to come out swinging! even if she ended the relationship with this guy, she is thinking the same.

Do not try to understand it rationally. It is just the reality. Because if this guy leaves you and has a baby from another woman, you would be thinking just like this woman. And I heard that story many times, " I would never do that to you, baby, I love you too much, I am not that kind of woman." haha, they are all that type of woman.

Peace.  

Answer 17

Ugh just get out of this r/ship.  I had a boyfriend for 5 years who had a child and turst me, it doesn't get any better.  The baby mama will ALWAYS be in his life yadda yadda, but it's true, and it's annoying.  There are plenty of guys who don't have kids.  I know you probably like/love your boyfriend, but it's not worth all the drama.  It's just not.  I say just dump him, move on, and find someone with no kids.  And to answer your questions, there's no way of knowing whether or not they are still messing with each other.  It's possible, but there's no way you can prove it without spying on them.  And yes, women will still mess with a man when he's in a serious r/ship with someone else.

Answer 18

He's sleeping with ex and she is petrified of losing him.  I'd guess that her self esteem is so low that she's willing to offer herself up to him even though that essentially means she's treated like the other woman.  I'm sure this is killing her emotionally which is why you get the anger that should be directed at him and herself.

As for the child, what a dysfunctional arrangement for the kid!  Kid sees you getting verbally put down, sees mom in some lopsided half-assed relationship and sees two women fighting like old dogs over her father.

Get out of this ridiculous triangulation and find a man that has no hidden dramas or dimensions.  

Answer 19

Only you know how you feel here and if after all this you still put up with this then youre a strong person. Most women wouldnt put up with this no matter what they think is happening. Sounds like hes playing both sides of the field here with you the second string but only you know for sure. Personally. I wouldd say move on. you can tell him to keep detailed record of his money spent to her for child support and if he has all this ten run her into court and file for visits and make the support legal

Answer 20

Girl, Please!!! He playing both of ya'll. Wake up, it is what it is. That gut feeling you sharing with us is the TRUTH!!!! Don't play yourself.