Is it me, or should I be offended by this?

Question

for all who don't know, this is why potential bmoms change our minds...

thoughts???

from an adoption agency website:

"Although it's impossible to accurately predict whether any particular woman will change her mind about placing her baby for adoption, researchers have studied birthmothers who changed their minds about adoption in the past and compiled the following list:

The birthmother is under age 17.

She has no immediate or future career/life plans.

She lives in a big city.

She was brought up by a single mom.

She is nonreligious.

She lives with the birthfather.

Her mom disapproves of adoption.

She lives with her parent(s).

She is a high school dropout.

Her mother or father has no education beyond high school.

She (or her parents) are on welfare.

She has friends who are single parenting and urging her to do the same.

She has a very difficult delivery."

how about: SHE WANTS TO PARENT THE BABY SHE CARRIED AND GAVE BIRTH TO!!!!

Answer 1

I am deeply offended.

Obviously, an adoption agency (or perhaps an adoption agency coalition) has invested some $$$ in targeting "cooperative" and "compliant" behaviors that indicate that they have hooked a good candidate to be a baby breeder.  They pose as "social workers" poised to "help" young women with crisis pregnancies, when they are nothing more than property agents armed with their well funded research designed to pry babies from their mother's arms.

And, oh yes - I also find it extremely offensive that the adoption industry disregards the passion that "those welfare folks" have for the integrity of their familes.

Answer 2

Thats agencys for you...

They just go by numbers/figures dont actually consider  real peoples thoughts &  feeling n dont even treat them as human beings ie (under age,no hopers,deprived parents)etc

Pretty sad bt then again they are the "professionals" who know all! who has probly never experienced maternal love

Answer 3

Well it is coercive, and weird, the mother lives with "the birthfather"  do they mean father, the mother's boyfriend or husband?  Clearly the idea is that low rent women keep their babies, no where does it say probably the real motivating factor, she loves her child and that is what mothers DO, raise their children.

Answer 4

I would be offended. It is different with life inside of you, and when that life comes out, feelings may arise that were not thought of, the maternal love is untethered.

I think you change your mind because you love the child you gave life too.

That is the only reason that should be listed. Where do they come up with these statistics? I am sorry but the reasons listed fit someone in my life who gave their child up for adoption and was happy about it.

Answer 5

Oh I am highly offended for all of us! Egads where did they come up with this stuff? Oh wait that's right targeting their audience aren't they? Stay away from those po' ho's they keeps they babies right? I guess this means the women who do surrender are educated, come from good homes and have good families? Hmm sounds to me like they are selling the "Smart" women who will have "Smart" babies. Guh how about they were smart enough to not do what us better educated women got coereced into? This sort of thing should be illegal!

Answer 6

Well now let's see how I add up to this list

I was 17 at the time of my son's birth

I had career plans

I did live in a major center

I was brought up by two parents through ADOPTION

I was raised Lutheran, at the time of birth and currently I define my religious views as Neo-Pagan.

I did not live with the father.

My Mother was very supportive of adoption... uh yeah she was an adopter herself.

I was not living with my parents

I was in High School

Both my parents are graduates with post secondary educations

I was on welfare AFTER his birth, my parents have never been

I did have one friend who was single parenting, she advised adoption

My delivery was stupidly easy.

So how well do I fit their idea of someone who would choose to parent... because that is exactly what I chose to do, TWICE!

Answer 7

i find it offensive as an adoptive mother.  the picture they're painting of possible adoption situations that fall through pretty much is saying that lower income, uneducated woman are the one's more likely to decide to parent their child.  our daughter's mother fell into all of those catagories except 1.  she didn't change her mind.  honestly she was the one giving me support toward the end of her pregnancy letting me know she wasn't going to decide to parent and she'd already made her mind up.  of all the people she was the last one that should have been encouraging me that everything was going to be ok.  i have nothing for her but the highest respect i can have for someone.  it doesn't matter the background.  although not properly worded or stated i think what that agency is trying to do is to let prospective adoptive parents know certain situations in their experience where an adoption plan might fall through.

Answer 8

You make a good point.

Answer 9

But Tish, a list like that is helpful for APs--then they know who to avoid and who to target as easy marks for giving up their children.

If you know who to coerce, it saves time & money--right?

Answer 10

Yes!! Look at this link!! http://www.achildsdream.org/content/birt...

Okay i'm posting this from the website:

Who will help me understand this decision and deal with the loss of my child?

The decision to place your baby for adoption is not an easy one to make on your own. It can be very difficult, and even painful. We understand that, and we also commend you for making the choice to put your baby’s needs before your own. Our trained staff and social workers will help you work through your pain, and approach it in light of the gift you are giving someone else. Our agency also provides professional counseling at no cost to the birth parents.

You are offended!! How about me as an adopted child!! Thankful my adoptive parents never used these words in describing me. I'm no gift!! It's almost like the expect to wrap us up and put bows on us under a tree! My a-parents have always been respectful in talking about my birthfamily. I feel that this website and many others, puts down the birth mother. She shouldn't be put down!

Answer 11

Well that's an obvious. That's why she wants to keep the baby LOL!

Answer 12

I can't speak to the accuracy of this agencies claims...but in general, poor moms with limited resources are the ones who give their babies up. This skews their "study" right from the start.  I cannot say that I have ever seen a mother with good financial standing give a baby up...they simply parent them becuase they can.

I work on an OB floor.  The women we see who most often change their minds tend to be younger, less educated, and have made fewer plans for the future in terms of further education.   Not intended to be a slam against anyone..just the facts.

Women who are enrolled in college tend to be more focused on getting their carreer going and cannot find a way to parent and get a good edcuation.

Answer 13

Aside from being offended as an adult adoptee, I am mildly amused by this list because it seems to describe what the general public thinks about the typical b****mother.

Answer 14

Very True

Answer 15

That's a very good point!

And true!

Answer 16

its all a crock of c**p....what about you now have two lost souls missing a part of themselves...there is a bond i do not care who you are unless you are an adoptee you will never figure it out...there is a bond between a birth mother and a baby that cannot be broken if its not there as you grow up its as if something is missing

Answer 17

Yes, I do think this list is offensive and aims to give a negative picture of women who considered adoption but decided to parent.  That being said, it IS true that the "typical" (statistically) birthmother is in her early to mid twenties.  Teenagers in a crisis pregnancy tend to parent their children at a higher rate than women ten years older, and I don't think it's because they are better equipped to raise a child.  Don't get me wrong, I am certainly not saying ANYONE who finds the resources and makes the committment to parent their child is wrong.  That is the best thing for the child.  I just think it is interesting to see the sociological things that contribute to decisions.  And if you want to reform adoption, looking at those things can help you find solutions.

Answer 18

First off, that agency is as vomitrocious as it gets and I'd be running for the hills as fast as I could away from that mess. Second, all that list really says if you think about it is that the women who are more likely to change their minds and keep their babies are the ones who have support (family, friends, services), or who know well enough to realize single moms can be good moms. I'd take it as a compliment even though the agency is obviously c**p. Well, except for all that "she's uneducated" stuff, that is insulting. Yeah, you have to be a huge dumb*** not to give your baby to strangers, uh huh. *insert whacko looking smiley face making the sign for crazy here* Whatever.

Answer 19

That's horrible. And what's with the big city part? I could, in a twitsted way, see the rest. (not agreeing) but i dont get the city part. I'm with you.

Answer 20

To compile the statistics, they collect data about demographic information.  They are just saying that people who behaved in a certain way (i.e., changed their minds) had certain demographic characteristics.

Answer 21

they are not saying this about all bmoms. it's just stats. it's just like saying that all adoptees are more likely to commit suicide and kill their adopted parents. the stats say that too. i'm not offended by those because i'm not in the category. don't take it personally.