Is it normal for me to feel lonely after 3 years of marriage?

Question

I have been together with my husband for 8 years (including 3 years of marriage) now but I'm feeling more and more lonely as days go by. Back when we were dating, I never feel that he would be a bad choice and I was pretty happy back then. We are living under one roof with just the 2 of us where we should feel closer to each other with no restrictions. Despite so, I felt more lonely living with him. Back to the days when we were dating, we were always quite close. But now he simply just kiss me before he go to work and just before he go to bed. Sometimes he dont even speak more than 3 sentences to me in a day and he would be just doing his stuffs. I spoke to him many times that I felt being neglected by him but he just brush it aside with other excuses. Despite so, I always try to keep up with my part by showing him lots of affection but Im getting tired trying my best but he never try to do anything. At our age (Im 23, he's 30), our relationship shouldnt be so cold. Affection had gone down and we were not as intimate as before. Im still a young woman, I have feelings and needs, is it even normal the way this marriage is going? Im feeling trapped thinking that I gave up so many things when I married him but end up I yearn for the time when I was single. We will be holding our customary wedding in 4 months' time but im getting uncertain. Could anyone in the same situation give me any advice?

Answer 1

I can tell you that it happens in a lot of marriages. I don't know if he's tired from work, wrapped up in his own thoughts or just lazy, but I know it happens. It seems like one or both people start taking the other for granted and then the marriage goes downhill.

Why not ask to have a date night? A special night for just the two of you. Make it part of your routine. Once a month or more often if you need to. Maybe that will get him out of his routine and you can get back some of that love and attention you used to feel.

Answer 2

I felt lonely after one year of marriage.  You should probably go see a counselor.  I know that he is not going to agree with it, just like my husband.  Maybe you should try a temporary separation.  I know how you feel, your married who you thought was the love of your life and now you are alone once again.  All I can say if you want the marriage to work then get some professional help.  If you see no chance of it working then get our of the marriage and be happy.  Being alone even though you are married can lead to depression and it sounds like this is where you are going.  Good luck and I wish you all the best.

Answer 3

I also have been with my husband for close to 8 years and married going on 4. I went through a phase like you with feeling lonely, we went through a rough patch awhile back but it is fixable if you both want to.  

Do you 2 go out and have fun together still like when you were dating or do you mainly just stay home? You have to get out, laugh and have fun together. Go on a weekend and talk to one another about stuff. Get out, talk over coffee, go hiking or take a sport together like tennis, book a romantic weekend, take a road trip spur of the moment but we discovered if we do stuff together we talk more and it brings us closer. I know it works.

  

  

Answer 4

It is most difficult for a woman to live a life without that closeness she needs from her husband. For some reason men have a difficult time understanding this and instead brush it aside as nagging. The solution is simple yet impossible due to the fact your husband refusal to see this problem as important. Get you and your husband into marital counseling so that he can learn there just how neglected you are feeling. I see him as caring for you but as typical of most men he feels he already is doing all he can to be a good husband and cannot understand why it is you are so unhappy. Men do their best in the beginning of a relationship to win you over. Then once they have you they feel they can relax, not try so hard anymore. Being a woman myself, I can tell you that it sucks when men are less attentive. You might want to pull back a bit and start concentrating on doing things that make you happy. Show less interest in him and he will begin to feel the distance and it will make him feel uncomfortable. I have learned that on a horizontal scale with " extreme closeness" being far to the left of the scale and "comfortably close" in the middle with "distance" being to the far right of the scale, men tend to like being in the middle "comfortably close" and most women would love "extreme closeness". If a man gets to far to extreme closeness they tend to feel awkward and want to pull away towards comfortable closeness. What you have been doing is pulling him into a zone he is not comfortable with so he pulls away. What you need to do is distance yourself, sooner or later if he finds himself in the "distance" part of the scale his need for comfortable closeness will make him draw you in closer. This logic has been a known fact of how men and women are and I hope you use it to your advantage. Trust me, it works. Good luck to you!

Answer 5

There are 2 things that come to mind that affected my marriage. My wife and I are both in high stress jobs and stress can kill a s*x drive. I also took Paxil which killed any desire for s*x. I stopped the Paxil and we were lucky enough to realize what was happening and talked about it. You and your husband need to talk to each other more. Nothing is more important than sharing your lives with each other. My wife and I, no matter how late, tell each other about our days and let each other know we love one another. Then on Saturday and/or Sunday when we are well rested, we have great s*x. You and your husband need to reconnect and begin really communicating. I've now been married for 24 years.

Answer 6

There was something wrong with this relationship from the beginning, A 22 year old man dating a 15 year old girl  just isn't right, by any definition.....Now he is probably regretting this and is thinking about another young girl..  It is not you that has the problem, It is your husband. There is no way of guessing what is going through his mind without him confiding with someone..  Look for signs, How does he act with his friends?  Does he go out with his buddies without you?  Does he take you out alone or does he have to have his friends go out with you?  These are all signs that he finds you boring,, It is up to you how you want this marriage to go..  You will have to make him sit down and talk to you.... Don't throw accusations at him and keep calm, try to get him to talk and tell you his real feelings.  Of course if he is feeling regretful about you he will not open up to you and he will not open up to you cause he is either embarrassed,, hiding something or just don't think you can understand and don't want to hurt you,, Again keep calm and don't let it escalate to a argument, this will only make him block you out more...  Sorry but the fact is you have to take control and make the decision here....   Good Luck

Answer 7

i dealt with the same thing. i have known my husband for 19 years and to be very honest with you only the last year have we ever really talked or i felt not alone. we are adopting 4 children, i know that has helped. no i am not saying get pregnant, that doesn't always do the trick. you really need to sit down and have a serious talk with him, one that he can NOT  blow off. recommend counseling, or a trial separation, you are young and do not need to waste any time. if he truly wants to be with you he will do what it takes to save the marriage. and if not you have you answer.  

Answer 8

Your feelings are "normal" (I hate that word).  One of the biggest complaints married women have is being lonely.  I think it all boils down to communication.  Countless books have been written on the subject, including "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus".  I recently read this and find it utterly stupid.  You're both from Earth and even though you're a woman and he's a man, you're part of the same species.  There's no reason why he shouldn't be able to communicate his feelings and emotions.  This is a problem with him, not you. Most women are perfectly well adjusted emotionally.  Men are the result of too much pressure put on them by their parents, peers and society to be a man and not have emotions.  The result is your husband.

Answer 9

If you are so unhappy why stay with him.  You have no children right?  He doesn't want to talk about anything?  You want to be like this forever.  You are a young woman and you can find somebody else.