Is it normal to be grieving still 13 years after my father has passed away?

Question

It's a very touchy subject for me but I would love to cope with what was happened. Its affecting my marriage due to flares of depression and confusion. It has caused me to hate God, when truth of the matter is my father worked for the church during his last few years.

He died during a trip to the movies to see Batman Forever (1995). I was 7 at the time and i remember sitting next to him with my mom on his other side. About a little more than half way through the movie I heard my mom scream and then people started to realized what was happening. People started rushing to him and pushed me out of the way to try and help. During this I calmly remember seeing a couple at the front look back and then just as fast turn their head back around and continue watching the movie. Now I feel bad for this to this day but I can't deny that I didn't wish they would experience the same. But after a while the paramedics came and by the time we got to the hospital he was pronounced dead. I remember being somewhat still in the hospital chapel watching everyone cry and they were consoling my brother and sister the whole time (they were in the later years of high school at the time). My family says that I was too young to understand but for being 7 I understood perfectly what was going on. So they just pretended everything was ok and joked around about he was in Heaven playing jokes with Jesus.

I barely made it through high school with this, and I graduated and at a somewhat young age of almost 21. I have a beautiful wife (one of the few who has helped me with this) and a pretty decent career at which I work hard at everyday. But it has been coming back to me pretty vividly lately and is taking its toll on me. I can't sleep, concentrate, or acknowledge that anything happened at all. What hurts the most is when I see people in public that look like he did. Lately I've been thinking that I would rather him runway because he just wasnt satisfied than God take him from me completely. There is something in the Bible about how its wrong to be greedy with God taking your loved ones. I hate God for taking my father and I dont want to anymore. Its tearing me apart slowly.

And that has been marinating for 13 years.

Answer 1

Does your wife know you're still grieving? It is normal, i mean he's your dad..

Answer 2

Thank you for sharing David. You are a very loving and compassionate son and I know your dad is proud of you and what you have done with your life. I think you should, as others have suggested, go to grief counseling. I think because you understood what happened to your dad at the moment it happened  at the movies and because you were not allowed to be a part of that trauma, you were pushed aside, you felt left out by the family and that feeling is still with you 13 years later. You were not a part of the grieving process so there was and still is no closure for you. The shock was your dad being taken from you suddenly. No chance to say goodbye, no chance to do anything. You were a very grown-up 7 years old, intelligent beyond your years which your family did not realize or they would have let you in. What they were trying to do dear is protect you. They did not know you didn't need protection because you were  a very grown-up little boy. That's an oxymoron but in this case it applies.

You are angry at God sweetheart because who else can you blame? Did dad have an undisclosed illness? Was he in good health? It was time for your dad to leave you and your family. We never want our loved ones to leave us but we know they will, someday. However, since you were only 7 you probably thought your dad would live forever.

We are all on this earth for a reason. There are lessons we are here to learn and when we have accomplished that goal our soul leaves this body and we go on to whatever God has planned for us. Our soul never dies. Your dad's lessons were complete, he did what he came here to do. I know he was not with you long enough, as far as you were concern, but that is not our call to make. I know your dad would not want you to still be grieving. He would want you to remember the good times and how much he loved you, do you remember David? That is what you think about whenever your heart is breaking. Dad would not want you sad.

Go to counseling my dear, talk it out. Yell, scream, cry and get it out of your system. There is a lot you must let go of and I believe you will. I know you do not hate God. You are angry because dad is no longer with you but you know what David, your dad is in your heart. He is a part of who you are. You will start feeling better the more you express your feelings as you have done here. That's what therapy is for. My prayers are with you dear. You will be whole once again. May God grant you the peace you so richly deserve. Take care young man. Pleae let me know how it works out for you David. I care.

Answer 3

You are a very honest and open man. and extremely brave for sharing that.  Grieving is grieving no matter how long it lasts.  Even though you were seven what happenned to you was traumatic not to mention how it makes you feel now thinking about that couple that just turned around back to the movie.  I can understand you feeling angry and wanting some form of revenge or payback on that.  The best thing you can do is go talk to someone and express more how you feel.  You started now by letting it really off your chest and I am sorry to say it is never going to leave you.  I am so sorry something like that happenned to you, it doesnt seem fair but just be strong, be thankful for what you do have and know that you are loved by all.   As long as you have good memories of your father along with many others then his spirit will always be there for you.  

Answer 4

Your are not alone. I lost my dad when I was 7 too, i never grieved, till now, it's been 20 yrs and i'm just grieving over him. I cry too then i get angry

Answer 5

of course, its your father.....can anyone "get over" that??

Answer 6

You are very brave to be telling other people about this. Its Human nature if you still grieve. Don't hate God, rather be satisfied that your father is standing next to him, looking down at you.