Is it normal to not love your stepchildren?

Question

I do not hate my stepchildren, I care about them and I want the best for them. We are nice to each other and we get along ( we do have some conflicts once in a while, but who doesn't?). But for some reason I can't open up my heart to them and love them as much as I love my own child. Is it normal to never grow to love your stepchildren? My husband and I have been married for 8 years and his kids are teenagers now.

Answer 1

I have two step children.  I came into their life when they were 16 and17.  Talk about adjustment on my part.  The older one accepted me as DAD, but the younger chose her biologicial father.  I do treat them differently.  Not because of their choices, but because they are different and respect me differently.  The older treats me as DAD.  She will listen to me ***** at her, if she is messing up.  The younger does not do this.  I am only 7 yrs. older than the oldest, but she understands the respect and what I have done for her, because I do love her as my own.  The younger does not understand this line, so I care, but it is not the same.  

Answer 2

I was asking this same question to a friend of mine. She said her husband will never love her daughter from another marriage as much as the child they had together.  She said he will always be just "Bret" to her daughter.  He loves her but not the father/daughter closeness. Make sense?  He cares but it won't ever be like his own daughter.

I think that is perfectly normal.  And, you know what, I think that the step-children are perfectly happy with that too.

Answer 3

it is normal- if you havent had children yourself beforehand.

Answer 4

Its normal.

I have a stepdaughter and I close to her as if she was mine.

I just think of her as mine.

Answer 5

yupp!

Answer 6

I think it is perfectly normal.

Answer 7

it is normal because they are not your own children. if they were your children u would love them more but since they are not yours you do not love them as much

Answer 8

I just had a new baby... my wife did most of the work though.

So I notice that Im falling in love with the kiddo much more than for my nephew for whom Im uncle and acting dad.

I asked why and observed myself.  When Im around my baby I am constantly rehearsing that I love her.  Its like 5 times a second.

With all the rehearsal.. its reinforced much more strongly.  Without it.. there is not nearly so much there.

Answer 9

I don't know if it is normal or not.  I have always believed that I could love someone else's children just as I love my own.  However I have never had step children.  It might just be because of their age that you can't open up to them.  Its hard to love any teenager, reardless if you are the parent or step parent, they can be so out of control at that age, at least I know I was.  Just give it time & your feelings may change as they get older.  Good luck.

Answer 10

I have the same problem. I just don't feel close to him.  I want the best for him too.  I guess its ok as long as you don't hate him

Answer 11

Always be true to yourself and your feelings.  The only way you find out the answer to your question is through your own soul searching and counseling.  You are the one who has these feelings.  What may be normal to you may be abnormal to someone else.  

It would be abnormal if you mistreat them.  I think it is normal, if you treat them well and you show genuine care.  You have opened your heart to them...even though you stated you do not love them, because you show your love by caring, giving and being concerned about them.  As long as you are not neglecting them, I would believe this is normal.

Answer 12

I do not know if it is normal, but I do know that all stepmothers /stepfathers do not love their stepchildren...especially if they are bad......  Just because you love their father does not mean you will love them, it just does not happen that way... I think with all the add pressure of trying to just like them and adding them to your family you end up with no feeling at all..  

Answer 13

Well i dont think that makes you a bad person. Like you said you do care for them, but in the end they arent your real kids. They didnt come from you, you werent with them since the day they were born, i think its only natural you dont have the same connection. As long as you care for them like they are your own the i think your doing the best a step-mother can do!