Is it ok to have a "back up" bridesmaid?

Question

Here's the deal, my older sister is an english teacher and she travels for her job. She is currently home but her next job will take her to Hong Kong in December. She's pretty sure she won't be home for my wedding in May. She was supposed to be my matron of honor but since she's pretty much skipped out on dress shopping and helping in every other way, I think I'm going to have my best friend be my MOH. I still want my sister in the wedding but she's almost positive that she won't be able to come. She wants me to change the date to a month later so she can be there, but the thing is, I had the date picked before she decided to go to China and she knew about it. Is it ok to ask one of my friends to be a back up bridesmaid in case my sister doesn't show? Or would it be better just to plan on my sister not being there?

Answer 1

How is your friend going to feel being a "backup" and not your first choice?  Either ask her to stand with you or don't, not a "maybe".  BMs aren't placeholders - they the people who are the most important to you and who you want to stand with you.

As far as your sister, just plan on her being there and if she isn't able to show up, no big deal.  My MOH went onto bedrest 2 days before our wedding and wasn't able to be at the wedding.  She was listed in the program, but most people didn't inquire to where she was and those who did, I just told the truth.

Answer 2

I agree with most of the answers. I think you should just plan your sister out of the wedding. Being a "maid of honour" is a prestigous position. It usually says to the person that they mean a lot to you. Now if you remove that how do you think your friend would feel? Wedding can either make or break friendships so be careful of how you do your planning.  

Answer 3

You can't ask someone to be a back up and then if your sister can be there you kick the other person out.  It doesnt work that way.  I would just plan on your sister not being there and have someone else.  If she can make it after all then she attends as a guest.  no big deal.  As for being angry with her....I really dont think you have a right.  She cant give up a work opportunity just so she can be home for one day for your wedding.  Yes she knew about your wedding, but she also needs her job too.

Answer 4

DON'T CHANGE THE DATE YOUR SISTER KNEW WHEN IT WAS. YOU SHOULD ASK YOUR BEST FRIEND TO BE YOUR MOH. YOUR SISTER COULD BE SOMETHING ELSE SO SHE WILL NOT BE LEFT OUT AND JUST IN CASE SHE MAKES IT, BUT SOMETHING NOT TO BIG SO IF SHE DOESN'T MAKE IT IT WONT BE A BIG DEAL.

Answer 5

A back up bridesmaid is not okay, in the sense that you cannot ask a girl to be a bridesmaid just in case someone else can't do it.  Can you imagine how that would make her feel?  Like she was totally just a warm body to fill a slot in the line up.  You can't do that to a friend!

Ask someone else to be your MOH, tell your sister that you want her to be a b'maid, but understand that she probably can't.  Have her attend the book or something else; have another girl do it with her.  That way if she can't come at all, the other girl can totally handle the book by herself.

Answer 6

It's okay to have a Maid of Honor and a Matron of Honor. Then if one doesn't show, you're still okay.

Don't change your wedding date unless you really want to. Don't let her pressure you into it.  

Answer 7

Tell her that you need people in the bridal party that you know will be there and be able to help you.  I'm sure it's common knowledge that the MOH assists the bride in many ways from helping with the invitations, favors, coordinating the other bridesmaids, and throwing the bridal shower, etc.  

Plan on her not being there, but you could always tell her that if her schedule looks like it will change, you can add her as a bridesmaid.  She could still get a dress a couple of weeks before the wedding.  This way she doesn't feel like you are totally cutting her out.

Good luck!

Answer 8

If you have another friend you would like to ask, just ask her.  It may put your bridal party out of balance number-wise, but many people have different numbers of guys and girls.  If you end up with one extra bridesmaid, just have one groomsman walk two girls into the reception. If you sister can't make it, then you're still even in numbers.

Answer 9

I think that making someone a 'back up' bridesmaid will probably just cause an arguement and hurt someones feelings.  

Answer 10

you said your almost positive she wont come.If she wants you to change the date so she can be there.you know she wont be there .This is your day and you don't change things for anyone .Once you do that for her , then something else will pop up for you to change .STICK TO YOUR GUNS . Do whats in your heart

Answer 11

If your sister DOES come, what happens to your friend? It would be a waste of time & money if you have your friend buy a dress and go through all the preparation, then she gets let down when your sister shows up. I would rely on the friend since you KNOW she'll definetely be there.

Answer 12

Perfect have a back up! Always!!

Answer 13

Dont change the date, that was very rude of her to ask that of you! No one should ask you to do that unless they have a very good excuse, and for me, her being overseas is not a good excuse.

You cannot have someone go through the process of being part of the wedding party, only to tell them last minute "my sister can come, so its ok, i dont need you". I think you need to make the decision either to have her or not, but don't change your mind just because your first choice suddenly becomes available

What you can do is have 2 MOH, or one maid of honour and one matron of honour, or one MOH and one bridesmaid. So that way your best friend is still involved, which is how it should be once you ask her. Your friend can still give the speech she planned and stand by your side on your big day, and support you without feeling like she was second best. She can still organise your hens night or bachelorette party without being cast aside if your sister turns up

And if your sister DOES turns up, she can do the same thing and give a seperate speech, contribute to the hens night etc. And if she DOESNT turn up, then you still have your best friend there and you havent ruined any friendships

If your sister cannot give you a commitment now, it is absolutely fine to ask her to be a bridesmaid and not MOH. She shouldnt be upset at this, because she can't commit to the duties of MOH where as someone else can

But don't change your date for anyone, especially if they knew before hand. And don't have someone go through the process of being a matron of honour, only to drop them last minute because your first choice comes along.