Is it ok to say no in this situation?

Question

My grandfather, who we always called papa, committed suicide when I was in elementary school. I have struggled with it ever since, but as long as there are no reminders, I am usually ok.

I now have a 1 year old son and my father has asked to be called papa as well. I feel that it takes away from papa especially since my father was never a very good dad to me growing up. I was thinking that maybe we could call him poppy as it is close, but without the painful memories. Am I making a big deal out of nothing or is it ok to ask that he not be called papa? Also how do I go about telling my dad?

Answer 1

Yes its ok. Just sit down and talk to him and explain to him that that it is to painful to hear your little one call him papa because of your grandfathers memory. But it may just be your dad's way of honoring then memory of your grandfather.

Answer 2

Sit your dad down and tell him how you feel about the situation. Explain to him how you feel about your grandfather and everything. Instead of calling your dad papa, try popa or papaw(different prunciation). I dont believe that you are making a big deal about it, you were hurt and you dont need the painful memories.  

Answer 3

It is okay to ask him to choose something else but if you don't want to approach it directly then just start using the name you choose around your son and chances are your son will absorb it and start using that one as well.

Answer 4

I do understand your concern but ultimately its not about you or what you nor your father want to be called...you can refer to him how you want to the baby but when he starts speaking he will call him what he wants....Its not just you that has a painful memory im sure your father does too!  My dad wants to be called papa as well and his father died suddenly of a heart attack but its good to keep the tradition going.  How he was to you should not matter on what he should be called.  If hes a good grandfather and hes there now then thats what should matter!

Answer 5

I think it's totally fine for you to ask that.  I felt the same way in that my mother wanted to be called Mema.  That had been my grandmother's name and I frankly didn't feel that my mother measured up to the title.  We call her Granny instead, but as it turns out, she's been a much better grandmother than she was a mom.  I don't think you need to tell your dad that he's not special enough to be called papa or that it would take anything away from your memories of your own grandfather.  But you can tell him that the name holds special meaning to you as well as carrying some painful memories.  Let him know that you want him and his grandson to have their very own special relationship and feel that starts by him having his own name.  Then ask him how he feels about grandpa or poppy or pepa (what I called my own grandfather) or whatever other names you have in mind.  He should understand that.

Answer 6

I think it is time to move on.  That does not mean that someone you loved very much was not involved in a terrible tragedy.  

Papa is such a common term for grandfathers.  It is deeply embedded in our tradition.  If you had called your grandfather grandpa, granddad, etc, you would still face the situation.  

It is a new generation.  You son can use this term of love and respect.  Maybe your dad is trying to continue a family tradition. I think it may even help you after a while.  Papa is simple wonderful word for kids to use.

Talk to your dad about this.  I assume that your dad has mixed feelings about his father and the suicide.  I think that you both can work this out.

Answer 7

I think you should just tell your dad that you don't want your kids to call him the same thing that you called your grandfather as it brings up too many painful memories.  I think Poppy is a good compromise or Pop or Pops.  Just talk to your dad about it.  Surely he will understand.  If not, just always refer to him as Pop to your children and that will probably be what they call him.  

Answer 8

I think it's up to you in this situation.  You could just sit your father down and explain your feelings to him -- let him know that you feel that "papa" is reserved for your grandfather, who holds a very special place in your heart, and you would be willing to call him anything but that, then let him choose what he'd like to be called instead.  

My mother-in-law has already asked us if we'd mind referring to her as something other than "Grandma Smith", as she thinks of "Grandma Smith" as HER mother-in-law who she never got along with.  We're perfectly fine with coming up with another name -- I think it's nice when you can be honest with one another in a family and find a compromise that everyone is happy with!  

Answer 9

I have always felt that if it involves your life or could effect your life then you have a say so!!

Answer 10

Why don't you explain it to your dad the same way you did here?  He should understand.

Answer 11

Was this your father's dad?  If so, then maybe he wants to called papa because he has fond memories of his dad.

If not, then maybe explain to him why you don't want him to be called papa.  I think he would understand.  I come from an Italian family and we called my grandpa Poppy. So note that.  I don't know if Poppy is used in other nationalities.