Is it ok to totally rename a 9 year old who is going through a stepparent adoption?

Question

My husband is adopting my 9 year old. He wants to change my sons whole name. He wants to change it because he has his biological fathers name who is not in the picture at all. I think its too late to change my sons name.

Answer 1

NO.

Answer 2

no

Answer 3

No, you should definitely not change his whole name. That is ridiculous.

Change his last name if your son wants it, or you can hyphenate it.

But changing the name he goes by in school. That will be traumatic and confuse him, the school, his friends, and you!

Leave his name!!

Answer 4

You don't want to change your sons whole name. He is too old. If you force him to change his name now, you are telling him that he is not good enough, that he needs this change to be loved and accepted. Change the last name and leave the rest alone.

Answer 5

no it's totally not ok.  even if your son says that's what he wants it's still not ok - he's a kid and that is a big decision.  even if his bio dad is not in the picture your son's name has nothing to do with that.

Answer 6

Oh my goodness, Sharon, how could you even think of doing this? How could your husband think of doing this? Your son has known himself by this name for 9 years and it is interwoven with his identity. He is not an infant and not a pet and at 9 years old his first name should only be legally changed if he begged and badgered you about it for years.

I would stop the adoption right now, because insisting on changing your son's name is not the behavior of a loving father. This is the behavior of a spoiled and insecure child -- not someone I would want to coparent with! You were married to someone else. You had a child with someone else. Your husband needs to grow up and accept this.

And you need a backbone, girl! Why are you asking a bunch of strangers? You know the answer. Stand up for your son.

Answer 7

It is never too late but does your son want this? If he has gone through school and made friends with his name so far to change it may be confusing to him and others around him like friend, family and teachers. But if he is on board with the idea then best of luck to you all. :)

I was trying to be supportive. I personally think it isn't a good idea but if it is yours and your son's decision not the new hubby then it is your decision to make not ours. Sorry to whoever thought to thumbs down people trying to help. I wouldn't be happy with a hubby that couldn't handle my son being named after his father who mightn't be in the picture but is still a part of him.

Mum of 5 just trying to help.  :)

Answer 8

I think thats kind of rude, and its not just HIS decision to change YOUR childs names.

Besides, your kid seems old enough to know his name, and to go and change it is kind of ridiculous.

Answer 9

well, no matter how old the child is but he should have the right to decide if he want to change his name or not. and it is not for a parent or step parent or anyone eles to decide. think about it.

Answer 10

Only if your husband is willing to change his whole name. That way he can understand how upsetting it will be.

DID YOU READ JEN'S ANSWER? THIS HAPPENS, ESPECIALLY SINCE 911. THIS WILL BE A LIFE LONG STRUGGLE FOR THIS CHILD.

Thank's Jen for sharing your story. I have tried to explain this and people don't think I'm telling the truth.

Answer 11

Hey, I learned the answer to that question earlier today!  Its a big, fat NO.

Answer 12

NO IT IS NOT OK....and I'd be very concerned with your husband's disrespect for your son's past and his apparent insecurity.

To even suggest that at 9 shows it is all about him and his ego.

Answer 13

No, not a good idea.  

That said, I did read one instance of an older child adopted through foster care who wanted to change his entire name.  But he brought it up to his adoptive family, not vice-versa.  

So, I would say unless your son approaches you and your husband and wishes to entirely change his name, then no.  I believe it would be sending the wrong message to your son.

Answer 14

Uhh NO! Changing a nine year olds name would be cruel. Seriously. Why is your husband feeling threatened by a child's name? If the bio dad is not in the picture the name isn't really a reflection of him... It is a reflection of who your son is.

Answer 15

I think this is a resounding NO! A child's name should never be changed, h**l, I don't even believe in renaming dogs that I've gotten from the pound (who's original names were still known). A name is an identity, and unless he's in the witness protection program,  he has no reason to change his identity.

Answer 16

maybe you should change  your husband's name to EX HUSBAND.

Answer 17

I  think only if the son wants it changed to that.  It is his name and by 9, he and his friends are already comfort with that.  I think he is old enough to decide.

Another suggestion if the boy agrees is to use the whole name but still call him by his first name.  You will have to remind him though that he needs to use his "legal" name on imprtant documents.  Don't forget to notify social security and get him a new card.

Answer 18

I certainly dont think the whole name should be changed! I think thats wrong- he was given that name for a reason.

I have, however, had my daughters last name changed by deed poll- she had the same last name as me (my maiden name) and has nothing to do with her biological father.

When i got married i didnt want her to have a different last name, so hers changed officially on the day we got married- it was only a two letter change funnily enough- but she loves that she has the same last name as me. And at the age of 5 she has taken it on board so easily. i just didnt want the questions when she got older of why she has a different last name, and she thinks my husband is her dad at the moment anyway.

Last name change is one thing but to change their entire name- especially at the age of 9 is wrong, in my opinion.

Answer 19

there is no reason to change this child's name.  unfortunately, your husband is being a bit single-minded here.  the fact that your son's bio-father is not involved is irrelevant.  this child's name is his identity. not merely an extension of a past relationship.

i vote no.

Answer 20

I'm on the other side of the coin.  My stepfather adopted myself and two younger sisters many years ago.  Before the adoption we sat down and discussed what we wanted.  Our biological father was a really sorry individual.  We sisters were glad to have the opportunity to change our last name.  Youngest sister was 9, other was 12, I 16.  

It never occurred to us to change our entire name.  However, at the conclusion of the adoption proceedings the judge asked us what name we wanted to be referred to in future.  We asked what he meant by that.  He stated that if we wanted to change any part of our name it would be okay.  Right there one the spot my youngest sister dropped her first name, changed the spelling of her second name, and added an additional middle name.  She has never regretted the decision.  The middle sister and I only added an additional middle name and changed our last names.  Now all three sisters have the same middle name.

Please allow your son to voice his opinion in this matter.  If he doesn't want to change his name and your husband does anyway-your son may grow to resent the change.  Make sure your husband is not thinking this adoption is an exchange of property formally held by your ex.  Please take your son's opinion into consideration.

Answer 21

I actually know someone who this happened to.  His mother would have his stepfather adopt him and would change his name to whatever the new stepfather's was.  She married three different times after she divorced his biological dad so by the time my friend was eighteen, he had lived with four (FOUR!) different first and last names.

He was extremely screwed up as a person.

Please do not change your child's first name at age 9.  You will regret it.

Answer 22

omg.

Answer 23

Tell you husband he should change his name instead.  I mean it makes about as much sense, doesn't it?

Answer 24

Absolutely not! At nine he is old enough to remember things for life. Just because bio dad is no longer in the picture, that does not mean he never existed. Your son is going to grow up someday and ask why his step father renamed him. Leave it to your son to decide if he wants to be his father's name sake (when he is old enough to decide) not your husband.

Answer 25

Okay that is the strangest thing I have ever heard, change the first and middle name also??? As far as the last name, I think that he is big enough to ask the question to.

Answer 26

You are right.  It's not appropriate to change his name.  If, when  your child is older, he decides on his own to change his name then so be it.  But, I think it's rather unfair of you husband to want your son to change something as intimate to who he is as his own name.

Answer 27

no dont change his name, that is who he is, his father is a totally different person that your son.

Answer 28

no. by 9 this kids name is his identity.

Answer 29

Just a brief story for you: I was adopted by a step parent at age 8 and my name was changed to reflect his name. For some reason this also changed my official birth certificate which was re-issued to claim the step parent as my birth parent.

Fast forward 20yrs. My step parent (although I know it is not always the case) was a horrendous parent and abused us so I wanted to reclaim my original birth name. I had to pay to have my name changed BACK to my birth name and although I can access a copy of my original birth certificate it is stamped in big red letters with NOT FOR OFFICIAL USE. This means that I still have to use the ammended birth certificate with my step parents name on it in combination with my "change of name certificate" to prove my identity.

Last year I applied for an Australian passport. I am an Australian citizen and have been my entire life, I was born here to Australian parents BUT my step parent was English. When analysing my paperwork for my passport application I was advised that my birth certificate indicated I was born to my step parent and my birth was not registered for 8 years after I was born. According to the passport office this was "dodgy" and I had to go to great lengths to prove I am who I say I am.

What I am trying to say is that I STILL don't understand what gives anyone the right to alter an official document such as a birth certificate. I have spoken with my mother about this and how selfish I believe she was to change my name and how much I resent that for the rest of my life I will have that low life listed as my parent on the official documented record of my birth.

PLEASE DON'T change your sons name. That is up to him to do when he is old enough to understand. Your husband should understand that he married you & took on your son with his name. If you want to make things easier on your son in terms of being part of the family just casually change his surname to match your family name but DO NOT change any official documentation as you will regret it in the long run.

My mum is so sorry for what she "thought was the right thing to do under the circumstances" and it will never rest easy with me that she did it at all.

Good luck.

Answer 30

NO THATS WRONG

think of what ur son wonts

Answer 31

Your son may have been named for his father, but it is not his father's name. It is your son's name. It is likely the name of a number of other people also. But it is the name that your son has identified with for 9 years, and shouldnt be changed unless he wishes it to be. Even if you do ask his consent/opinion, you need to formulate a better reason.