Is it okay to give up your baby for adoption if you're married?

Question

I had a pregnancy scare a few months ago and it terrified my fiance and I. We're both 18 and while we want children more than anything we want them VERY far in the future. I'm on depo provera but my doctor told me she'd schedule my shot for me and I was a whole 5 weeks late getting a shot because of it. Then I had symptoms of pregnancy some normal ones some not so normal ones (nasea, migraines, being...um...extra lubricated all the time, weird dreams, and light spotting, etc). I took a test and it was positive. But a week and a half later my doctor performed a pregnancy test and it was negative. She said it was probably a chemical pregnancy. Anyways it scared us badly we're not ready financially or emotionally. We'll be married in a few months...but somehow if I do get pregnant before we're ready even if we're married we'd want to give the baby up for adoption. When I told my mom this she gasped like it was taboo. What's the deal? Does marriage change it?

Answer 1

it is fine also if you dont want ppl to know you can put a hood on and take it to a fire dept. or somthin hey will tak it

Answer 2

As a person who was put up for adoption for this very reason, this makes me incredibly sad to read.

My parents were 18 and 19 years old when I was born, young and not "financially stable", my mom loved me very much and wanted me, but my dad felt they weren't ready.  So it was decided that a more "deserving" family should have me.  Six months later, they got married.

NOBODY considered how I might feel about any of this.

I would have preferred to stay with my OWN family.

I don't care if we had lived in a cardboard box under a bridge.  Being given away by my mother was the single most painful experience I have ever had to deal with.  It is soul crushing.  It causes deep psychological scars that last a lifetime.  

I had the BEST adoptive family one could ask for, but that doesn't take away the fact that MY MOTHER GAVE ME AWAY.  SHE ABANDONED ME.  Do you know how hard that is for a child to process?  Do you know how painful that is to deal with...to have to wonder, EVER DAY of your life if your OWN MOTHER even thinks of you?  If she loved you?  If maybe she's thinking of you one day a year on your birthday?  I was a sad, lonely little girl, and your baby will be too, if you do that to him/her.

ADOPTION IS LOSS FOR THE CHILD.

I wish more people would stop and realize that.

ETA:  Condoms are cheap and pretty easy to find too, you know.

Answer 3

if its best for the baby, then i think it would be better to give it up for adoption. But since your going to be married, do you think you would regret it? i know you might not be ready to have a baby, but its still your baby and you are bound to love it. anyways, its whats best for the baby

Answer 4

I believe that if you have the best interests of the child in hand, and will continue to love that child and work with the adoptive parents, it can be alright.

The main thing is to use at least 2 forms of birth control.  BC is only effective 99% of the time.  At once every 3 days, that's pregnant in a year's time.

Many people, and especially parents would be shocked if you were to place a child for adoption.  Please try to not get pregnant is the main thing, and thank God you weren't before.

Answer 5

If you really can't handle a child right now then it is probably best to step up the birth control to make extra sure you don't get pregnant (however if you have s*x you must be prepared for the possiblility of pregnancy).  Maybe keep having the shots and use condoms too as an extra precaution as the combination will greatly reduce your chances of pregnancy.  If you did become pregnant and knew you couldn't care for the baby properly for whatever reason then it would be perfectly okay to consider adoption as there are infertile couples desperate for a baby who would make wonderful parents and you would be giving them a wonderful gift.  However once there is a baby inside you who is half you half your husband you may feel unable to part with it and want to find some way to make ends meet and raise it.

Answer 6

I think anytime you feel like you can't keep a child, adoption is the best option over abortion.

Answer 7

Yes.

Answer 8

Babies are not something that you discard just because you don't want them.  If you don't want a child, don't get pregnant!  If you can't get your shot don't have s*x.  You need to be responsible for your actions.  Use a little self control.

Answer 9

Part of what makes it "taboo" is that marriage is a serious lifelong commitment, and so is raising a child, which is an intricate part of married life (to have a family). If you are prepared to make a commitment to marriage then I think you should be prepared to raise a child if one were to come along. If you do not feel ready to be a parent, then you have a responsibility to take as many preventative measures as possible. There's the shot, the pill and there's always condoms... or sleeping on the couch when you are ovulating.. Your marriage doesn't exactly inspire confidence when you should be planning your wedding and getting excited about your new lives and where you are going to live, but instead you are making an adoption plan for a child that doesn't yet exist.

It's very simple: If you are NOT ready, DO NOT get pregnant.

I seriously doubt your marriage would survive a relinquishment.

Answer 10

I don’t blame you I wouldn’t want to raise a child in immense poverty either.  People think love is enough. It is very important don’t get me wrong but love does not put cloths on your child’s back, a roof over their head or food in their stomach, love does not pay your bills.

That said use as much birth control as you can your on the shot good, he should always wear condom. If you did get pregnant and you two don’t feel ready and want to place the child for adoption no one can stop you. You just have to do what you think is best for the baby and yourselves.

Answer 11

If you get pregnant it is your responsibility to raise and love your child. Most people can't afford it. But having my son know that I loved and cherished him despite struggling financially is far more gratifying than him finding me 18 years from now only to find out that he had other siblings. Children should not be considered an inconvenience. Don't have s*x if you refuse to handle your responsibilities.

Answer 12

It is ALWAYS right to do what is in the best interests of the child, and if you don't feel that you could raise it properly, then of course it isn't best for you to forge on anyways.

  These people who say that 'the birthmother is always' best should trust the birthmother's (in this case, you) right to make choices for the future of the child.

Answer 13

Just in case it should happen.. . .

First, if everyone waited until they were completely ready for a child, the human race would have died out a long time ago.

Before you put a baby up for adoption, make sure you know what you're getting into.  Talk to women who have done it.  I'm not sure those of us that haven't experienced it can really imagine it.

If after you've researched it you and feel it's the best thing for the child, then trust your instincts.  Just realize that many adoptees have a lot of resentment (sorry, it's the best word I could come up with) about being adopted even if they had great lives with their adoptive parents.

Answer 14

well, I wouldnt but you could, my mom was pregnat w/ me at 17. but i lived w/ my grandparents, but hey, its yalls decision, whatever you feel is best, is best. lol

Answer 15

I would think very hard about it and make sure that it is the right decision for the both of you. Abortion is something that would be to final and it is something that I would hope you would never consider. I believe if you feel that strong about not having children right now then adoption would be a great gift to someone that is unable to have children. This could also be a great gift that could be close to home and you could see your child being raised by a loving family. I would definitely consider someone close to the family so you do not miss out on this child. Things can change for you and your soon to be husband. No one is really 100% prepared to have a child. You will always have fears of being able to take of your children. You will always wonder, am I a good parent. Just think about it and know what it is that you want to do. If adoption is what you want to do then know that you have given someone a beautiful gift. Good luck in the future.

Answer 16

Dear Mikael,

My husband and I were in our early 20's when we relinquished our first to supposed "friends" in what was promised to be an "open" adoption. They did not keep their promise but instead cut us our of our daughter's life as soon as the adoption was finalized. ("Open" adoptions are NOT enforcable not matter what you have heard.) We have been married for 11 years and have two more children. BOTH of us regret the decision and have to live with it everyday. It ALMOST destroyed our marriage.

I would suggest you research adoption and its effects on first parents before ever entertaining that thought again! Wouldn't hurt to talk to some adoptees either - you might like to know how your child might feel about it.

I hope you will consider using a reliable method of birth control until you are "ready" to have a child. Good luck to you both!

Answer 17

you will be a great mom someday.you are caring and unselfish. do what you think is needed in this situation,and everyone including the baby will be alright.

Answer 18

Yes I think marriage does change it. You find away to take care of that kid. Find a new job or get help from family. I think a child comes when its ready, not when  you are. It always seems to happen that way. Personally I would never give up a child up even if I wasn't married. I know quite a few people that were single and struggled but they made sure they provided for that child. A lot of these women were teenagers. Think about it really hard before you make such a big decision.

Answer 19

What's the deal??

Um, you are wanting to give your potential child to a stranger to raise as their own. While there are thousands of children in need of good homes, "Need" is not what you have.....Your child needs his mother most of all. To give him up b/c of poor planning and an inability to follow basic preventative measures is a bit selfish....considering the lifetime of pain he will endure....especially when he finds out that you are perfectly capable of raising him and even have a support group and a fiance....you just didn't feel like being a mother. Suggestion: If you don't feel like being a mommy, don't have s*x or don't have unprotected s*x. That measure is far better for both you, your fiance, and MOST IMPORTANTLY the child who must grow up feeling unwanted and abandoned.

<<adoptive mommy through foster care.

EDIT: Yes, I am saying it is better for a good and loving natural mother and father to raise their biological child--regardless of income levels and experience--over handing him off to someone else to raise. Further, I am ACTUALLY saying it is better to not have s*x or have protected s*x if you are not ready to make a baby that you don't intend to care for. That may sound harsh, but your question is far more harsh than you can imagine if you can't see how giving your child to someone else (for non abuse/neglect issues--i.e. b/c you want to) permenantly changes his entire life. There are plenty of people who make less money and have less experience than you do who still raise their children.

Answer 20

I think you are truly looking out for the best interest of the child from your view point.  The decision should be made between you and your husband not what everyone else tells you.  If you feel in your heart, soul and mind that it would be in the best interest of your child to put them up for adoption then that is what should happen.  It is a very mature approach to the situation to actually sit back and look at all avenues, love, stable parents, cost of raising a child.  

Marriage does not change anything, as long as husband and wife both agree to the adoption the baby could be placed.

Answer 21

I think it is completely fine.  There are TONS of couples who are infertile who are looking to adopt and they could give a child a great life. In the end, wouldn't the child be happy they got to live the life they deserve and had more opportunities open to them since they were raised with parents who could handle the responsibility of having a child. (My friend was adopted, and this is how she feels. I know this is not how every adopted child feels.) It is okay to give up a child if you don't feel ready, and adoption is a better option than abortion. No one should be forced into parenthood when they know they can't adequately care for a child. It's not like it's the great depression and there are thousands of starving children on the streets, or in orphanages. If you were to give your child to a couple who couldn't have children and wanted a child, and let your child have a better life, that's not bad. That's honorable, and I for one would respect you for doing it. Good luck and best wishes on your wedding!