Is it possible that many A-parents and Pap's simply put down nmoms that have relinquished their child.....?

Question

simply because they can't biologically have children and feel its unfair because they think they would make better parents and/or are more deserving?

I personally have met people that are like that and are not emotionally intelligent enough to see it. Its so emotionally damaging to the a-child to have to live around it.

Answer 1

I DON"T think that "many" adoptive parents or PAP's put down birth moms as you suggest--EVER.  I think that MOST adoptive parents are thankful for the biological parents of their adopted children and are very much aware of the sacrifice that they make.  Most of us consider parenting a privelege.  She gave birth to our child and she will be loved to our dying days even though we have never met her.

Answer 2

Actually IRL I have encountered the opposite. All of the PAPs and APs I know are always defending their child's first mother from the general public. When we first came home from China, many people would sneer and say "who could have just thrown her away", "what's wrong with women over there" and other nasty sentiments. I assure you, they don't dare try that with me anymore. Now that we are adopting through foster care, we have heard: "those people are scum", "they should be sterilized." and so on. Again, I had to state that any talk against my child's or future child's original parents would not be tolerated. Before our first adoption people would also rage about how unfair the world was that a child abuser could have children where "people like you" cannot. In their eyes, they were being supportive, and like Gaia said, before we adopted, we ate up that line too. I don't believe that anymore. People are not fertile or infertile because they deserve to be. It just is.

Answer 3

Yes there probably are people like that out there.

Me and my husband however are not like that and there are a lot of people out there that don't really care about WHO the parents are just as long as the CHILD is happy and safe.

Some people think they're more deserving but if they think that then they really aren't. Adoption is a painful process. But life does go on, and there are plenty chances out there.

Answer 4

Interestingly during our homestudy and our courses, the paps with this attitude were weeded out quickly. The social workers highly stressed the respect and compassion needed toward nmoms in order for the children to feel a positive sense of self. It was amazing how they did the weeding out. One by one, paps dropped out (or were kicked out I think) as they made statements that were contrary to this belief. If a couple did not at least present as "child-centered" they were eliminated from the pap pool. Respecting the natural parents in front of the kids was imperative, no matter how you really felt, and if you could not provide this than it was a deal breaker.

From everything I am reading on-line, the U.S doesn't always adhere to these types of guidelines while choosing paps.

Answer 5

Absolutely, it is called entitlement.

Answer 6

What do you call many? 1 is too many.

From what I see it's mostly people NOT related to adoption putting down first moms. I see it even more with biological families who bad mouth the other parent.

Some examples would be helpful

Answer 7

I see the opposite, many AP's and PAP's bite their tongue when it comes to speaking the entire truth of their story.

But, on a side note, I read quite often in your posts that you "know" many unethical people.  Maybe you should look for some new friends.

Answer 8

I'm with School Nurse and StillTtc

There are not "many" adoptive parents that put down firstmoms.  You guys are just seeing the world through hate-colored glasses.  The majority of Paps and Aps think that relinquishing mothers are just in a tough place and trying to make the best decision they can.  

The only ones I put down are those that murder a child, whether born or unborn.

Most of us realize that no one is more "deserving" of raising a child than it's biological mother (barring abuse, substance abuse, etc situations).  But, unlike many here... we ALSO realize that there are many women who get pregnant and do not WANT to raise a child right then, OR think it's better for the child to be put up for adoption.. As long as there are women who are getting pregnant when they are not prepared to parent, there WILL be adoption. There will also be parenting, which is better in most cases, but still not all women chose that.   You cannot FORCE women to parent their child.. That would not be good for the child.  

So, I don't judge first mothers, as I said, I assume that they're just in a hard place and trying to make the best decision they can.  I don't put them down or think I'd make a better parent. But I think I WOULD make a good parent, and  if they don't want to be a parent, then, "they know where to find me", so to speak.  

But it seems perfectly okay for people on this board to "put down" Aps and PAPs. I could be like you and make sweeping assumptions that it's because you all (the ones attacking PAPs/APs constantly) are either bitter from being "abandoned"  or bitter at  their first mother (in the 60's) being "forced" to give them up... or deluding themselves into thinking that all firstmoms must have been forced to give up their child... so they take it out on the AP and PAPs and assume we're all snooty-entitled greedy baby-stealers

Answer 9

I'm sure that there are people like that out there.  As an adoptive mom, I regret not being able to carry and give birth to a child - it would be something special to be able to have shared with our daughter, but that just wasn't to be.

However, most adoptive parents I know actually have *more* respect and honor for the women who have had the strength and courage to carry through with a pregnancy and to decide to place that child for adoption - whatever the reason may be.  

I will always be able to tell my daughter that the first person to love her was her birthmom, or natural mom if you prefer.  I talked with her several times, and I know that the choice she (Bmom/Nmom) made was because she LOVED that little girl.  

Unfortunately in our case, the natural parents moved and chose not to leave us their forwarding address or number, so we no longer have contact with them.  It honestly saddens me, because I know them to be good people, and people who I would have liked to have in my life as well as our daughter's.  

I don't want to seem as if I'm disrespecting your question, because I'm not in any way.  There certainly are some ignorant or arrogant adoptive parents out there.  I just want to assure you that not everyone is like that.  At the bare minimum, I would never have been a mom without the love that J had for the baby she bore, and I can never, ever forget that!  She was - and remains - my angel.

Answer 10

Before I got educated about adoption, I was like that.  Without knowing about all the intricacies in the adoption world, it made sense to me that adoption was simple..."birthmother" would obviously be a terrible mom because she doesn't love/want/care for her child.  "Adoptive mother" would obviously be a better mother because she put in so much time and effort to become a mom, really wants a child, would do anything for her child.

That view seems to make sense to those who don't hear the realities of adoption.  We're not trying to be mean.  I've had TONS of conversations with people along the lines of what I wrote above.  I cringe to think about it now, but it's true.  I had no idea...NONE.  I came here, and got myself REAL educated REAL fast that adoption is not this beautiful thing that people think it is.  Thank goodness I learned the reality before becoming an adoptive parent.

And because I haven't said it recently, thanks to all the adoptees and first parents who raise their fists and voices and make us listen!  My future children and I thank you!

Answer 11

Well, it's possible for the ones you have met obviously.  But definitely does not happen with the ones I know.

The AP/PAPs I know are wonderful people who would not put down anyone let alone the mother/s of their children.  It is not only unkind, but would be taken as an insult to our children as well.  Seriously I am glad I don't know people like that.

If I were you, I wouldn't associate with the ones you know.  Perhaps you could put them in their place next time you meet them.

Answer 12

because to feel "entitled to" or "deserving of" a child, you have to believe that someone else was not entitled to and was less deserving of the same child.   that way, you don't have to feel guilty about the joy and love you have received from that child and how another mother is forever grieving the loss and in pain.  if you can feel that "she brought it on herself" then the guilt can be shed.

Answer 13

First of let me start by saying that all AP's are NOT infertile...I have a biological child as well.  Secondly, don't you EVER get tired of ranting about AP's?  I am sure that there are many AP's that feel entitled, but there are many that have become educated are strive to do everything in the best interest of the child...no matter how it makes them feel.  I have NEVER met an adoptive parent that had negative things to say about the natural parents.  You take a handful of the population and make a nationwide generalization and it is beginning to get despicable.  Grow up and realize like is more than black and white...it takes all types...even wackos like you.  I am really starting to believe that you are an adoptive parent who forced a mother to give up their child and now you are reflecting all of your shame and hate onto others.  There could be no other reason why you would waste so much time with displaced anger.  Please feel free to block me as you do the others that do not buy into your hypocracy!

Answer 14

Yes, there are some people like that.  I think they are the ones that still haven't gotten over their infertility issues, and the feelings of inadequacy that ensue.  That doesn't mean they are bad people.  It is understandable to be jealous of a fertile woman, and wonder why she wouldn't jump at the chance to keep her child.  But I do think that those issues should be resolved BEFORE an adoption takes place.