Is it possible to avoid former friends or do you have to deal with it at some point?

Question

I had a 12 year friendship that ended a year ago. In a letter, the friend initially disparaged me completely and suggested that she will never associate with me ever again.

I never showed a reaction or a response to all the nasty, disgusting things that she said even though they were hurtful.

But over time I think she has been trying to mend the friendship. She reaches out to me occasionally. She has made about 4 attempts. The other day she sent me an email asking "how are you?"

Every time I just ignore all the efforts. I wonder if this is right what I do. Part of it is that I can't get over what she wrote about me in the letter. She said she would never associate with me again and she acted like she was doing me a favor by being friends with me all this time. I can't understand why she's trying to reconnect with me now if she feels this way and I don't know what to do. I think at some point I'm going to have to face this but I don't know how to do it.

Answer 1

fix the friendship, no matter how much you try not to associate with her your probably gonna find your self talkin to her one day, if you were such good friends try to stay good friends, yes you are going to have to face it one day there is no way to run from it, and even if you do its going to follow you just become friends again and save all the unnecessary drama and argueing for something thats worth it your gonna end up friends again one way or an other, just forgive her for the things she has said and done and become friends again

Answer 2

Have you ever seen the movie Pearl Harbor, where these 2 guys are friends since childhood, one of them dies overseas, his buddy gets together with his girl after 6 months, only for them to discover he's still alive? Well seeing how they were buddies for so long, their resulting fight [over the girl] was very painful. They were angry, and felt betrayed. But I knew as I watched the movie, that they would re-connect. When you are friends for SO LONG. eventually the anger goes away, and you re-gain that friend.

So, what happened RIGHT BEFORE she wrote that letter? There must have been a misunderstanding of SOME sort for her to get angry enough TO write the letter. In the throes of an all consuming anger, people say all sorts of things they don't mean. On the other hand, you not reacting to the letter was the right thing to do. It is  impossible for an angry person to stay mad if there is NO reaction to their words.

For example, if you watched any of the Olympics, then you know about that wrestler guy who stood down from the podium [where he just received a bronze medal], put the medal on the mat, tried to attack the judges and referees that gave him 3rd place, then stormed out of the stadium, all pissed off. Talk about dissing a country! He made HIS country look selfish and petty. A few days later, once people told him how the world saw what he had done, he apologized, wanting his medal back. My point is that hard anger wears off after a while, reality steps back in, and the angry person sees things as they  REALLY were.

Your friend is trying to make up with you, Period. Everyone says things they regret later. Kids yell "I HATE YOU!" at parents; parents hold grudges for stupid reasons; brothers and sisters grow distant, and yes, friends have spats. But when the friendship is a long one, things mend. If you miss her [outside thinking about the letter thing], you know she is reaching out to you. Answer her e-mail so she at least knows you're okay. You don't have to get all pals-forever mushy, just a polite e-mail, and take it from there. We all say things we regret, dear; being hot-tempered is a way of life for some people. You did the right thing bu not reacting to her hurtful mail, but you need to set that aside if YOU want to mend your friendship.

Answer 3

If you feel you cannot be friends with her any longer but still want to know what happened, then be straight. When she is asking how you are, just send her an email back saying we need to talk when do you have time. then lay down straight. Then remind her what she had said to you and ask her why she is trying now. Still hold yourself in the same manner that you have been.

I think you handled the whole thing amazingly to be honest.

Answer 4

if i were you i would speak to her and say..

"look i don't think i want to be friends with you anymore after that horrible letter, if you really liked me, writing that letter would never have crossed your mind."

Personally i would never be friends with anyone if they sent me a letter like that. To have wrote a letter like that there must have been something inside her saying that she didn't like you so what if there still is that now but she is just trying to use you as maybe she is lonely.

if i were you i would stay clear of her

Answer 5

I would suggest the minimum polite response. Say 'hi' but continue walking if you see her. Answer the text saying ' I am very well thank you'. Don't give any opportunity to criticize you but she doesn't sound like a friend worth having so stay clear!

Answer 6

I've been in a similar situation as yours. It is easy to say forgive and talk it out. I did that and after a year of discussing the matter, I still have a wall in between us. Mainly b/c dealing with her, I could have gotten drugged and I know how she is as a person. So I say all of that to say after 12 years, you know her better than we do.

You know whether or not she is genuine or trying to be your friend for her own personal selfish reasons. I forgave but I was never able or wanted to have that friendship again. I believe some people grow apart and if she isn't a positive influence in your life then she isn't worth it. Move on if you know she REALLY doesn't mean well. My ex friend would talk about people right after she got off the phone......things like that. If you are a better person NOW than before being without her then let it go. It is about you being a better person not you being a doormat. Good luck.