Is it possible to break the ties that bind?

Question

Is blood thicker than water? What do you believe? Is the adopted child just as much part of the family, just as valued, just as loved, as a biological child? My own experience says No.

Has anyone else had the experience as an adoptee of being less than important as than the biological children? I, for one, was left out, made less important than the "blood relatives".

If you were an adoptee or an adoptive parent....How do you deal with the fact that the adoptee isn't blood related?

Answer 1

I think it works well for some families not for others. There are lots of GOOD people, who have the best of motives and intentions when adopting.

In my own case, the bio child was favoured....extremely so. I was 7 years older than the bio child. (who I loved very much and saw as MY sibling) As  young teen, I was told to be in my room by 8pm or OUT, so they (adoptive parents) could have time together as they were 'real' family and needed that time.  Along with a lot of abuse, the message was clear.

They paid for their child to do LOTS of hobbies, fencing, horse riding etc etc etc....NOTHING for me. Their child's education was paid for. I was told, they would not allow me to go back to school once 15 years old, so had to go look for work with little schooling.

Being less than bio children, was the norm in my family from both sides of the family.....even though, I was related by blood to adoptive mother's side of the family.  

I know my adoptive family is NOT normal, and I used to think, my family were unusual, sadly I've found it is NOT the case. There are twisted people out there, some just s***w up their own kids, some adopt and s***w up others too.

Answer 2

i am an adoptee and yes i felt that blood is thicker than water. i was treated FAR different in all of my 14 foster homes in acception of the ones that didnt have their own kids. i was almost adopted when i was very young and i can say taht i do believe that they treated me right but i dont believe they had their own children. i was almost adopted with my younger sister when i was 6 and i will say that they had their own son whom they did not lock outside in their backyard all day. they did treat my little sister much better than me (beings she was 4) she was lucky enough to get a normal size room (me? no of course not) and actually seemed to love her. i do believe that there are people out there that do accept their adopted children as their own but i would say that it is very rare and even more rare if they have their own children.

Answer 3

I wasn't treated differently - as such - but my adoptee head sure thought I wasn't as important as my a-parents bio kids (both older than me by 13/14 yrs).

I thought that - because my own mother didn't keep me - that I wasn't good enough - so there was no way my a-mother would love me as much as the kids she gave birth to.

I was also different genetically - with a very different temperament - and I know that I was hard to raise at times.

(my a-mum didn't have the in-grained skills to know what I needed - because I wasn't the same genetic make-up as her and her bio kids)

I felt unlovable.

She tried.

She did all she could.

(except for not letting me talk about my adoption - but they were told back then to not talk about anything)

But no matter what she did - I couldn't shake the feeling that I wasn't as good as my sibs.

Now - I'm much older - my a-mum passed away when I was 18 - I'm still very close to my sibs - and I know - that I was very important in her life - I even got more in her will - as I was the piano player - so I got her precious baby grand piano!!!

(in fact - my sibs have now talked about their sometimes jealousy of me when I was younger - as I took so much attention away from them)

But my adoptee mind - when I was young - made me think that I wasn't worthy of equal place in the family.

I did have a horrid step-father from when I was 15 though - and he always told me to be grateful - in fact - he was a total ***.

I could never do anything right.

But he treated his own kids like dirt - he just had more ammo on me - as I was adopted!!

Very verbally abusive.

Answer 4

I don’t think blood is thicker then water, that is a silly statement imo. I feel love is thicker then anything.

That is really too bad PC I am truly sorry for that. People shouldn’t adopt if they don’t feel they could love and treated the child the same as a blood child. If it’s just outside family I would have cut contact completely or just seen those people on rare occasions.

I am lucky that I was never treated any differently then blood family. I also felt just as loved as any other family member.

Answer 5

I believe that it doesn't matter. It really can be two sided whether adopted or bio. I feel not as valued or loved compared to my sister and we are both bio. My family absolutely loves and adores my daughter although she is adopted as much if not more than my nephews, I feel it all has to do with personality and how your comfortable with yourself versus if your biological or adopted.

Answer 6

My dd is related to my side of the family so it is a little different for us. I can tell you I never really think of her as my "adopted" child. We are so busy living life that I really do not think about it. Now of course we have discussions about adoption and I answer all her questions. It is a matter-of-fact detail in our life that does not define us as a family.

I can tell you I am sadden that there are many adoptees who have had this experience. I am so sorry. I have taken this to heart and have made sure that every feeling or emotion she expresses is given validity. I feel very fortunate that she is so open at such and young age about her feelings. I think it is because we have always left the door open for discussion.

One thing that does concern me is that since we are so close if we were to adopt another child that is not "blood related" they may feel left out.

By the way it is very nice to have you back! You have been missed :-)

Answer 7

The only people in my family that had a hard time accepting our adoption is my cajun cousins in the deep south.  And that was more on the basis of race, than adoption.  We see them maybe once a decade, never talk to them, so we aren't counting it as any great loss.  There's no reason to expose my children to this.  

I guess I'm not sure how to answer the part about how we "deal with" the fact that our children from adoption aren't blood related to us.  We accepted this when we chose to adopt.  I don't look for my genetic characteristics to be expressed in my children because they aren't there.  My daughter has a wonderful artistic talent, but I draw stick figures (badly).  My younger son is gifted athletically and I am... not (to put it mildly).  Our children were screened for health issues (ie: sickle cell) more common to their ethnicity and national origin.  We are okay with this and have always been okay with this.  

Family is family, whether by blood or not.

Answer 8

I dont think much of that saying, but I do know this;  I would severe ties with any member of my (bio) family at a drop of a hat if they ever treated my children differently (in a bad way) from any other member of the family because they are adopted.  Not a second thought would even enter my head, they would be gone from my life (only after I give them a piece of my mind).  

I don't care because people who would do that are mean and do not deserve to be anywhere near my wonderful children, who I love more than ANYONE!!!.

Answer 9

My mother adopted me and treated me as her own.  She married and her new husband adopted me and before their devorce he treated me as his daughter but after the devorce he had very little to do with me and when he died left me out of his will.  I loved him very much and on his death bed he said he loved me too.   He left a small amount to my two daughters but I felt hurt he did not include me.  I am over it now and still love him deeply even though he is gone for now.

Answer 10

Heck I look around at our extended relatives and am glad my children are not from our gene pool!  kidding aside, it is not an issue for us, the bonding though takes awhile longer, but for us we just lvoe our children for who they are, whether they are by blood or not.

Answer 11

Hi Problem Child,

Its nice to see you again!

Hmmmm is blood thicker than water?  Because of my up bringing no.  I was always the black sheep of my family b/c i spoke my mind.  I remember telling my parents they needed to divorce at age 4.  My family cut all ties with me when i refused to let my drunk child molesting father access to my daughters.  So my family are my husband and close friends.  Ya know non-blood related people = sane people.  LOL

So blood or not, i'm your mother and your stuck with me.  The more you are challenging the more i will smoother you with love.  I won't let you push me away, cause i know all about that.  You deserve to be loved and i'll be here every day in your face to remind you of that.  Blood schmud.  You are my daughter and i'm your mother, like it or not.

Yep i'm a little overbearing but you learn to love me:)

i guess because i was the one left out of my family, i just couldn't do that to any child.  I remember the pain.  I'm sorry you had to experience that too.

Answer 12

I have 3 adopted nieces. They have never been treated differently from the other nieces and nephews - about30 total. Not just me but by everything in the family.

Answer 13

I wouldn't have ever adopted had I felt that I couldn't love my children equally. I find that even with bio children, there is often one child that is favored by one or both parents...b/c of similarities, abilities, personality, looks, etc. I don't think this is specifically an adoption issue....but an issue of people being able to relate to their children. My bio parents never treated me and my sister equally...I was always treated better.

If I didn't believe I could be a different kind of parent from my own parents, I would have stopped the process....b/c I never want my child to go through what my sister experienced, what you experienced....that isn't remotely fair.

Answer 14

I'm so sorry that your experience was as you said. I have a biological daughter who is 18 and a son through adoption who is 12. There is no question in my mind that they are both loved tremendously and are each valuable and members of our family in all ways. It sounds like your situation was not that way and I am so sorry about that. I have no idea how old you are but, I strongly advise you to find a good therapist to work with. Love from parents is an incredibly significant thing in a person's life and we all need to and deserve to know that we are loved and wanted. I was not adopted myself but, nonetheless I never felt loved by my mother and this has been an issue my whole life. My mother died a long time ago and I have spent so many years being angry at her for not loving me and not understanding me and not providing me with the love we all need. It is only very recently that I am now no longer so angry but, am now very sad over what I missed out on. I have been working with a truly excellent therapist and she has made a huge difference in my life. I have worked with many therapists over the years and most of them have been good but, there is a huge difference between someone who is "good" (and unfortunately there are bad therapists out there too so, you do need to be aware of that) and someone who is excellent. Find someone who has worked with adoptees before and someone who you initially feel a connection with and feel comfortable with. You will be going through some major emotional stuff together and you want someone whom you can trust and who can challenge you and perhaps even scare you but, ultimately someone who will support you and take care of you through this process. I so much know that blood is NOT thicker than water and I hope you will find the love you deserve.

Answer 15

If blood is thicker than water, then love is thicker than blood.  My daughter is loved every bit as much as the biological children in the family.  SHe is treated equally in every way and family members on both sides drop by often to visit.

We also have friends who have become family members becasue o their closeness to us.  We celebrate holidays and milestones with these people as we do our family; so in a sense, we have many "adopted" family members

I am not denying that there are adotpees who have had negative experiences, but for my daughter, she is as much as one of us as any biological relative is.  She just has a biological family out there too and a different genetic make up.

This has more to do with love than anything.  When a person is loved and welcomed, they know it.  When a person is unwelcome they know that too.  It is beyond unfortunate that adoptees have been made to feel unwanted by the very people who claimed to want them the most.

Answer 16

I was pissed about it for years.

now i'm *gasp* GRATEFUL, i'm not related to them. every woman on my dads side of the family has died of cancer, they've all had breast cancer, they've all got arthritus and way too many of them are alcoholics.

I love to eat organic foods, treat my body good and I can go months without a drink and never crave it ( Thank God!)

But I'm an adult now, so its easier for me to forgive and find the positives, but as a child it was brutal. It ate me up and really affirmed my feelings already of being different. As adoptees we ARE different in our families compared to families created naturally.

Unfortunately when my aparents adopted, a couple of the extended relatives weren't as embracing or accepting of differences as they were. We can't really expect everyone to be either, its just a fact in adoption and life I guess.

This may sound like a weird comparison, but being raised by a white family, and being bi-racial I don't believe that my family really understands the differences in how they are treated as white people and I am treated as a bi-racial person. There is white privilege in america and its hard for my afamily to see that. Hard for them to understand because they haven't been subjected to racist america. Just like they haven't been adopted and haven't "not" been accepted for their differences by people you're supposed to call family.

There is that "stranger" aspect to it. Essentially WE are the strangers in the new families, even though it may feel like they're the strangers, the adoptee is just as much of one to others as they are to the adoptee.