Is it possible to fix such a marriage?

Question

I've been married for 17 years and the past 10 yrs. have been more than less very unhappy. We don't do anything together anymore, we barely talk to eachother and there is almost nothing in common anymore. Our marriage started shaking when I got pregnant and he didn't want a child. We seperated then for a year and he came back and asked (crying) for a 'second chance'.

He did change on his part, being nice and gentle with our child. I thought I was going to be able to forgive him for a lot of things he did and did not do during my pregnancy and 1st year of the child. In any case, I discovered that I had grown really apart from him as well. I could not trust him anymore and didn't want him to approach me sexually. This has been going on for too long.

And ideally I'd be starting the process of getting divorced, but I'm afraid of this step due to the following reason . During the past 10 yrs. I was abusing a lot of alcohol, and am in an intensive treatment (complete abstinence, AA and all). Have some mental and physical health issues where I don't know if and how long I can be employed. So, I'm kind of scared of getting divorced and not being able to work, loosing custudy of my child etc.

But a lot of changes are taking place, my communication skills and temper control are a whole lot better. So, I asked him to come join in with the counselor, and he refuses (as he does anything in regard to me, we organize a party in the house, and he goes out for a motorcycle ride, saying that he doesn't want to meet my friends), like I said, I'd like him to come see the counselor, and he refuses. When I try to talk to him about our really cold marriage, he says "I'm happy". I just can't imagine how such a marriage can be happy it's eating me up. I'm on medication just so that I can still function at this point, but I don't want to live the rest of my life like this. I don't see how such a marriage could be repaired and even if it is possible at all then one doesn't want to participate with outside help. I'm asking for some serious advise (please no insulting, hurtfull comments - I really don't need that!). It's been a bit long, sorry for that, but it's just that I'm looking for that one sparkling moment there I can make (hopefully) a good decision (and not a "stupid" one)...

Answer 1

You need to try to get things going good with your husband again. He says he's happy but you aren't. You said you aren't likely to be employed or stay employed so how do you think you will support yourself and your child. You sound like you should get some counseling and then try to make the marriage work. You don't really have much opportunity for another decision. Otherwise, you could end up in some homeless shelter.

Answer 2

You still have lot of years left to live and you can't waste them in an unhappy marriage where you feel resentful of your husband. So much that you guys can't even have an intimate relationship. If you can't forgive him after 17 years for what he did to you, what do you think will change all of a sudden? You need to enjoy your new sober life. This could be a completely new chapter for you.

You should be able to get alimony from him correct?

If I were you I would figure out a way to make it work because you could find happiness in another mate, you shouldn't waste your time be unhappy. Life is short as it is.

Answer 3

A bad marriage can be changed, even if only one spouse is in counseling.  Go yourself and work on your own issues.  Maybe he'll come eventually, but if not you'll learn new things and new ways to cope.  Hang in there!

I also recommend "Love and Respect" by Emerson Eggerich.  Link below:

Answer 4

It sounds like your husband is afraid to admit that there may be something wrong with the relationship. I don't know how to go about it, but you do need some serious professional help, or it is not going to work out. While you are healing emotionally from other things, he needs to become part of that healing in order to stay as a part of your life.

Answer 5

I don't know what you can do to help it because it sounds like it's been over for years.you should try and take a night out together and try to start all over.

Answer 6

Perhaps your husband really doesn't see any problem with your marriage.  It sounds ridiculous, but you'd be surprised what some people miss.  Perhaps next time he says "I'm happy" you should say, "Well, I'm not."  Then proceed to have an adult conversation with him about what is going wrong in your marriage.  

Perhaps you could start off the talk by making compliment sandwiches.  This is when you compliment him on something he's done right, then tell him where he needs to improve, and then give him another compliment.  An example might be, "Honey, I love that you are your own man, however, I don't feel like we spend that much time together.  You are a wonderful person and I would love to spend more time with you."  This might boost his ego and make him feel good about discussing issues in the marriage with him.  

If you can't think of any compliments to give him, then perhaps it is time for divorce.  Maybe let him know that you are thinking of filing for one?  That's sure to spark a conversation!  lol.

Good luck!

Answer 7

Wow, I'm so sorry for your situation, especially the child.  You need to speak to an attorney, don't they usually have free consultations?  It doesn't look good on your part and he will totally play up your past to discredit you.  You gotta be smart and one step ahead.  Ask God for guidance and the strength to help you deal with this situation.  He will provide you with the answers you need.  Good Luck.

Answer 8

I HONESTLY feel your Pain and for those who don't know (shut up)

I have been with my husband for 24 yrs married for 14 almost 15 years and we have grown so far about that I too want out, but as you are. I too am disabled (spinal surgeries) 2+ because I am married my SSI was splint between my husband and I so now he has half of my SSI so I dont have enought income to move on my own, anyway dear I'm in the same boat as you,But I can offer to share my story with you and be a listening ear for you; who knows maybe we can exchange resources and help each other God BLess You...Anita@ [e-mail]

Answer 9

Sounds like the damage has been done in this one. You need to really sit down with your husband and take an inventory of this relationship. Let him know that you can't go on like this. But the bottom line is this: it will never get better or survive if both parties won't work on it. Good luck.

Answer 10

Custody loss rates for parents with mental illness range as high as 70-80 percent, and a higher proportion of parents with serious mental illnesses lose custody of their children than parents without mental illness. Studies that have investigated this issue report that:

Only one-third of children with a parent who has a serious mental illness are being raised by that parent.

In New York, 16 percent of the families involved in the foster care system and 21 percent of those receiving family preservation services include a parent with a mental illness.

Grandparents and other relatives are the most frequent caretakers if a parent is psychiatrically hospitalized, however other possible placements include voluntary or involuntary placement in foster care.

Although mental disability alone is insufficient to establish parental unfitness, some symptoms of mental illness, such as disorientation and adverse side effects from psychiatric medications, may demonstrate parental unfitness.