Is it possible to give birth and put child in care instead of giving up for adoption?

Question

I really appreciate everyone's answers, I do love this child, my partner also loves this child, as it is my first time I didn;t realize that I was pregnant until now.. this is the reason why i totally freaked out. I will be thinking about this situation hard, I really don't want to give my child up for adoption, but the baby is due at such a time that it is so hard for me to sort things out for myself as well as the baby, all my friends are young, some of them are already parents, I am old enough to have the child but because the pregnancy thing came as a surprise this week, it left me in a shocking state where my brain just doesn't seem to work at the moment and my partner is not earning as much to support me & the child, nor am I. I have no one to turn to right now, that is why I decided to ask people online, to get some support, at least a bit of mental support.

Answer 1

sorry, but i would say bollox to my parents - its their grandchild!! and i would keep my baby as at the end of the day dont you want too be every thing youre parents are not?? 33 weeks your are nearly full term and do you realise you have a breathing human baby in their , youre human baby!! you were adult enough to have s*x so be adult enough to take resposibilty for youre child, please dont put the baby in care you will regret it and never forgive youreself , do you also realise how strongly you will feel for that baby. its not a puppy you can put in a pound then go pick up later, theres plenty of help out there go get it and get ready for that baby, i dont think youre  bad person

Answer 2

I wouldn't be surprised if your parents already suspect something.  33 weeks is pretty far along - unless you're naturally heavy-set, surely your parents have noticed some changes in your figure.

As far as giving up your child "just for a few years"...no, that's not something you should do.  Think about how unfair it would be to your little one.  If someone else cares for him/her for the first few years of his/her life, the poor child would be attached to that person, and imagine your child's confusion when you say "okay, I'm ready now" and rip him/her away from the only caregivers he/she has ever known.  That's not something to take lightly!  (Sure, there may be unusual circumstances, such as an illegal/deceitful adoption...but in general, the child deserves to be raised by the people who were with him/her from infancy!)

Not to mention the fact that you would be missing out on all those parental bonding moment and all the milestones of infancy and the toddler stage.  Do you want someone else to be there for your child's first steps, first word, etc.?  (It would be different, of course, if you were giving the child up for adoption knowing he/she would have a new family.  But if you're planning to raise your child, then you need to be there for *all* the special moments.)

Good luck - don't rush into a decision...you just learned the news.  Remember that what you decide will affect your child for the rest of his/her life, and you need to do what's best for the baby.  (Whatever you feel that may be.)

Answer 3

Whoaa.. u just found out ur pregnant???? 33 wks is a long time not to feel the baby!! but then again its ur first time so guess ur not as experienced as most mums r in this case.

Well,, u still got few weeks to go, so think very carefully about ur future as well as the baby's, if u dont think u can take care of the baby then it is best to give the baby up for adoption, but otherwise it is best to bring up ur own child c them grow up in front of u, share the bond of mother and child, it is always worth going thru all this even if ur financial status isn't good, don't keep the child wondering about its real mother and adopted, it will definitely ruin the child's life especially mentally, it will be a torture for him/her...

but like i said u still ave time, think very hard, go out n get some fresh air n think carefully, no one should ave the right to judge u, not even ur parents, what's done is done, now think of the new life that will be entering this world.. watever u decide, think of the betterment for urself n the baby's future, wateva u think is gud for u both jus do that,,

take care n wish u all the very best, i hope u make the right choice for u n the baby. x*x

Answer 4

First of all, 33 weeks is almost full-term, i somehow don't believe that, you did not know you were preggers, until 33 weeks!

so you're saying you did not notice that you had missed a period, or that you were getting a baby bump, or haven't felt it move,

And i DO NOT think that you should give you're baby up just because you're parents said so,

Now please answer my question, if you're parents are religious, then i would have thought that they wouldn't have thought that they wold want you to give up the baby, they don't believe in that?????????????????

Answer 5

You need to question yourself to what is best with the child. Yes, it is possible for you to put you're child in care for a few years, although you need to have solid proof you cannot take care of it. Also, you're child might get to know its carer, and not want to go back with you when its older.  It will distress it, moving from an enviroment where it feels safe and secure, to a completely different one. Could you take your child away from somewhere it feels safe and loved, just because you're ready to have it now? You would have missed out on so much, the first word, first steps...

Also, do you really believe your parents would put their religion in front of you and your child. Although its likely that they'll be angry at first, if they love you, then they'll love their grandchild.

My suggestion is, that you finish your year, and then drop out for a few years. In most courses they allow up to a five year gap, meaning you would only have to do the years you missed - and you could even do them part time!

You've got yourself into a bit of a situation (In my view, people shouldn't have s*x unless they are ready to have children) but you should NOT punish your child for it, just because its to inconvient for you to have a baby at the moment.

Is the person your in a relationship the father? If so, talk to him. You may be able to get a council house (do you live in England) or he could get a job to pay for rent until your child is old enough for daycare.

Think long and hard before you decide to put your child into care for a few years 'until you are sorted' the repecusions will be great, and if the child finds foster parents, then they will have emotional and attachment problems.

Answer 6

I think the only way to do this is if you have a family friend or someone you trust who would want to take the child for a few years, and you could make them the legal guardian. I don't know of any other way to do this. You either need to take care of your child or make a plan for someone else to adopt him/her. You can look for an open adoption where you could have ongoing contact with the child, but you would not be the parent and could not get the parent back. Also you would have to find adoptive parents that sincerely want this, since unfortunately some people say they want an open adoption and close it later. There really are good open adoptions though if this is something that would work for you. However if you want to parent your child I think you will need to do it from birth. I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation. I am an adoptive parent, and am very pro-adoption, but realize it is not the solution for every situation. I hope you will find a solution that will work for you. All the best to you and your child.

Answer 7

This child did not ask to be born you and your partner knew when you slept together that a baby could be the result of your selfish acts you say your parents will not accept the child because they are religious what sort of religion would punish an innocent baby.Ok you say you do ot have time to get married before the birth what is wrong with you marriage is not about timing it is a union betweent two people who love each other and want to spend their lives together and have a family to make their union complete.You say you are student not yet graduated obviously you are academic but common sense and a responsible attitude you do NOT.You say you willl be a better mum in a few years well I don't think so your baby is inside you so you are a mum NOW! there is no excuse for not owning up to your responsibilies NOW I cannot believe it when you said you would want someone to take care of the child "until you sort yourself out " Stop being so selfish talk to your parents friends whoever but you are a mum NOW you must do something now for the child who is your responsibility.I don't think I have ever heard such sheer selfishness you were old enough to have s*x and  this is the outcome ,you should have thought about the consequences before.

Now you must do the right thing!!! I know there will be people who strongly disagree with my comments but what do you think your son /daughter would think of my answer when they have to live with your decision and then read my answer.Show him or her how much you can be a good parent even if it means bringing the baby up alone the reward you get from your child will prove me right.I hope you come to the right decision and I wish you luck.

Answer 8

DON'T DO THAT LET ADOPTION BE THE ANSWER IF YOU CAN'T TRULY KEEP THE BABY. FOSTER CARE WILL DAMAGE THE CHILD AND THIER IS TOO MUCH AT STAKE WITH A NEWBORN.

MY MOTHER IN LAW WAS A FOSTER MOTHER FOR 50 YEARS. THE HORROR'S SHE HAS EXPERIENCE AND I HAVE WITNESSED. CHILDREN GET PASSED AROUND LIKE THEY ARE STRAY ANIMALS AND OFTEN ABUSED.

Answer 9

I would have to say that if you don't want to give up the baby then you need to set it straight with your parents. Don't let them control what you do with the baby. I have two daughters, one being 15. I have rules around my house to but if she were to get pregnant, then I would help her in any way possible. You really can not expect someone to take care of that baby and then give it back. We have been trying to adopt but keep getting turned down just because we have been married before. If someone was to let me keep a baby and then take it back after a few months or years, it would kill me. Do what you feel is the right thing to do. It all depends on what you want for your future and what you feel you can handle on the way. Good luck with everything and I wish you the best.

Answer 10

Dear Naz,

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this prediciment! I do not know about voluntary temporary care in the UK, but if you were in the US, I would stongly advise against it! It is often hard to retrieve a child once in care - even if the placement is voluntary and temporary.

I would strongly advise you to look into temporary guardianship with a close friend or family member who will give you access to your child and who you trust to follow the guidelines of the position and support you as a family and return the child when the time comes to do so.

There are respite care organizations in the US but I don't know if the UK has them as well. This also may be an option if it is available.

I wish you the best of luck in finding the best situation for your child. I hope that everything works out and this is but a small bump in a long and happy journey as a happy and healthy family!

Answer 11

i really feel for you if i could i would take temporary guardianship over your child until you were in a position to have the baby back. do you not have anyone who could do this?

i myself have been in care and am now adopted i would love children but I'm now single. trust me coming from someone who can understand both sides of the story i realise how agonising it is for you.

i found myself in a similar position but i was falsed into a late abortion for my health and have never gotten over it. so i know how it feels to lose a wanted baby.

now im adopted i love my adopted parents very much and think i was very lucky to have them. i still think of my birth parent but dont want to meet her.

this is not so much of an advise post but an im think of you. if you wanna chat i.m. or email me x good luck you will do the right thing i know it

Answer 12

Why don't you talk to your parents. What difference does getting married make for the well being of the child. Do they not love their own flesh and blood enough to help you out and help your family stay together? What about daycare? Can you get some type of state assistance? What state are you in? Do you have any family or the father who can help out with care for your child while you work or finish school etc.?

Adoption is permanent, and hurts, its no piece of cake, if you have the will to keep your child, there is a way to do it. Don't give up. It sounds like you just found out and that can be very scary at first. Take some breaths, go for a walk and find a way to do it! its possible, i have.

Answer 13

33 weeks pregnant that is a little long for not feeling the baby move

then if you want to get married the courthouse or judice of the piece takes 8 minutes you still have 7 weeks to go and your parents can help take care of the child as you can not put it in child care just so you can grow up

you laid down and played now you have to stand up and take responsibilty as for a child there is no 2 years it is now that you have to take care of them and talk to your parents they might understand

Answer 14

You need to know exactly what situations/possibilities are open to you before you make this kind of decision so unless you make the decision yourself to keep your baby, you have no option but to speak to social services. People are entitled to their religious beliefs but if you know for a cold hard fact that your parents will not accept the baby if you decide to keep it then I think you have no option but to exclude them from your considerations. I can't think of a more important god to worship than life and you need to ask what their priorities are- their own flesh and blood or religion?

Also, I don't see why you haven't got time to get married. If this is important to you, you have the rest of your life to have a big fancy wedding- all you need now is that piece of paper which you can get in a quick registery office service.  

As far as putting the baby in care, I think you'd be hard pushed to arrange this the way you're thinking. Care isn't there for people's convenience, it's there for children who either shouldn't or can't be with their parents and my understanding is that this is a last resort used in situations where there really really is no alternative, especially and unfortunately with budget constraints and demand on social services at the moment. I don't know what has happened in the last year that you mentioned so maybe this would apply to you. You may find that what you consider to be necessary in terms of finance/support/help is at odds with what they consider necessary. If you've ever earned minimum wage you'll know just how far this doesn't stretch but that's what been judged is necessary for a basic standard of living- you would have child support/family tax credits etc too.

Also, is it fair on your child for you to do this? I can see from your point of view how it seems the fairest solution because you would be ensuring the child was cared for until you were able to do this yourself and how this seems logical because the child would be going from an adequate situation to a better situation but will your child see it this way? Would they consider this situation from your point of view, or would their first instinct to be to consider it from their own point of view?

I really think you need to contact social services and discuss all your concerns with them. They are experienced in this situation and hold the answers to the questions you are asking.

The best advice sight I've found is the Citizen's Advice Bureau's page and the link to this is:

http://www.adviceguide.org.uk/

I hope you make the right decision. I really strongly advise that you educate yourself about all aspects of this. I don't mean to sound rude but you really strike me as naive because you say you're old enough to have a baby yet you don't know the symptoms of pregnancy despite having, I would imagine, at least some of them at some point in the last 33 weeks. Naive is not what you want to be right now. I appreciate that your head's in a mess because of the size of this but you have got to concentrate and ask questions and speak to people and learn because you have to make this decision, you can't shy away from it and you need to know the facts. Have you got a close friend or a member of your or his family that you can speak to or your GP?

I hope this works out for the best for you.

Answer 15

dont give up your child you need to be strong its a gift some people cant have it so be thankful for having it U CAN DO IT finish ur studies and I M SURE U WILL BE A GREAT MOTHER u r already bcz u care about it U CAN TAKE CARE OF IT BELIEVE ME and if u cant then how single mothers can?u said ur bf wants it so u can make it

Answer 16

Well the answer to that is No. But Care people can help you to take care of your Child when you want to study. Or there is some Nusery that take care of Children if you want to Study. If your Parents can't accept your Child then i think is Better if you Move to your own House. But i belive that it is your own responsibility to take care of the Child and when you had s*x that you had Protected s*x.

Answer 17

There is going to be options for you but they will not just say yeah you give us your baby then come back when you are sorted. Your parents will find out and i think you should tell them and start to look for a flat for you and your partner to bring your baby up from day 1. Lots of people would want to look after new borns but then in a couple of months they wont be able to hand the baby back because the baby will think of them as parents. You will miss out on alot of things in the time it will take you to get sorted. If i was you get in touch with socail services you need to talk to someone with all the hep and advise that they can give you x

Answer 18

Go to the justice of peace and get married. That is of course if you want to marry your child’s father and he you. Don’t marry just to marry. Someone could take temporary guardianship of the baby, but how long will it take you to get on your feet?  If its more then 2 years I’d recommend placing for adoption. What about the baby’s other grandparents being able to help out?

Really I think a person should either parent or not, they should not have the child hanging in limbo for a few years until they are prepared to parent or parenting is now convenient for them.   Thank of how cruel that is to the child to live somewhere for a few years, and then be taken away from their home and the only caretaker/parent(s) he or she has had/ known.

Answer 19

get your own place, finish your studies and be a parent. if parents dont understand thats their problem and putting religion before a grandchild is unforgivable if you ask me. your going to have to stand on your own two feet, do you not realise the emotional problems your child will have if s/he goes into care? you can do this if you want to, dont let others cloud your judgement.

Answer 20

Hopefully when your parents see your baby they will except him/her.

Answer 21

I was in a similar predicament, I asked social services to take care of my baby for a few weeks.

They NEVER gave him back, for the next year they manipulated and lied to me untill they finally adopted my baby against my will.

They get bonuses for succesfuyladoptions and newborns are like golddust.

Your baby will always be your baby, give him/her up and you'll only be a childless mother.

I would rather have my limbs ripped off than go through it again, 7 years later and I will NEVER be complete.

Don't let anyone get their hands on YOUR child.

Also the first few weeks of a child'slife are incredibly important, the trauma of maternal separation could affect him his whole life long.

Adoptees have a very increased risk of mental illness.

YOU are it's mother,life doesn't always go to plan.

Please for your own sake, keep that precious child.

I've been through it.

Answer 22

How would a child feel being put into care for 5 years until you felt reaady to take the child back.

If you feel you can't look after the child yourself and no one is going to help you then you may have to put your feelings aside and put the baby up for adoption.

That way at least your child will have the chance of a happy life with parents who can look after them and won't be handed through care homes waiting for you to come get them when you're ready.

It may seem harsh but you need to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about the baby and it's future.

Answer 23

it would be wrong to do something like that. could you imagine being raised by someone, loving them, and then some stranger takes you away and says she is your mom? besides, i've never heard of that being an option. you have to either find someway to keep the baby, or let it be adopted into a loving stable home.

Answer 24

oh please. Go to the court house and get married to the baby's father. Then be the best parent you can be. Finish school part-time if you have to.

Answer 25

it is possible to just appoint a guardian for your child and have them raise the child....but.....think of the child. Would these guardians be known as Mom and Dad or would you see the child very often for him/her to know you as Mom? Think of the bonding issues with the child.

Answer 26

I do not know what country you're in but it is possible to put them in temporary care; however, like somebody else mentioned beware of all the outcomes of that.

Not that a mother should lose her identity but if you want this child then it will work out to kee that child.  Will it be hard, most definitely but you have to put your mind/heart & realize where there is a few hard years to get thro- if you have to struggle financially it will be worth it in the end when you can watch your own child grow up in front of your eyes.

Answer 27

ok i understand how you feel, but listen to me.

i have had the worst end of fate too when it came to my eldest.

imagine being in this position,

17yrs old, you live in london, your parents in newcastle, the father stirring up trouble and the stress of all and medical problems of callapsing always you end up losing a twin, your on edge as you could lose the other, your in and out of hospital, your moving from bnb 2 bnb nearly everynight with a large bag on back when your very large, you have severe sickness, and others pressurising you and insulting you because of your decision to keep when young, you lived in some seriously bad conditions during the pregnancy, your practicularly alone with only 2 friends to help and your dad at end of the line but cant talk long, social on your case simply because your vulnerable and depression to boot it all, all that and more could you cope?

i did!

i am sure you can work out how to do study, parent a child and sort childcare and a home,

take 4 mth out of college, thats the month leading to the birth and 3 mths after, put baby into childcare nursery, go back to college, get a flat or a room, or stay at friends, thats all done why worry about care?

theres no need there is childcare nurseries everywhere, use them its good for both you and baby.

Answer 28

Your best bet is to have a friend your completely trust help you out.  Any other way you risk losing your child permanently.

There are too many desperate vultures out there that will try and get permanent custody despite your desire for it to be temporary. Once you put your child into the system its an upward battle to get them out.

Many children in 3rd world countries have been sold to westerners despite their mothers temporarily placing them.

Answer 29

take a deep breath hun and do the right thing - tell your parents. If they are as religious as you say, they will offer to help you raise the child whilst you finish studying.

The others are right, you cant put a child into car e and claim them back when your ready, but if your parents are willing to help, you may find a solution to the problem.

If you and this guy still love each other when you finish studying, then it may come that you will get married, but take each day as it comes, think positively hun

Answer 30

Well if you put your child in care, there's a very real possibility that they will use that against you to sever your parental rights and let the "carers" adopt.  Look what happened to the He family...they thought they were leaving their daughter in the "care" of another family until they could support her, and they ended up fighting a years-long court battle to get her back after the "carer" family thought they wanted her for themselves.

Your best bet is to find a way to get yourself together, fast.  If you truly love your child and don't want to abandon him/her, then I hate to be blunt but get your **** together!  

Babies don't have to be expensive.  Get a car seat, you can buy baby clothes at rummage sales or second hand stores, you already have the baby's food source in your b*****s, invest in some reusable diapers so you don't have to buy disposables.

You don't need any special furniture, the floor is the best and safest place to change baby, he/she can sleep with you or in a clothes basket.  

How does your partner feel?  Can't he help out?  

Your parents might be upset but this is YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD.  They will come to accept and love their grandchild in time, and if not, that is their own sad loss.  This is YOUR CHILD.

I was abandoned because my parents were young and society thought a single mom shouldn't raise a baby.  Being adopted is the worse most horrible feeling...knowing that my mother gave me away.  DON'T do this to your child; the effects will last a lifetime.