Is it possible to have someone adopt your child?

Question

Yuck, why bother with your message? What good did you think came of that? If you think I/we simply wanted this, we could have very easily put her into "the system" and that would be the end of it.

It's amazing how 'common sense' seems to just fall out of peoples skulls when they go on-line.

Do you think I needed to post this out here on the net if I plain and simply wanted her out?

The truth of the matter is she has already left the house and it's been over a week, and we are just devestated as to what to do, that is why I am here.

If we pull her back, she will most likely slip back into a state of crisis, and all that comes with that.

This is the 3rd time she has left home, and all of our friends and families, including her friends and their families have all tried to talk some sense into her but she literrally denies reality and believes everyone is against her, and we put everyone "up to it".

Now we're trying to see how long we can wait to see what could happen

Answer 1

This is a very difficult situation for a parent to deal with. I do not recommend adoption for her because she may just end up in foster care until she is 18, which will make her more angry and will encourage her outbursts. I would recommend a job core type program where she can get some structure, counseling, and discipline. It is critical that she gets this soon because she is almost at an age where she will be responsible for herself. You want her to be a productive adult, so intervention of that type is needed. Maybe even a boot camp will help.

I hope this helps

Answer 2

Wow....  I feel for your situation.  If you really TRULY have exausted all parenting options open to you, then maybe you should consult a lawyer about transfering custody of your daughter to this other family.  I'm not sure I would use the word "adopt".  

It is almost impossible to believe that any parent can have done everything in their power, and still have an "impossible" child.  I think it is something that you just can't believe until you've seen it with your own eyes.  It's unsettling to believe that any infant is not born "perfect".  

I know what you are probably going through.  I have a little brother who is mentally handicapped and also psychologically unstable.  As a teenager this was even worse (due to all the teenage hormones).  When he turned 18, my parents sent him to live in a group home (a house for mentally challenged adults) because they could no longer cope with him being at home, and felt like he was a danger to my other younger brothers who still lived at home.  People who were not privy to the daily situation we'd been going through for years often seemed to think my parents were horrible people....  like they were shutting away my brother because they just didn't want to be bothered with him.  This was not the case AT ALL.  In fact, when my brother was a toddler, a neurologist had actually told my parens that he'd be surprised if my brother wasn't institutionalized before he was 12.  My parents worked hard raising him to make sure this didn't happen, and a group home is NOT an institution.  Still, people just didn't understand.  

It is illegal to handcuff your child.  So then, what do you do when they won't stop trying to hit others, or even pull a knife?  Do you call the cops on your own child?  If you finally do, do you realize it isn't as simple as having the cops come and subdue the child, and then dropping charges?  Oh no, once the cops come, there are all sorts of nice legal messes.  

It is illegal to lock your child in a room.  So what do you do if your child will NOT stay at home?  What do you do if your child is constantly running away?  Again, you're back to calling the cops....  

I can understand how difficult a situation you are in.  I think you may need to give serious consideration to allowing your child to be comitted.  State run institutions and social services are....  not very good.  I know that.  However, letting your daughter run herself into the gutter won't help either.  

It sounds like your daughter things she has a better solution though.  I don't think at least trying this new family out is a bad idea.  It will probably cost you a little bit of money (I'd say probably between $1000 to $2000, but I'm not sure about california legal and court fees) but if it can help your daughter it is probably worth it.  Contact a lawyer and explain that you want to give another couple custody of your daughter.  This really isn't as strange a situation as you think.  People in Texas do it all the time to get their kids into school districts they otherwise couldn't afford (yes, it's sick, but they DO do it).  It's not "adoption" exactly...  they don't change her birth certificate.  You're still her parents, but you will no longer be her legal guardians.  

Good luck, I do feel for you!

Answer 3

I'm going to be honest with you. But you sound very unloving and mean parent. I'm not sticking up for your daughter. I'm sure the choices she is making w/ her life are hurting you. But YOU are her parent and sticking by her shows you love her. By running away or sticking your head in the sand is not very loving. being a parent isn't always easy, it takes hard work. by you asking for her to be someone else's problem is very distrubing. I think you need to do some soul searching to see why you are giving up on your daughter so easily.

edit---

Noodles- shut it! I am putting myself in his daughter's shoes. All she will see is that her father is abandoning her. He is giving up on her and no parent should give up on their child. I really don't care what  you think anymore. Because you do the same things as what you accuse others of. There is no dishonesty in my answer. It is my opinion of him. He married a woman with a child and probably didn't know how hard it will be to raise her.

Answer 4

do you know someone willing to take care of her? if so why can't she stay with them maybe a friend or relatives family. you can't desert your child at this age older children who's families can't raise them usually stay in the fostercare system until they are adults. maybe you could get her a job at a chik-fil-a or ice cream place(brewsters) they both hire at 15 and she might learn to take responsibility for herself.   also if she runs away just let her go don't get police involved she may be able to find herself a happier enviorment.

Answer 5

Oh Alpine,

My heart goes out to you. I completely agree with Little Jaina. My brother was like this, too.

I'm so sorry I haven't checked into this site for several days. If I had, I would have told you to RUN, not walk away from this forum that's being held hostage by a group of trolls who are anti-adoption. They are very angry, cruel and bitter and are projecting their guilt and stupidity onto anyone who dares to not jump on their bandwagon. You do not 'owe' these jerks any sort of an explanation; it's like trying to talk to brick wall full of nails. This is their one and only way to have fun; twisting others' words around, passing judgment, and making false accusations. You know you can vote and report their violations. Try to ignore their hateful rants and see if there are other groups (not yahoo answers) to connect with. But I'd take everything you see on the internet with a grain of salt.

I know you must be heartbroken. One of the good things going for you and your daughter are these friends of yours that want to help. It's possible that if she finds out that your friends have rules as well, hopefully it will teach her that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. I admire you for hanging in there. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Here are some links that hopefully will help. Best Wishes.

added: Your welcome Alpine but I wasn't able to help. I can hear the desperation in your words. I'll keep plowing for sites that might be helpful.

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added: healing/hello: that is the lowest I've ever seen you stoop. Shame on you. You owe Alpine an apology. Hanging out with your gang of rats isn't doing you any favors. You ought to have to stand in others' shoes before saying something as dishonest and cruel as you did. You are not fit to be a parent, ever.  DISGUSTING!

Answer 6

Yep, those teenage years are tough.  I think they'll be even tougher knowing that one's own parents were willing to abandon you to the system forever.

You want to give your child another start with a new family?

I just don't see how this would be helping your daughter to disown her and send her to live with strangers.  By placing her for adoption, you would lose all rights and ties to her legally and forever, even after she has grown out of the teenage phase.  You will also lose all rights to any children she may have in the future.

Children do not remain teenagers forever.  Are you sure you are ready to give up on her because she is stuck in MTV land right now?

Adoption is forever and there is no going back.

Try  therapy, boarding school, try something.  Be a parent.

She is the child, you are the adult and you are failing her miserably just by asking this question.

ETA:If you give up on your child, you ARE a bad parent. What did you think you were signing up for when you had this child?  Did you really think you only had to parent if your child was perfect?  It doesn't work that way.

Answer 7

She won't be adopted if you simply relinquish your parental rights. Simple as that--she's too old, and most prospective adoptive parents want a younger child. So you need to think HARD about whether you really, truly need to sentence your daughter to a lifetime without a legal family in order to save (the rest of) your family.

I'd also like to point something out... you are worried about declaring your daughter a danger to herself or others because you and she would then lose control over the situation. But if you relinquish your parent rights and place her for adoption, trust me, you and she will have lost ALL control over the situation. Much more so than if you petition to declare her a danger.

So... I would suggest you really, really search yourself as to why you want to relinquish her for adoption. Is it actually about retaining control so as to help her, or is it something else? Because giving up your parental rights = no control.

I am absolutely not going to judge you or your situation because there is simply not enough info to go on. I've met a few families who truly had to relinquish their rights to their children in order to save everyone else in the family. That is SUCH a devastating decision.

However, I would ask that you carefully consider whether that actually is your situation. I'm not saying it's not... again, not enough info to go on here... just saying--PLEASE consider it carefully. Please.

Mental illness is no reason to give up on a child, and it's no reason to relinquish your rights--UNLESS that child has become so violent you literally cannot keep her in your house safely. I am talking... if she's setting fires to your house, if she's threatening you or your other children with knives nightly, if she's putting poison in your food... then yeah, you need to think about removing her from the home. If it's not that serious, then really, no, you shouldn't give up.

If she is that dangerous to your family... then I'd suggest looking into residential treatment facilities. They're expensive. Hugely expensive. In which case, to afford it for her, you might be forced to give up your parental rights... so that the state will pay for it. Even then, I'd urge you to dig deep and keep visiting with her, loving her, and holding out hope for her. You don't have to be a legal parent to still act like a parent.

If this is less serious... if it's run-ins with the police, mood swings, hallucinations, suicidal episodes, that sort of thing, then all I can do is beg you from the bottom of my heart, as someone with a mental illness AND as a mental health worker, PLEASE stick it out. Please. Recovery from mental illness is possible... but she needs SUPPORT and absolute, unconditional love.

Good luck in whatever you decide. And may I strongly urge you to get counseling for yourself and your spouse/partner (as individuals) AND as a couple, and family counseling with your daughter (if you can get her to go). She is not the only one who needs counseling here... you are ALL being affected by this, you are all experiencing real struggles, and you ALL could use that support and help.

EDITED TO ADD: Okay, with the further info you provided... If I were you, I would NOT give up parental rights--I would instead look into a legal guardianship arrangement. If she wants to go to this other family, that can happen WITHOUT you giving up all your legal parental rights. And trust me--you DON'T want to lose your parental rights. It won't help you, and it won't help her--not one bit.

Also, if counselors and psychiatrists are thinking she may have bipolar, she ought to be on a mood stabilizer in addition to the Zoloft. Zoloft alone (ANY anti-depressant alone) can make people with bipolar worse. So check into the mood stabilizers... depakote, lamictal, lithium, tegretol, tompomax, neurontin... If she has mood swings (rather than just being "down" all the time), treating with just an anti-depressant is probably not a good idea. Have you read up on bipolar and on borderline personality? Don't depend on the mental health professionals to give you all the education you need!

And please do look into guardianship rather than adoption. Please please please.

Answer 8

If your daughter moves out with friends, she won't be getting any parenting. Is there any way you can place her in a boarding school for girls? This seems like the most responsible and loving thing you can do for her at this stage. If you have college savings, use them, as it looks doubtful she'll get her high school diploma without a lot of support. Good luck to you, best case scenario is if you can send her out into the world at the age of 18 with a diploma.

Answer 9

Umm...

No clue what your saying.

You can have someone adopt your teen. But why? If she's spoiled no one will want her.  And if she isn't it's not easy adopting a teen. It requires lawyers paperwork adoption centers and bad education. Many children are there cause they don't have parents, and a mother is called rude because she doesn't take care of her child. Think about her future. She'll have children who never had a grandmother. You're gonna stop the generation and she'll restart it. Too many reasons for why you shouldn't give up your child. And my best one is easy to tell you, her future. Think about schools,colleges. She won't afford a good college. Nor will be able to make good money and will have to............................ work a poorly paid job. Bad life for her! Think about it before you do it. "cause once she's gone... You'll think you mad a horrible mistake. But you'll never get her back! So one solution. THINK!!!!

Answer 10

I'm very curious...is she you and you wife's biological child?  Not knowing more information would be diagnosing the SYMPTOMS not the problem.

A hundred bucks says this is an adopted kid, pawn in a bad divorce OR kid of an addict.

This c**p just doesn't happen to bio kids of married people who are emotionally healthy.

You're leaving out a BIG chunk of the story, sir.

ETA:  No wonder you want to get rid of her.  Romance with mommy was more important.  When will people see that 'things' i.e. better school, aprartment complex, do not make a better life.  I bet this girl would have been better off with her mother, and no marraige to you.  I wish her mother had moved in with her parents instead.

You failed her.

Answer 11

Well you can talk with that couple and  sign over custody  if all are in agreement with the situation without having to do an adoption.  I hope this helps.  

My best friends parents got custody of me at age 15.  I wanted to move with them and it was OK with my parents so we all just went down to the courthouse, they signed some papers and the judge asked me if it was what I wanted which it was and he signed off on it.  We never had it changed even though we all moved back about 8 mths later.  This was in TN so it may be diff. where you are at, but mostly there weren't any headaches to get it done.

Answer 12

I know that having her leave your home may seem like the only option right now, and I understand that you hope this will "wake her up" and realize how good she has it at home.  Unfortunately, I don't think that would be the outcome.  I think that, by putting her out of the home, you could do irreperable damage to your relationship.  Despite her serious behavioural problems, your daughter likely does love you and needs your love in return.  I worry that she would perceive the choice to have her move out as you turning your back on her.  This would probably cause her problems to increase, and could lead to some horrible outcomes for her.

Having said all this, please seek professional help in this matter.  This is an enormous decision to make, one you should make with mental health or parenting professionals, not just in getting advice on a website from people who don't know the whole story.

Answer 13

Teenagers are impossible to adopt out, especially troubled ones. Unless theres someone who has offered its just not going to happen.

You're only option is to relinquish her to the state, or go ahead and label her as a danger and get her the help she needs whether she wants it or not.

I would look into some group therapy. Bad children dont just happen, theres a root to the issue and its going to be found in how she was raised. It doesnt make you bad parents, it makes you people who need to get help for the sake of your daughter.

Answer 14

i have a question about this....is she your birth daughter?

Answer 15

You might want to consider a boarding school for teens like that.  They have treatment programs at these schools and it might help.

Answer 16

Well, this is just my opinion and situation, and it may, or may not help you.

First off, I have to state that I am not telling you this for you, but for your daughter.  Yes, teenagers have problems, all of them do, in one form or another.  You chose to have a child, and all that that encumbered.  I dont agree with people looking fror a easy out of a terrible and stressful situation,

that said:

I currently have custody of a teenager that I didnt give birth to, and who isnt related to me.  She was one of those "troubled teenagers", and her parents couldnt control her, blah, blah, blah.  

When I first met her, she was living with a aunt near my house.  Her parents live in a different state.  She became my babysitter.   She was wonderful with my children, and treated them better than any child care provider I had ever had.  

Her aunt threw her out of her house, at 2 in the morning.  (her aunt worked nights, and that is the time she came home.  

Apparently her aunt was angry that the dishes wernt done).  She came to my house, crying and upset.  I let her stay the night, but made her promise we would call her parents in the morning, first thing.

We called her parents, and they didnt want her back.  So.....She couldnt go home to her parents.  Her aunt threw her out.  Where was she to go?  

I talked to her father and had him draw up paperwork through a lawyer which gave me guardianship for her.  He had it notarized, and she has been with me since then.

I am basically her mom now.  She calls me mom, and honestly, aside from some regular teenager stuff, which is normal, she hasnt shown anything that would lead me to throw her out.  

Maybe it would be better for your daughter to be in a different environment.  If there is another family that thinks she will do good with them..... let them have legal guardianship over her.

Answer 17

Since you obviously don't love your child. You probably  hope she kills herself. I think deep down that is what you want so you can have her mom all to yourself. She will be out of your way and then you can have mommy all to yourself. You probably feel that because she is not yours. She is dirt beneth your feet. So you can treat her anyway you want.

Answer 18

You can relinquish custody.

So you would rather get her out of the house, make her someone else's problem (since you used the word "stuck"), than declare her a danger to herself and have her receive psychiatric care for fear of "losing control"....yet you want to give her up for adoption? Perhaps you may want to clarify.

Answer 19

Well, I would say if you trust this person and they are truly willing to care for her and she is truly willing to live with them and she has already run away a couple of times. Let her go over there and live for a trial visit. If it works let her stay there. She if maybe there you might could get her to go to counseling. Maybe if she lives over there she will go. DO NOT DECLARE HER A DANGER. She does not seem as if she is a danger. She seems like a kid who wants to go live someplace else. I would let her but make sure you have constant contact with the family. Yes, it is possible to have someone adopt your child. She is 15 though.

Answer 20

How can you say that about your own child??That is so sad.That is your child and you should be there for. her .She didn't ask to be brought into this world,and now since you can not control her you wanna give her back..If I where the judge I would make you keep her and all of you go to counseling, you sound like you could use some yourself. How would you feel if something bad really happened to her? You don't sound like a very loving father.. Maybe some family will adopt her and show her what real love is Maybe you just might be the root to her problem..