Is it possible to marry someone and sleep in separate beds?

Question

My finance and I are supposed to get married next year. The problem is I just can't sleep in the same bed with him. He has some sort of sleep problem that causes him to toss and turn and literally yell in his sleep all night. In his sleep he has punched him in the face, kicked me in the groin, and pushed me onto the floor. He doesn't know he is doing it and is really sorry when I tell him what happened. But the bottom line is, I get no sleep when we are in the same bed. I don't want this to wreak our marriage. Anyone have experience sleeping in separate beds with their spouse?

Answer 1

First of all, it is possible.  I did it for 7 years! It was totally cool with us.  My sleeping habits are horrible and I need my own space to move in the bed.  We never had a problem because we both realized that each of us needed our sleep and we both got it.

As for your fiance' - he definitely has a problem that must be reconciled quickly.  He could be suffering from one of two disorders: Nocturnal Myoclonus which is periodic leg or arm movements. Some people experience periodic leg or arm jerks during sleep, leading to many short awakenings that disturb the quality of their sleep. Patients suffering from nocturnal myoclonus frequently complain of insomnia or excessive daytime sleepiness. This disorder is easily treated with various medications.  Or he may have what is called Parasomnias.  Doctors call it "Things that go bump in the night".

People may experience abnormal behavior during sleep that ranges from minor inconvenience to dangerous, such as sleep walking, sleep talking, nightmares, night terrors, asthma, chest discomfort, or violent behavior during sleep.  Whatever the condition, from what you say, your finance' is suffering and this needs to be checked out with a sleep therapist.  

About two years ago, a friend of mine discovered that she was hurting herself at night from a troubled sleep.  She was always tired and often walked during the night.  One morning, she woke up lying on her front porch!  She did not recall any of this.  This is dangerous.  She eventually went to a local hospital which featured sleep therapy and care.  She spent two nights hooked up to wires, tubes and continuous monitoring throughout the night.  They also recorded her every move so she could see what she did at night during her sleep.  Once she was able to see, the doctors were able to discuss treatment and diagnosis.  She was under medical attention which included therapy (exercises, corrective diet, medication) for one year.  She is now able to sleep peacefully and soundly at night without fear of her life.  

Please encourage your fiance' to seek some help.

  

Answer 2

Ask your man to please go to the Dr. and find out why he is reacting like this in his sleep. There has to be a reason for him to be dreaming and reacting the way he does.  I myself can not watch horror shows, or I will dream about them and fight for my life. My husband would kid me because I wouldn't watch them, so proved to him that I shouldn't. I punched, kicked him and about knocked him out, he then told me he would not let me watch them because he valued his life. It sounds like you might have to have separate rooms because of the yelling.  

Answer 3

Maybe he secretly hates you.

Answer 4

people do it all the time...

Answer 5

How about talking to a doctor about this. I don't think sleeping in separate beds are a good idea.

Answer 6

Agree with the other posters that your fiance should get checked out by a doctor.    It might take a while to diagnose, but in the meantime, go ahead and get separate beds.   You can still sleep in the same room, but you won't have to worry about being slugged in the night.

I don't see anything wrong with that at all.   Good luck.  

Answer 7

make him get that fixed before ya get married. it should be HIS responsibility, not yours. if he wants you in his bed, he should make it assured that you are SAFE while there. If he doesn't, then it must not be all that important to him. my brother used to do things like that in his sleep, but it was from being in a war, i can't remember which one, but he was a navy seal and would have flash backs and nightmares but be like he's awake. he wouldn't remember any of it when he woke up. He needs to get some sort of help for both of your sakes.

good luck!

Answer 8

He should figure out what his sleeping problem is.  That's not night terrors but he should get help.  In the mean time, feel free to sleep in your own bed.  Maybe it will give him incentive to find out what's wrong.

Answer 9

My wife says that I snore like a freight train. I usually find her the next morning in a different bed.

Answer 10

as long as both of you are ok with it, why not?

Answer 11

My parents have been sleeping in separate beds for about half of their 28 year marriage because of my mom's erratic sleep schedule. I'm sure there are other couples.

Has he tried getting any therapy or medication for his sleep issues? Depending on where you live they have actual places specifically for sleep therapy for people with sleep issues including insomnia and night terrors and ANY sleep related issue. Don't think for a moment that it'll ruin your marriage. As long as you two have quality bedroom time you'll be fine. But I would consider seeing about the sleep therapy. There is just something great about waking up next to the person you love.

Best of luck.

Answer 12

Sure they did that in "I love Lucy"...

It's possible, but would you really want to be in separate beds for your entire married life.  I would ask him to seek help for his problem so that you guys can share a bed.

That was my favorite part when I got married, was being able to sleep in the same bed as my husband every night.

Answer 13

Well why don't you tell him maybe he'll do something to stop or try to stop, Cause if you just move to a different bedroom he'll think that there is something wrong or that you are not interested on sleeping with him.  

Answer 14

You need to see help for that. Sleeping in separate beds is not an option. What will you say to your kids in the future? That is taking away the love you can share together at night , holding eachother in arms and fallins asleep. How can you not have that? Take him to a dr. and see what it is they can do to treat this....

Answer 15

My husband has sleep apnea and snores terribly. He said he is going for a sleep study (hasn't gone yet) so we can try to sleep in the same bed again.  But, if it were up to me, we would sleep in separate rooms every night, both get a good night sleep.  I actually get angry at him that he ruins my night's rest.  Sleep is important to me.

Answer 16

I know of a couple who is married and sleep in separate rooms. I think this is more common than you would think as many folks have various sleeping disorders.

Answer 17

Yep, we sleep in separate beds and we couldn't be happier with this situation!  Don't get me wrong--we still have regular s*x, but I just get up and leave the room when we're done.  Now and again we'll cuddle afterwards and I'll fall asleep in his arms, but once the punches start flying (much like in your relationship!) I get up and leave the room.

When I had to duck and avoid this while we were in the same room, it only resulted in both of us in bad moods the next day.  I woke him up so that he wouldn't sleep so deeply and the tossing would stop...but then he never got any deep sleep.  Neither did I.  When we slept in the same bed we hardly had s*x because we were both totally exhausted.  Now that we sleep in separate beds, we have much more s*x than ever before!

I know it will be hard to get used to, but give it a try.  A happy couple is what makes a great marriage, not necessarily sleeping in the same bed all the time.  If you spend quality time with him in the bed before he drifts off to sleep he might appreciate that a lot.

Answer 18

Sleep in a different bed. He'll understand. :) You need sleep.  

Answer 19

My grandparents do and they're perfectly happy.

There's no problem with it you'll be asleep anyway!