Is it possible to really move on?

Question

Here's my situation. My mother married a guy who was my biological dad and he treated us pretty badly, they got divorced when I was like 7 or 8 and I stopped speaking to him once we moved.

Anyway it hurts a lot that I never had a decent dad who really loved me, even in basic decency my own dad failed. I'm in my twenties, an adult, and even though I went to counseling I still can't get past the hurt of never having a good dad.

It hurts when a friend is close to a dad or hugs their dad, and I don't like hearing songs about fatherhood or watching movies that have to do with dads. When people say move on, I know what it means because I have done that often in my life about many situations, but just in this area I somehow can't.

I treat men decently and fairly, I didn't go off the deep end in feminism or anything like that. I believe in humanism more than feminism. Anyway, every once in awhile I go and break down about not having had a dad. And please don't say pray to god or anything religious because from 16-20 I was a serious christian. Its not something that I believe to be true.

Answer 1

To me move on is never the best answer, confront your biological father, talk to him, actually try to get to know him more. After that then you should move on, once you realize that he is not worth your suffering and effort. Losing a father is not everything remember you still have your mother beside you, she will always be there for you.

That is my answer

*LP*

Answer 2

The reason why you cant move on might be bcuz you still pin some hopes about your dad? as in you think he is able to treat you better or things like that? Or maybe you just feel that its unfair that you have this "kind" of dad and you wished you had a more normal dad- the ones that hug you and takes good care of you. May be you just have to accept the fact and be thankful for the other areas of your life. Niways, i wish you the best of luck.

Answer 3

Some things just don't heal quite as much. Going through that and not having a good dad can be pretty tough, and you know, it's gonna linger a bit.

Maybe you didn't have a good father figure, but based on the way that you're explaining this, you turned out just fine. I'm sure you've got plenty of people who care for you, and I'm sure it's much better that your father left your life when you were 7 rather than mistreating you until you were an adult and maybe having you feel a bit angry towards males in general.

Answer 4

Yes, I do believe that you can move on past this in your life.  But you have to take charge and do it yourself. No one else can make you do it but yourself.  

First of all, I think you should read the book, The Secret by Rhonda Burns.  I read it at an all time low, and it helped save my life.  I first realized how negative I was about my life in general and everything in it. I felt alone and trapped with nothing to look forward to in my future.  So, I had to start by clearing out my negativity, and realizing all that was good in my life, and how I needed to be more grateful.  This is a process and takes time, but it works.  I eventually found my happiness that I was born with, and it is shining ever so bright.  I use to think I would be happy one day when I found a spouse... but this was my attempt at an easy way out of not doing the work to find my own happiness on the inside.  

Anyway.... you need to be grateful that you even have a dad, there are so many children born where the fathers took off the day the mother said she was pregnant. Your father did not do this.  There are fathers who beat up and abuse their children on a daily basis... just because they can and they feel like they own and control their kids. I don't think this is your case either.  I am sure your mother and father had problems and your father left, and maybe it was your mother's decision to not let your father have any more time or access to you. Perhaps she was afraid of what he might do.  But in any case, this man is still your dad, the only one you will ever have.  And if he is still alive, then you should reach out to him because you are his daughter, and you will now get to know him on a different level as being an adult.  Maybe things will never be like your friends, or on the movies with "Dads"... but that is ok... you have an opportunity to change things if you want to.  

Also, either way... in what you choose.... you need to surrender that part of your life, those issues that you have... because why do you want to live day in and day out letting this eat you alive, when you can be living and spending quality time with your dad?  We are not guaranteed any particular amount of time in this world, your father could die tomorrow or next week, and he would be buried... and you would not only have these same issues, but perhaps more as you never took the time or effort to reach out to him, and now it is too late.  

There is a little saying I like, "Yesterday is History, Tomorrow a Mystery, and Today is  GIFT!"  So, get past your yesterday, and don't count on tomorrow... live today, and make the first move to mend your relationship with your father.

Thanks for reading!

Answer 5

I believe some things in life you can't get over, you just learn to cope with it. Don't beat yourself up. Not having a dad that cares about you left a big gap, and I think it will always hurt. Have you thought about approaching your dad and telling him how you feel? That may help.

I wish you the best.

Answer 6

I think there comes a time in our lives when we have to stop blaming the past and look forward to our future.  

Answer 7

Personally I kept this secret as I don't want to remember it anymore. I had the same experience but the damage weighs 18 years of my life, having a violent father. I was relieved at least after several years of my life. But I believe we can get over that experience although the hurt may still linger on at times..

Yes, Phoenix Quill's answer was right and tested. Cause I did what he just answered you..I also did the reverse too, so I could have much figured it out in time. I was almost a lost soul.

Nothing can force that heal well. You may also need quite a time for that. Just try and persevere on your right track. So you may attract a beautiful life and loving mate someday. Later on that time when you find yourself well off better than before you felt. You can be so grateful cause from that experience you have come to emerge out to be a greater person as you can ever be.

Answer 8

...yes it is...to make it a better place for YOU...thanks for asking...

Answer 9

While it may not be possible to really move on (as in blank out or forget completely),  I believe it is possible to come to terms with the reality as you grow up and see the reason why it happened.  You will be able to see your father's point of view also...whether it was justified or he was plain evil.  You will also come to know that not everyone is like him.  The hurt will diminish surely and only memories will remain.

I also believe that other people play a very significant role in helping heal.  When you find such a person who can help fill those voids,  you would be much happier even with this reality.  Just be open...while still remaining careful about who you trust or not!

Answer 10

Time moves us on, willingly or not.

The only question is how long you plan to beat yourself up over a past you can't change.

Got it?  You've had a cold S****y past.  With a little effort you can have a warm cozy future.  

And how are you spending your energy?  

To stay in your cold S****y past.   lol.  Why are you treating yourself like your dad did?  Haven't you figured out he was an @ss?

Theres a guy out there who needs & will return your love.  There are people who care about you.  Spend your love on them.  

Every second you spend whining about love you didn't get in the past, is a second you don't spend finding it in the present.

You can't stop $hit from happening.  

But you don't have to keep it on the table.

You are sniffing garbage instead of planting a garden.  

You move on by realizing garbage is fertilizer, not food.