Is it possible to say goodbye without going to a funeral?

Question

My nan recently committed suicide and i've come to terms with this and i feel that i do not wish to say goodbye to her at her funeral, my mother is going mad calling me selfish and disrespectful.

I have already paid my respect to my grandmother but i am angry that she has done this because her daughter (my aunt) committed suicide a several years ago.

I have agreed to attend the wake to keep my mother happy.

Your opinions please?

(By the way - i'm not religious, so please don't bring religion into this, thank you)

Answer 1

Funerals aren't for everyone and your mother should respect your decision. While they are attending the funeral why not write a note to your Gran and tie it to a balloon and let it go into the sky.

Sorry for your loss hun and good luck for the day x

Answer 2

My dad died 7 years ago and i went to his funeral and tbh it didn't make a difference... i think i would have preferred it if i didn't go, i have only been to visit his grave once...

my point is is that the time he died was awful and horrible and i don't wanna remember that, i'd rather remember the time he was alive and in my life... i still live in our old family home and i think about him every day, i have my own memories...

i know some people think of funerals as closure, but sometimes it isn;t the best thing for everyone... i know your mum would be upset if you didn;t go, but tell her ud rather remember your Nan alive than have ur last memories of her to be at her funeral

...hope that makes sense, and sorry for your loss

Answer 3

Yes, one can say goodbye from a continent away or next street over. I have lost several this year, attended one wake-visitation thing (My best mate's dad). I only went for the sake of me mate, his brother, and their mother. The fact I drove over 100 miles one direction, in a nasty storm was of no consequence to me because the survivors ment much.

I can understand your giving in to support your Mum. She will need all the help she can find at the mo.

As far as your question more specifically:

I can say my parting words better alone I think. I avoid funerals when at all possible. All funerals are really for is the living and ought not be an obligation.

A word: Please don't blame you nan, we can't know the pressures of depression and other things that can torment the mind of others, including the eldery.  

Answer 4

What are your reasons for not wanting to go to the funeral?  

When my stepdad died I was terrified of going to his funeral and really wanted to just sit at home and avoid the whole thing.   Although it wasn't the nicest experience it was a beautiful service and I am so glad now that I went.    Even my gran (who never goes to funerals) came, it was nice for all our family to be there together.  

Unless you are a young child I think it might look a bit disrespectful not to attend.

Answer 5

If you are an adult, it is your decision whether or not to attend.  Keeping other people happy, is not your responsibility.  Your responsibility, is keeping yourself happy.  

I have been to funerals and cremations, and never in the past found there to be a problem.  However, sometimes there is conflict between people who might attend.  Sometimes, it is more diplomatic not to attend and to pay your respects in your own time and in your own way.

You can visit the crematorium, or the grave, at any time after the burial/cremation on your own.  

Answer 6

i didn't go to my grandad's funeral, and i really regret it. i didn't visit him enough when he was ill, and didn't attend. now, at least every month he appears in a dream. i don't know where his gravestone is either, so i can't make my peace yet.

Answer 7

You should be there for your mum, she's got enough to worry about.

Answer 8

Oh no it's fine! I didnt go to my nans funeral either...you dont have to go to say goodbye. Your nan is part of you forever ...she is part of you because without her you wouldnt be here...so say goodbye to the living nan...and welcome the spiritual one which will always live right alongside you. Whenever you say something that she taught you...that's her...whenver you see something she liked and smile...that's her....it goes on.

Answer 9

yes you can

Answer 10

I'm so sorry for your loss! I lost my nan (my best friend) in February So i can relate to you a little. Its totally your choice how you wish to say your goodbye...no-one can make you do anything! Your nan is looking down on you anyway so if you decided not to go to the funeral I'm sure she will understand! Your nan must have been very depressed to commit suicide and I'm sure she had her reasons for doing so. Don't be angry at her she obviously could see no other way....Just remember all the good times. That's what keeps me going anyway...Good Luck xx

Answer 11

Yes it is possible - You do what you have to do for yourself and I imagine you might be having a raft of feelings to deal with. Funerals are supposed to be a place for the living - to start off the grieving process - There is the finality of putting someone  in the ground when oyu know that they truly are dead and you  face that and start to come to terms with the loss and what it will mean to you personally. and sometimes they work and sometimes they don't - I htink it depends a lo on the sensitivity of the person taking the service (I am not religious either  but sometimes there is a flake of  wisdom to be had)

If you are feeling fragile maybe finding your own ritual would help? Or could you look at the funeral from a distance and see if you feel moved to join in?

I really understand your  anger at your nan - sounds real and sounds liek oyur grieving proess has already begun and hte goodbye is with you - and maybe she did the best that she could; maybe you will do better - maybe oy will find soem forgiveness for yourself.

I seriously don't get 'family duty' - I think your major duty is to yourself  and keeping yourself well and then the family will benefit. Give yourself permission to do whatever it takes to be on your own side and don't let anyone put you down for it.    

Answer 12

if you dont want to go then dont and say your goodbyes in your own way and you are not being selfish or disrespectful, you will always remember your nan and going to a grave yard will not change that.People deal with death in different ways and this is your way.  

Answer 13

Yes i do think that it is possible to say goodbye without going to the funeral, but going through the funeral is part of the grieving process.  Also i think that someday in the future when the anger has gone you may regret that you didnt go to the funeral.  

Answer 14

i dont think u should be forced to go. i think that going to a funeral that u dont want to go is disrespectful. you should be able to say good bye in your own way.

Answer 15

Whilst out working today, I encountered & chatted with an old lady whose friend had died recently.  She would not attend the funeral itself but did go to the cemetary and stood at the gates.  As the other mourners passed she gave one a miniature bottle of whisky, and told them to pour it into the grave, after the mourners had tossed in a handful of earth each.  When asked why she replied that the friend had been fond of a drink, and she said that she wanted to raise a toast to his memory, as her way of saying goodbye.  The other mourners gave her a round of applause for this mark of respect.

We all deal with grief in different ways, and sometimes attending a funeral just doesn't help.  It is not selfish nor disrespectful not to attend a funeral.  Try lighting a candle for your grandmother in the church if you are able.

Answer 16

I'm so sorry to hear your story.  

If you don't want to attend the funeral then your mother should respect that.  Everybody has a different way to deal with their grief.  It might help if you talk to her and explain your reasons for not wanting to go.  Just make sure that in years to come you won't regret not going.  I hope this helps and my thoughts are with you.

Answer 17

I don't believe you need to attend the funeral...

I think however you want to say goodbye to her is up to you...

Your mother should respect this...



I know she is probably having a hard time herself and this is being aimed at you...

I personally hate funerals...and will not be having one of my own...

I find them very hypocritical...

as most are religious even though the person has probably not been..

They have people to talk about the person who they never met...

They are too formal...they should be more relaxed and people should be able to say what they want....

Im sorry for your loss and the circumstances around it...

Hope you have peace in your family soon

Answer 18

You don't need to go to a funeral to pay respects to those you've lost. If you're mother would like you to go, you're a good person to go anyway.

Answer 19

I did the same thing.

I didn't attend my grandmother's funeral as I saw her die right in front of me on her deathbed.

My mother also got angry at me and kept telling me how absolutely horrible I was.

I went to her house after she died and said goodbye to her there.

I didn't feel that I needed to say goodbye to my own grandmother by attending a funeral because that was what the social "norm" was or still is.

I did it in my own way.

I think what you did was perfect. For yourself. That's all you can do.

Answer 20

I would do what feels right for you. Paying respect in your own way can be even more thoughtful & personal than going to a "proper" funeral. Bearing in mind a funeral is a religious ceremony it would be of no benefit to you to go as it would contradict your beliefs. I dont think it is in any way selfish as people grieve in different ways & you are compromising by going to the wake. It does not meen you dont love & miss your grandmother.

Answer 21

sorry to hear of your loss.

i have always believed that people cry at death for their own loss. if you have managed to come to terms with this already then that's your way of dealing with it.

you don't have to attend the funeral to say bye but  if your mum wants you there for her support then you need to consider supporting the family. if she only wants you there cause she think it disrespectful not to go then explain your reasons - bear in mind she may not be as strong as you!!!

Answer 22

Yes you could just say your going to miss her a funeral is just a fancy way of saying goodbye. Personally i don't like going to funerals because i always feel so sick. If you don't want to go then you can tell your mom that it would make you feel bad to see your grandma in a casket. You can always visit her grave and place flowers on it or something

Answer 23

I can't really know how you're feeling right now, but I do know what its like to lose someone who was close to you. I know you're feeling like your nan was being selfish and conceited not thinking about how her death would affect you, but you have to also remember she must've been in quite a bit of pain to do this and that you should remember her for who she was, not what she did. I think no one can really understand suicide until they experience it themselves. Although its very sad and upsetting, I think you should go to the funeral. I don't know whether it is going to be open casket, but either way this will be the last time you get to be physically close to your nan. You should try to do what she couldn't do and think of her rather than yourself and attend the service. Being not very religious myself, I felt that going to the service of my friend really helped bnng closure within me and helped me to gain knowledge of death and also helped me to realize how important it is to spend every precdious moment you have with the ones you love. I hope whatever decision you make yoiu will soon be happy and at peace with yourself and your nan. Im sorry for your loss.