Is it really fair to your marriage to put your children before your husband?

Question

I have always put my marriage first......before my children. I am certainly not saying that my children come "last" and of course I have always made sure all of their needs were met. However, I have always felt that if my marriage is not strong, how could my children grow up with a strong sense of security? My children have to take the "backseat" at times to make this possible......not always....at times.

Anyone understand what I am saying?

Answer 1

You're right--your marriage comes first!  Children need their parents to have a healthy marriage and if they have to take a "backseat" sometimes, that's OK.  You love them and your husband, you just can't let your marriage fall behind the kids!  Many couples focus all their attention on their kids and forget about each other.  Then, when the kids leave home, the parents get a divorce--they don't know each other anymore or what to do now that they have time alone.

Answer 2

What exactly do you mean by "put my marriage first"? They are really different relationships and I don't think there should even be "my marriage first or my kids" type of question. You are both supposed to be raising these young things dependent upon both of you and if he puts choices like "either me or the kids" in front of you then he is an insecure bum! I have known people that have been abused by their fathers while the mother did nothing perhaps she also thought it was more important to put her marriage first? So be careful!

Answer 3

I'm not a mom but I am a daughter to a single-mother. Never, had she put her marriage before my sister and me. Sure, sometimes I wonder how it would be like to have had a father but what's the point if my mother wasn't getting along with him? They would keep fighting and fighting in front of us and that, is not security at one point it is even scary. I would rather have my mother truly happy then force herself to be with someone she doesn't get along with on the inside.

Even though my sister and I saw my mom go through rough times, we went through it together and that gave us security. So in my opinion I think, at times they need it the most, you should put your children before your husband and also because they are the ones growing, you're husband should know better in the first place to put both of your guys children before yourselves.

Anyways, this is just from the 'children' point of view. I hope this helps.

Answer 4

Greywolf put it perfectly. I was going to offer an opinion but I couldn't put it as well as that! lol

Answer 5

There's a difference between meeting kids' needs and spoiling them.  One of their needs is a healthy family.  If I have to choose between meeting the needs of my kids or my wife, I will choose the kids.  Fortunately, I have not had to do that just yet.

Answer 6

It is definitely fair as long as you make some distinctions.

The NEEDS of your children come before you and your husband's NEEDS and definitely your wants.

Your NEEDS, including the need to be connected, maintain your marriage, bond with each other, come before your children's wants, but not their needs.

I'm 99.99% sure when you use the term "backseat" you're talking about things your children want, but don't need.

I'm impressed that you feel this way and you're absolutely correct that maintaining a strong and healthy marriage is more important than catering to your kids' wants.

Answer 7

Another ditto for Greywolf.

We have been together for 4 years now and have just had our first child.  It took us a few months to realize that it can't always be about the baby/child - otherwise we would lose ourselves as a couple and as individuals.

I believe that we are lifelong mates and that our relationship with our child is lifelong as well.  However we also believe that we chose (and continue to choose through emotions and actions) each other and chose to produce a child through our love for each other and desire to be together through the moments that will inevitably occur as the cycle of life progresses.

I understand where you're coming from.  I think that you have the right idea (and the years of marriage and experience to prove it).

To those who offered viewpoints from the child's view:  I wholeheartedly agree with you that it was best for each of your situations that your needs were put first.  I come from a broken home and believe me that these situations are NOT what the original question was regarding.  The suggestion is that couples who love each other and wish to remain together should make a point to make time for themselves and their relationship.  If a relationship is destructive then by no means would this apply - that would be a situation that involves the child's NEED for a happy, healthy, stable environment.

Answer 8

That is a very difficult question.  Apparently "they" (whoever the infamous they is) say that you should put your significant other first.  Often in marriages, once the children grow up and leave home, the marriage falls apart because the couple have nothing in common anymore.  

So yes I understand what you are saying, and I kind of agree.  But it's easier said than done!  My baby is only 15 months, so maybe it's different when they are still so little?

Answer 9

i would have to say if you have three grown children and they love you and a marriage that (so far) has lasted for 20 something years... your doing something right... people now a days should commend you... every person is different, every marriage is different, my husband and i have two children and they are the world to us... im not saying that yours aren't to you i'm just saying when we decided to get pregnant we decided it wasn't about us.. it was about what was best for ALL of us. at times i wish i could put the kids on "the back burner" to rekindle some flames with my hubby but they always seem to light back up on their own... :-)   i think that you should do what feels right for you... obviously what your doing is working for you and at the point in your life that you seem to be at... you have every right to put your hubby first!