Is it really fair to your marriage to put your children before your spouse?

Question

I have always put my marriage first........ before my children. I am certainly not saying that my children come "last" and of course they have always had their "needs" met. However, I have always felt that if my marriage is not strong and healthy, how can my children grow up with a strong sense of security? My children have had to take a "backseat" at times to make this possible.........not always.......at times.

I love my children with my entire being and they feel every bit of that love. However, my marriage will always come first. Does anyone understand what I am saying?

Answer 1

Absolutely.  I feel the exact same way but I put God first, then marriage, then the children.

Marriage is the core of the family unit.  If my husband and I are falling apart, so goes the family.

Answer 2

I feel very much the same way I have been married 4 years and I believe that a health happy relationship between husband and wife is critical for your children. My marriage comes first so that my children can thrive in their environment.

Answer 3

Sorry, but I have to disagree with everyone who said that marriage should be put first, as do both of my parents.

If you need to make a choice between doing what's best for your child and doing what's best for your marriage, you should always choose your children. You and your spouse are adults, but children aren't able to fend for themselves, they depend on you, which means you must always put them first.

Usually, what's best for the children *is* what's best for the marriage, but this is not always the case, and it's more important that you care for your child's needs (even if this means divorce, and there *are* times when divorce is best for the kids - my aunts first marriage, for example, would have only hurt her kids if it continued) than it is that you get along well with your spouse.

Now, I completely agree that your marriage should come before many things, but the children, in my opinion, should not be one of them. The children are on this planet because of you, you have a responsibility to them that outweighs any obligation or responsibility that you have for anyone else in this world, and that includes your spouse.

I know that my parents would put me before their marriage in an instant if it were necessary, and that is what makes me feel safe and secure. I know that they put me before their own happiness, just as I do for them. They both put me (and my sister) first so their marriage has never had to suffer, but if that were not the case, neither of my parents would hesitate to put me first.

So I guess my answer is no, I don't understand what you are saying. If I may ask a question in return, is it really fair to your children to put your spouse before you child?

Answer 4

Dunno

Answer 5

i absolutely agree! if your marriage isnt strong, then your family isnt strong. your marriage needs to be strong so your kids have good parents that get along and love each other! that gives your children good role models, and they will always remember they had wonderful parents that got along... while other children have parents that fight all of the time and get divorced. your kids wont have to experience that! i think it is great that you take that approach! :)

Answer 6

I'm with you - it's marriage first.   It seems lots of moms spend so much time catering to their children that they neglect their marriage.  Then when the kids are grown & gone - the neglected spouse (who may have been staying around for the kids) is gone too.  Your children are watching and learning about marriage & relationships.  Lead by example.  You won't regret it!

Answer 7

I do! And I have always lived by what you said as well. If you don't have a strong and healthy foundation, then anything you build on top of that will falter. You must have a good relationship with your spouse in order to keep things running smoothly in the other areas of your life. Not to mention, by showing your children that your relationship is strong, it's teaching them the correct ways to have a healthy marriage and healthy relationships with others including their future children. If Mommy and Daddy can't work together, then the children will suffer.

Of course as you said, as long as their needs are met. Keep doing what you are doing. I really don't think there is only one correct way to raise children!!!! Parenting isn't about going by the book, it's about daily improvisation!!!

Answer 8

I agree with you completely. I haven't personally experienced anything thus far thats been an issue in achieving that. If my husband and I are talking, my daughter has to wait untill we're finished. Unless its something really important of course. Other than just teaching her when we are talking she isn't to interupt...there hasn't been anything thats presented a problem. My kids are young, so who knows what the future holds, but for us everything has come fairly naturally. We've transitioned into being parents with ease. I think I know what you mean though. Some of the "reality" shows on tv, and other parents we've been around just spoil the kids rotten, and don't have much of a relationship with one another. I'd imagine that would make for a miserable marriage. It seems more women do this than men. From what we have seen, the men get tossed asside. I can't imagine what he'd think if I just ignored him constantly, and catered to the kids' every whim. He'd probably divorce me I'd think.

Answer 9

I agree with you COMPLETELY. I believe when you find your soulmate...children are a product of your union..Any woman who say's that she puts her children before her soulmate does not know what love is & does not value her own life...therefor she can't be a good mother.

Answer 10

What is an example of where the marriage comes first? I'm not following that. I have, in 6 years, never had to put one or the other first. Everyone is taken care of & all their needs are met. I see your point about having a strong marriage & all but I don't see why one has to be put before the other.

Answer 11

It is what ever works best for you.  Opinions on her from others shouldn't matter to you.  You should do what is best for you and your family.

Answer 12

KIDS...COME...FIRST...1ST..LAST...ALWAYS !!!

Answer 13

I personally feel that you should not put your marriage before your children. You can choose your spouse, but you can't choose your children. No matter what kind of a parent you may be your children are going to love you unconditionally. Your spouse asked to be a part of your life, your children did not.

Answer 14

I think the FAMILY as a whole should come first, not one or the other.  A FAMILY.  Not a spouse or children.  FAMILY.  And FAMILIES, just like marriage, involve compromise.  At times, one person is going to have to give while another takes, and vice versa.  It involves working together, to come to a common goal.

I believe a couple others said something simular to this, and this is what I agree with as well.

One day, you may need to focus on your spouses needs, the next your kids, and the day after that it may be your needs.

Answer 15

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS YOUR CHILDREN SHOULD COME FIRST AND OVER ANYONE, EVEN YOURSELF.

Answer 16

So if your husband was abusive to your kids you'd stay with him? Hmm, I disagree. I think the kids come first- you created them & that's where your loyalties should lie, at least while they're minors.

Answer 17

I understand what you are saying. I also agree that your marriage needs to come first. If not for the marriage, then the babies wouldn't have come, right?  

My mom and I have had many conversations about this. My mom and dad are still married (32 years this year), but mom always tells me that the worst mistake she ever made was when my brother and I were born she sort of "forgot" about her marriage, and became only mommy. When we left, she said she and dad almost broke up, because she didn't really know him anymore. This is something that I don't want to happen to my husband and I.

So yeah, I agree. Our marriage needs to come first, and our children need to come second. Their needs will be met, obviously, and they will be met quickly, but my marriage needs to always be right there, because that's the reason for the situation as a whole!

Answer 18

We always try to do what's best for everyone, too. I think I pretty much put my husband and kids equally. I'm a people pleaser and i want everyone to be happy and healthy and comfortable. My husband and i both spend loads of time with the children, but when it's our time- we don't hesitate to let them know it. They also know that we stand by each and my husband and I are a team. We are all a team.

I'm just trying to think here. I really think I put them equally. LOL I believe my husband is pretty equal with me and the kids, as well. I don't think we put anyone first.

Answer 19

Understood... but you also need to come to the reality of things that if you BOTH do not work on being there for your kids.... then they will grow to resent you. I am sure you do not want that.  Personally i would never put my children on the backseat to make it possible for my marriage to withstand the strength it does. If it cannot stay strong while having kids and knowing what all follows, then it would not be right to place your children on the back burner.... your kids cannot live without you- your marriage may break... but you can still go on.

Answer 20

In some senses yes, but in other senses, no.

Say your spouse is harming your children, I wouldn't put him first.  If my babies need something, they are going to get what they need.

Children and your spouse should not compete with one another.  They should actually be a common goal worked toward with both parents together.

This is an example:

When my twins were first born my husband and I worked together to take care of them at night.  I simply COULD NOT do it alone.  Was it hard on him, certainly... but I needed his help.  One thing we chose to do in order to get through it was co-sleep.  My aunt and uncle thought that was HORRIBLE and that we were putting the children ahead of our marriage- but it was a joint decision.  We both wanted to do that and we did all sleep together in the same room for 7 or 8 months.  Some people felt it was completely wrong.

Now, my marriage is on rocky ground right now because I am pregnant again, exhausted, taking care of 13 month old twins.  My husband is stressed out at work and we're not getting along well.  It's not because we're putting our kids first, though.  What can we do?  We have twin toddlers and another on the way.

We're just doing out best.

But anyway, aside from my long drawn out answer....

The FAMILY as a whole should come first and in the family contains the mother, father, and children.

All of them together as a unit comes first.

I don't see my husband and my children as opposing forces.  If they were, and I tried putting my children after my husband he would be upset with me and tell me to think of them first since they are just innocent little toddlers.

Also, say a husband wants his wife to formula feed their child so he can enjoy her b*****s as sexual objects again... I think that's wrong.  I wouldn't sacrifice breastfeeding for my husband's sexual desires.

EDIT:

Perhaps I have a skewed view because right now I am dealing with twin 13 month olds and I am expecting another baby in February.  I am in the baby stage where they don't necessarily understand that they need to wait.  My husband and I both sacrifice ourselves for the kids.  We take turns eating supper at night so one of us can mind the babies and it's going to be like that for awhile.

Certainly when they are older we will stop catering to them so much and start focusing more on each other, but I FIRMLY believe that the more love and attention you can give to your babies and toddlers, the more compliant and less of a problem they will become as they age.  They will already feel secure and loved and won't need to act out for attention, because they have already gotten so much positive love and attention.  They will get attention for sure... but he and I will give eachother more attention later when we're no longer stretched so thin!

Answer 21

I cant believe anyone would put anything or person-even a spouse before their children. That is unfathomable to me!

YOUR CHILDREN SHOULD ALWAYS BE FIRST-even before yourself!!

Answer 22

Mm....what's an example?

EDIT: Ok, playing off of Momoftwingirl's example, my husband and I always try to do what's best for the FAMILY. Sometimes that means we put the kids first and sometimes that means we put or marriage first. Depends on the situation at hand.

My example is going on right now. We had a big issue with my husband's company moving us around, breaking promises etc. They offered my husband a job back in March that is in Chicago. We just moved to MD for his job in July 2007 from NJ, built a brand new home, got the kids settled etc. We knew if we sold the house, we would lose a lot of money. We'd then have to  move the kids and they'd have to start in a new school again...but if he didn't take the job, we'd be screwed. He's getting overpaid BIG TIME because he's been with this company since college, but it's what we really need with 4 kids. So M-F he's in Chicago and I'm here at home with the kids. It's hard, but I manage. We then put our marriage first when we go out every Saturday night. It's a strain on our marriage, him only being home for 48hrs, but the choice was what was best for the family.

Best Wishes =]

Answer 23

I put my daughter before anyone.

I dont think that your way is wrong tho, It makes for a stronger marriage and a happy marriage with the way you look at it, I am just addicted to my daughter and love her with all I have.