Is it really in my daughters best interest to have the adoptive parents in her life?

Question

ex g/f disappeared 8 months pregnant and gave our child up without my consent in another state. I filed and notified the agency and the courts i was contesting. 2 months later i moved to that state to meet my attorney and get her. i found out 2 months later she wasn't in the state and had been given to a family at birth. paternity is proven i now have had visitation for 9 months. the family intervened and sued me asking for sole custody should they be allowed to adopt and want support and medical from me.everyone knew before she was born i said no . when she was 2 months old i moved to the state she was supposedly in.at 7 months i got court ordered visitation till trial. i met my daughter for the first time at 10 months and the agency and family are claiming that it would be truamatic to sever the bond they forged because of her development stage. they have done nothing but delay so they can plead this. 19 months of my first childs life and $130000 to date. how can they justify it?

Answer 1

Im really sorry this happend to you but you need to also see things from their point of view. To them its THEIR child, and they love their baby.  They have been around her and raised her since birth and all she knows is them! They are NOT the bad people they are VICTIMS also. Your girlfriend is the perpratrator here and she has cause alot of pain for alot of people. Because this couple was told they were going to be given this baby and have raised it for going on almost 2 years and here you are now trying to take the child away. I know you are upset but please be greatful that theses people love your child THAT MUCH! If you are going to hold anyone accountable let it be your ex. Where they are going with the support and medical is probably if they have to share custody.  If they are able to adopt the child then Im sure there is no way they can ask for that.

Next time choose a person you can trust before creatign a child, because your ex is caused alot of pain for alot of people.

Answer 2

Birth Dad in h**l, as I said on the other post I am so sorry that this is happening to you.

KEEP FIGHTING

I wish you the very best and I hope that this will be over for you very soon. She will GET OVER losing the bond with her aparents for 19mths she will NEVER Get over Losing her Dad for the rest of her life ....

Answer 3

Do not give up.  That child belongs with her biological father.  And from what you are saying these people are not very ethical so it's not in her best interest to stay with them.  Make sure you bring up their deceitful tactics to the judge.  If they keep moving around to make it difficult for you then they are bad people and do not have the best interest of the child at heart.  Keep fighting you will win.  Pray a lot.

Answer 4

This is a tough one to give such an adamant opinion on.  I want to first say that I am sorry for what you are going through.  I can't imagine someone doing this to me.  And, when i say someone doing this to me, I am talking mainly about your ex.  

If she wanted you out of the picture so badly, then who knows what stories she has come up with about you.  And, if she spread some horrific lies, then I don't blame the aps, or paps for being fearful of returning your child to  you.

Of course, they may not be thinking that at all and are just selfish and are thinking of how much they will hurt in the end.  It's hard to know why they are fighting so hard, when we have such little information from you and nothing from their side.

I will say this though, if you are fighting this hard to gain custody of her, you must have a big heart, which your child deserves to know and love.  But, it's easy for me to say that, because I haven't heard any horror stories about you to warp my opinion.  

Good luck to you.  Hopefully the other side will realize how wrong they are to pass judgement about you, based on what a desperate ex may have told them.  Even if the ex didn't, who knows what the agency told them.  However, they owe it to the child to find out the truth and if that truth is not horrific, then they owe it to the child to allow you in her life.

Answer 5

i am so sorry this is happening to you and i hope that you continue to trying to get your daughter back. :-) good uck and ill pray for you to get coustdy of your daughter.

Answer 6

It is a very sad thing to have all the people who love your daughter so torn about how to handle this.  I feel so sorry for what you are going through, and also for what the adoptive parents are going through.  They were likely given very different information about you and your involvement from the very beginning.  This is not uncommon, unfortunately.  Sounds like your ex-g/f set everyone up -- you, them, the agency -- and most of all -- your daughter.  The "corruption" in adoption is perpetrated by birth mothers more often than people realize -- mostly by falsifying birthfather information.    And now, your daughter is the one who will pay the price for that corruption.  Because unfortunately, either way, she will suffer.   What's been done cannot be "undone", even by a court, because she has known their love form the beginning.  And now, she also knows your love.  Nothing can undo any of that.  

I wish you, your daughter, and the adoptive parents a quick resolution to what is a nightmare.

Answer 7

My first impression on this is that the adoptive parents are not very empathic people, mostly because this is not the type of case where it's normal to push back that hard.  It's easy to see why they feel threatened, but to actively resist a compromise, then sue to force you out of the picture, seems like an overreaction, at best.  

My adoptive parents scowled whenever I'd ask about my birthparents, and only gave up some limited information when I got older.  My adoptive parents ignored the role of genetics, but having reunited with one birthparent, I can tell you with certainty that genetics do matter.  Biology really does have a huge impact on personality, and your personality is probably a better fit for her in the long run.

It's really impressive that you would try so hard to keep your daughter.  I'm not sure how complex this sort of thing is, but it is a niche field, especially after a termination of parental rights and (I'm guessing) your girlfriend didn't tell the court who you were or where you were living.  That said, your attorney is pretty expensive, if the whole $130K goes for legal fees.   I don't practice in this area, but if you are running out of money or just need help with something, feel free to send me a message.

Good luck!

Answer 8

KEEP FIGHTING, keep any and all documentation, papers, appointments, anything that pertains to your fight. As much as the PAP'S want a child, they should have BACKED OFF as soon as they knew something was wrong. They created their own h**l. I understand how attached they have become, but their own desperation for a child is apparent by their actions. Why would anyone want a child that they knew was not legally adoptable. I do feel for them but I do not feel sorry for them. They stand before a childs legal parent, knowing he was scammed by the system and a selfish, self centered female who doesn't care who she hurts. They look at the pain in his face and still feel entitled because of how much they want and how much they have spent.

I don't hate all AP's and PAP's, there is a need for good loving caring people to take care of children who are in need. These people DO NOT CARE about this childs needs. they care about their own.

I can only hope that they come to their senses, switch sides, and sue the snot out of that agency. If that were to happen, and you got your daughter back, then I would say because they demonstrated how much her well being meant to them,  it would be a respectful way for you to show your appriciation to them for helping to restore your family. You could arrange something. Even if it were just pictures, update letters, cards or an occasional phone call or visit.

Answer 9

this is definitely a hard thing to be going through, for you and the adoptive parents. I'm on top of the fence here, because think about it, these people have raised your daughter and loved her, they've given her a life, right now, they are your daughters world. Studies show that if a child has not bonded/hasn't had a chance to bond with their caregiver/parent by the age of two, then it likely won't happen. So you really do have a lot of thinking to do. But i also think that what your ex did was unfair, you should have rights to your daughter even thought she didn't want her, so i can't imagine what your going through with this big dilemma. Just try to think of things from every point of view, yours, your daughters, and the adoptive parents. And like other people said, your ex or even the agency could have told the a.parents horror stories about you, and they're just worried about the baby.

Good luck, I hope that God leads all of you in the right direction.

Answer 10

They justify it because of greed and selfishness.  The delay is on purpose, as you have figured out.  However, claiming trauma is pointless.  She has been their child through fraud.  It is a common tactic.  

Two friends of my brothers were able to reverse adoptions and get custody of their babies. One at 11 months old and the other at just shy of 2 years old.  The kids have since graduated from high school. No trauma other than knowing how low-down their biological mothers were as well as disgust for adoption agencies in general.

Answer 11

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I have no real help, but I do think that your daughter belongs with the father that longs for her daily. I know that the adoptive parents will be heartbroken, but they will get another chance. They need to do what they would want someone to do if the table was turned. I don't know what episode it was, but last week Dr.Phil did a show about father's rights and adoption. They had some really helpful information on the subject and you should look it up on his website. Maybe you can find some that is willing to fight for your rights!

Answer 12

And people say there is no corruption in adoption.

The best place for your daughter is with you. I am so sorry they are making this so difficult for you. Keep fighting, your little girl needs you.

To be blunt, NO, I do not think that it is in your daughter's best interest to have her kidnappers in her life. They are trying to steal your child through legal means.

Answer 13

no, its not in her best interests to be with them. Her best interests sounds like it was with YOU. From what you've said you didn't have her taken for abuse and neglect, and thats the only reason I would say she shouldn't be with you.

This is wrong, and I am so sorry. You deserve your daughter and she deserves you.

If the adoption isn't final, ( because you say "should the be allowed to adopt ) then I would continue fighting for her. Don't give up, document everything and go to adoption crossroads and find a good referral for a lawyer from Joe Soll.

Also, i want to point out that if the agency was "credible" the "mother" wouldn't have been able to "dodge" the father. The agency would have refused the adoption and placement w/out the fathers consent and the courts termination of his rights.

Please go to http://www.adoptionagencyratings.com and rate your situation and the agency. Expose them. And send me your state through PM if you will :)

Answer 14

Contrary to some of the narrow mined people on here the adoptive parents are not kidnappers! The blame should not be put on the adoptive parents nor the agency. The blame goes to the so called birth mother. They have no way of telling if she is lying about the paternity of the child. I understand that you want to raise your child. But  I also understand how the adoptive parents feel. They have took this child as their own, loved and nurtured it. If you were in their shoes would you be willing to just let go without a fight.. I think not. You are going to have a hard uphill battle here and the cost is not over yet. No matter how this turns out someone is going to be hurt.

In light of your e-mail

If the adoptive parents were aware of all this and knew you existed they are in the wrong., When they took on this child they also took on all the cost involved in raising the child and I don't see how they can expect to recupe any of these costs. In most states they have to prove that you are unfit to obtain sole coustody. If your lawyer is not fighting all the delays then maybe you should look into another lawyer. It is not healthy for anyone involved in this for it to drag out any longer than it has to. Especially for the childs well being. As for them there are expensex involved in trying to get a child, and just because it didn't work out doesn't mean they are entitled to their money back. That is the chance one takes when filing for adoption. Good luck to you and may it be resolved quickly. I realy don't see them bieng given coustody without an adoption since you have stepped up to the plate (so to speak) and want to be the parent to your child (which you have every right to in my opionion) Keep your head up and never miss your visitation, don't do anything that will give them amunition. Good luck.

As to the mention of bonding I was around 3 when I was adopted for the last time. I formed a great bond with my parents  So don't let some tell you that it's too late to bond with your child because it isn't.

Answer 15

It is absolutely in your daughter's best interest to be with you.  These "adopters" are no better than kidnappers.  I don't know how people who do this can sleep at night.  

Unfortunately, this is a very, very common tactic because the longer they keep your child, the stronger their case if for "trauma" if she's separated from them.  It's a low, sleazy and unconscionable practice that adoption lawyers and agencies use all the time.  

I sincerely hope and pray that you will get YOUR child back.  Don't lose courage, keep trying.  You are her father.

The only comfort I can find is that in my heart I know there is a special place in h**l for all these people who are keeping you and your daughter apart, to burn for eternity.

Answer 16

That's Horrific!!!!1

I can see why you would feel so strongly about them. I would to . They are selfish and hurtful.  If I were you and I had a CHOICE of what to do. I would transition the baby back into you home. I believe that doing to same thing into adoptive homes would be a good idea too if possible.

It's not for that PAPs (which they still are unless it's final) wellbeing, but for the baby. She may see you as the person who "took her away". At that age they don't really know why things are going on, but they feel the it. Then the visits could tapper off. I would have them come to you place and pay their own way there and back. I would aslo insist no gifts.

If they love this child, they would be willing to make it a smooth transition. Had our adoption of our son not completed, I would have returned him with my blessing. IT would have been heartbreaking, but It's not about me.

I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm on you side here!!! Just try putting yourself in you hild shoes and think what she would want.

God Bless and good luck.

Answer 17

Wow!  I can't imagine the pain you must be going thru.  Your rights have been trampled on in so many ways.  But I would seriously consider what is best for this child.  I agree that you should have involvement of some sort.  But also realize that the bond she has created with the a-parents has to be a strong one.  Everyone talks about how important the bonding of a child is with the b-mom during pregnancy and the loss that is created by adoption.  To force this child to go through that loss and then the loss of the only parents she has ever known, would be extremely traumatic.  

I do not agree however that the a-parents should fight you for support or medical coverage.  That is ridiculous.  I cannot believe a lawyer can't fight that for you.  

I would also try to fight the ex g/f for continuing with an illegal adoption if she knew you didn't approve.  You should have a case there.  

I'm not against you having a relationship with your daughter.  I think you need to have involvement.  I just worry about her being traumatized again with another loss.

Answer 18

You deserve full custody if it is what you want.  Many children are adopted at older ages.  Children from other countries are adopted at that same age and older.  They are faced with a much more traumatic situation.  They don't know the person who is adopting them from the time they are 10 months.  And they have to adapt to an entirely new culture and language.  They turn out perfectly fine.

Your parental rights override the adoption process.  There is no way you should need to pay the adoptive parents anything.  Didn't they adopt prepared to pay for a child!?  And they shouldn't be allowed to sue you, that is ridiculous!  It isn't your fault that the birth mother did this.  You are entitled to full custody of your own child!  In my state (MN) an adoption is completely null and void if the father is proven and doesn't consent.  

I don't think your lawyer is going about this correctly!  Try and do some research on your own about birth father parental rights and adoptions.  You should talk to local social services.

I say you should fight for your child.  It isn't right that she was taken from you in the first place!