Is it really over, post break up confusion with alcoholic ex.?

Question

my ex and i broke up when i found out he was still doing coke, and was dealing with hi being an alcoholic. we had problems previously because he was always flaky and wasted- affecting our s*x life. he said there were a million reasons it wouldnt work- and seemed to have broken up with me when we talked. we have been together off and on 8 years- and he is the only one i have "been" with. he says he cant give me or promise me what i want and isnt going to make promises to.

he still really wants to be friends, and we have hooked up 3 times and he still tells me he loves me (a lot of times). WHY would he want to be friends - it hurts that he just doesnt view me as a girlfriend. i have a lot of regret that i was too hard on him or gave him to much c**p but a lot of that was in response to him.

also when i asked him if he thought we'd date in the future he said he didnt know. is this a nice way of saying no?

he said im needier than most girls when i asked if it would work with someone else. im afraid he is going to move on and find someone he loves more .

This is our first full week of no contact. he had been trying to talk to me even though i told him not to. looks like he finally gave up, and i can assume he doesnt want to get back together?

Answer 1

I dated an alcholic and have felt the exact same as you. I still miss him. Addicts, be it alcoholics or drug users, share the same selfish, destructive, blame others, deflect problems to others so they don't need to face themselves in the mirror and resolve conflict or own up to responsibility. They cope with all of life's problems and celebrate any excuse by drinking or doing drugs. They usually deflect addiction with distractions like gambling, debt, or nonstop cheating or sexual addictions. They suck people in with manipulative charisma and victim excuses where they constantly feel sorry for themselves.

If he's still blaming you, the relationship dynamics, everything but himself, and the old blame game where he blames you, he's still in denial.

Search for "Al Anon" groups or bulletin boards online. You'll find experiences from other people who have lived with alcoholics (who are addicts so the same behavior applies) in decades long marriages, and ways to heal and move on with your life.

Search for "addiction relapse" and "personality trait of addict" and key words like "relationship with addict--married to addict" and you'll find a wealth of resources.

Also search for "codependent spouse/partners of addict" and enabling. By not cutting the cord and letting him hit rock bottom to face true reality, if you're always there to save him when he's broke,lonely, or needs saving, he'll drag you deeper into a vicious circle and waste more years of your life. They're not thankful when they're on their feet. Addicts only want to stick around when they're down and out. But they are incapable of leading functional relationships because it's all about them but they're incapable of basic understanding on emotional empathy or learning to resolve conflicts.

That means he'll always run away if he has problems in the relationship or if he has problems at work. If he cheats, he'll even expect you to comfort him because his mistress left him. They don't have normal relationships with anyone--not even their friends. Any interaction with them is controlled. You see them and talk to them on their terms. You're allowed to be around them for only as you stay silent and agree with them, otherwise, they call the shots. They disappear and run away when they can't deal. They show up without consideration for others' feelings or availability. They want what they want ASAP but they are incapable of being there for others.

You honestly don't want to end up 65, stuck to a deadbeat addict who eats up all your money and the rent, sitting on the couch doing drugs and drinking booze while you do all the work and he complains you're not doing enough for him.

It's not you. It's him. Never allow him to manipulate you and blame you for what is essentially his mess.

A really good book is "Codependency No More" by Melanie Beattie.

But get yourself to a local Al-Anon group. Get therapy if you can afford to.

Get out while you can. If you love him and you love yourself, the best way is to cut him off and stop enabling him, and find the inner strength in you to figure out why you stayed for eight years. Addicts need to hit rock bottom and they need rehab programs, then the need to constantly go to addiction meetings for the remainder of their lives and re-learn basic human emotion and coping skills because they are intrinsically selfish and stopped emotionally growing at the age they started using drugs or alcohol. So they have to start from scractch. And even then, once they stop, until they deal with the spiritual root of the problem, they're still angry, irritable, antsy, blaming a******s where you have to walk on eggshells so you don't cause any stress---and everything stresses them out and can be used as an excuse for relapse, even the mattress not being soft enough which causes backpain so they need to drink/use to numb the pain.