Is it reasonable to expect faithfulness?

Question

Ok, recently I found out that my husband had an affair about a month ago. On top of that I also learned that he had an affair about 5 years ago with my cousin while I was pregnant with our son. While I'm still debating wither or not I still want to be with him I have lost some much hope and so many dreams.

All of this has caused me to look at relationships differently. I used to think that it was possible for the AVERAGE person (I know there are people out there that are faithful) to be faithful in marriage. Well, now I don't think that any more. I mean I always thought that if I went to someone and told them that my husband had been cheating and then that he had been cheating on me with my cousin while I was pregnant that their response would be to get out! Instead people say to see if you think you can work through it, that's life, it happens all the time. I just don't know. I've lost all hope that people can be faithful in any kind of relationship. What are your thoughts, feelings, advice??

Answer 1

In my opinion, I would divorce. If my husband had an affair that would be the ONLY thing that I WILL NOT put up with. I would never be able to trust him agian. If I can't trust him that will only lead to more marriage problems and he will think he can get by with it. If he married me that is only between me and him. He took that vow just as well as I did. You need to protect yourself. God knows who else he's been with and STD's is something you don't play with. I hear too many times when it comes down to it ( I'll never do it agian, I Promise ) and what happens, he does. I dosen't matter if it's 2008 or 1028 cheatiing is never supposed to happen in a marrige and you also have to think what kind of an exapmle this is setting for your child. If he thinks it's okay it might be setting him up with the same problems you are having. Yes, it might happen all the time. You just have to choose if you want it to happen to YOU all the time. I wouldn't even lay down with my husband if he has been with someone else. Also if you do decide to move on don't loose all hope not all men are like that. I was truly blessed with my husband and he is very devoted to our marrige. If he was to have an issue he comes to me to fix it and we work through it not turn to someone else which will make things worse. It is totaly right to expect faithfulness after all what's a marrige for. If I were going to cheat why would I make a commitment to one person and marry them. That's just my thoughs. My prayers go out to you and your family.

Answer 2

This is the simple answer.

You KNOW you deserve more. Don't put up with it. Once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater. And you will spend the rest of your life with him wondering.  If he genuinly loved you, there is no way he could get into another womans bed. I love my partner and it makes me physically sick to think of cheating on him.

You deserve more than this, so go out and get it. Serves him right  

Answer 3

It is reasonable to expect faithfulness.  It is also gracious to be able to forgive for the sake of the relationship.

If you cannot preserve the relationship because of the damage to the trust and respect you had for your husband, this marriage may be over.  If he cannot do whatever it takes to try and rebuild that trust and help you to restore your faith in him, he's probably not worth trying to keep.

It does happen all the time, but that doesn't make it acceptable, or unreasonable to expect better.  Forgiving doesn't mean excusing or condoning.

Answer 4

Are his affairs acceptable to you?

The bottom line is that you are being disrespected on so many levels. Affairs produce obvious problems but what about STD's and possible pregnancies?

What about your self respect?

Never settle for less than you deserve.

Personally, I could NEVER tolerate my husband cheating. I am faithful and I expect the same. If he ever chooses to go outside our marriage, he will be GONE because I deserve more than that.

And so do you....

Answer 5

I was married to a man who cheated for forty years.  He loved me best...and he was careful.  It just about killed me to learn to live with it, but I don't regret it. What I regret is that I allowed myself to waste a lot of time feeling awful about it!   I finally figured out that he couldn't help it and that he didn't want help; AND he didn't want to leave me or for me to leave him. When I accepted that...life got a lot simpler and we enjoyed all of our time together!

Answer 6

I was only dating a a guy, and he was cheating on me! His father had cheated on his mom numerous time ( he neglected to tell me that) and he had followed in his footsteps. Im kinda there with ya sister, even I have been the cheater! So ppl, we are just horrible, I wish I had better advice for you. My parents are still married and never cheated, and that's how I want my love life to be, honest and truthful and sincere, but it seems like no one is good enough for anyone! no one is just satisfied with one person anymore these days, or they want to have their cake and eat it too. I was his little house wife, cooking and cleaning, and he was talking to a 19 year old girl (hideous in comparison to me) b/c she was "so cool". Gag me. Men are dogs, women are s***s. Its just pure fate when u meet the right one. Ya kno the saying, i can't remember how it goes, something like, The right one will be worth your tears, but he will never make you cry, or something like that. Its true. Im sorry for you that you have a baby and are married to this creep, lucky for me, I packed my Sh*t and was OUT. Now i live with my best friend, riding the single train again. Yeah its fun, but its lonley. I do think that ppl should be able to have self control and the one who is meant for you wouldnt cheat. Im sorry if this answer didn't help. Just thought I'd share my opinion. Good luck, you have a special lil person who is worth all your time now.  

Answer 7

It is absolutely reasonable to expect faithfulness.  Only weak-minded people give in to temptation and cheat on their vows/spouses.

However, my heart really goes out to you.  I'm still hanging on to my 'belief' because that idea hasn't been broken for me yet.  It's really discouraging to hear people say that cheating is normal and that you have to choose whether or not to work through it.

Answer 8

Well, society has become way too tolerant of crappy things in life.  This may be 2008 but what does THAT mean?  A marriage vow is still vow and should be respected.  I think its normal for you to be discouraged right now.  Give yourself time to heal.  I think for sure you should leave your hsuband.  He is a habitual cheater.  Why waste YOUR time waiting for him to come around and change when very likely he never will?  Id leave and get the hurt over with, begin the healing.  It hasent been a waste, you learn about yourself, what you will look for next time and what you wont.  

Answer 9

That was the vow before God wasn't it, h**l yes you should expect fidelity!

Not everyone has no morals, just apparently, most people...

Answer 10

i don't know the answer to whether people can be faithful -but your husband does not want to be, and won't. you need to decide if this is something you are going to be able to put up with.

Answer 11

I feel that people can certainly be faithful to one another.  Marriage takes work and selflessness.  Your husband was a selfish man and put himself before you -- you shouldn't do that.  You need to put your spouse and your marriage above everything else or it will not work out in the end.

Here's the deal.. is he sorry?  Does he really want to make up?  Does he regret what he's done, know he was wrong and feels sincerely horrible about it?

I don't believe in divorce unless there is infidelity or abuse in a relationship, and this certainly qualifies as infidelity!  However, I'm the type of person who condones doing what makes you happiest.  Do you think you'd be able to forgive him?  As much as he was the one in the wrong, it wouldn't be fair of you to remain in a relationship with him if you couldn't forgive him.  Not only would you be torturing yourself for the rest of your life, you would be making him pay for his mistake for the rest of HIS life, which is unfair.  Granted he did mess up and he messed up big.  I know it will take a long time for you to be able to forgive him and move on inside if you even ever can, but he certainly doesn't deserve to suffer for the rest of his life for his mistakes and neither do you.

Do what is best for you -- but do NOT, under ANY circumstances, accept him back into your life if you do not feel he is apologetic or feeling guilty.  If he doesn't feel badly for what he's done, he will most likely do it again.

The feelings you currently have are natural.  You've been hurt deeply and the trust you had in your husband has been ripped away from you.  You're going to be skeptical of whether or not anyone can be faithful, and your scars will run deeply for awhile.  Please, however, do not get rid of your ideals, morals, or expectations.  You should expect that your husband remains faithful to you, and you deserve no less than that.  Do not settle -- even if you want to work things out with him desperately, please do not do so if you think he will cheat again.  Don't lower your self esteem and self respect to that level.

Good luck -- things will all work out in the end.