Is it right for both parents to stay in the military?

Question

I am a 23 yr old military woman. The military has given me opportunities to learn and grow that no other career field could have given me. I love being in the military. Part of me wants to stay in and retire at 20 years in service. The other part of me wants to be Betty Crocker and bake cupcakes all day, be a mother and have children, the works.

Recently, this urge to have children has gotten stronger. I know military families have children all the time. However, I've seen how children can be shuffled around to other family members (like the grandparents) when both the parents are deployed.

I'll be 38 when I retire, if I decide to stay in that long- that's almost to late to think of conceiving naturally. I feel trapped between wanting to be a mom and my military career. Is it right for the child to compromise between the two?

Can anyone who's dealt with this situation before (Mom, Dad, or child) give me advice?

Answer 1

I would say not. I am proud of you and your husband for your service and thank you, however military life is very difficult for children with both parents serving. My suggestion would be to wait. I know the urge to have children is growing, yet your still very young, I suggest setting a timeframe of when to have children in order to delay your decision. Set an age, say 28 when you wish to have children and stay in service until then. At that time, you may feel your priorities have changed. Dont worry about it until then, since believe me, your life and mindset will be different in 5 years.

Answer 2

Me and my husband are dual military. I don't think you should get out. First if you enjoy being in the military, then when you do you are not going to be happy doing something else just to pay the bills. There are many people in the military that have kids, single parents and dual military. If you getting out will cause a financial issue, then don't put that strain on your marriage or child. I was reserve and not to many people or hiring now days or giving raises. When we have to go away my mom get the kids and yes we have things that we do different, but she raise me and I turn out fine. If anything grandparents are easier on the grandchildren then they was when raising us and the kids love being at grandma's house. Plus my mom don't see the kids much so they get spoiled by her and other family members. Follow your heart and think about your kids future. Also all the extra expenses that you will have pay if your not in the military (health care) and the extra money you won't be getting (BAH BAS). Trust me the grass is not greener on the other side, it is greener where you water it. If you decided to stay come up with a good game plan for your daily life with a child added.

Answer 3

I am an Early Childhood Educator for Military children, and I have to say while I thank you for your service, dual military parents are not completely fair to the children. Children have to have some form of stability in one form or another, and I personally have found that children with mothers who are in the military have a harder time as do children who have both parents in the military. It comes down to which is more important to you. Do you want someone else raising your children? And I mean even from the earliest stages (6 weeks old). If you can do that that's great for you, but I think if you even have the desire to be a mom and get out of the military it would best for you to do so before you have children. Best of luck to you.

Answer 4

Thank you for your service.

38 is not too late to start a family.

I find it unfair to the Children to be left with people other than their Parents. And both Parents and Children suffer under such circumstances.

Ingrid

Answer 5

We were dual military, he had a kid from a previous marriage and when I came back from Saudi we planned on having a child of our own.  I had 10 months left of my 4 year enlistment and luckily we got pregnant right away.  What sealed it for us was that we were both scheduled to deploy the summer after our daughter was due (she was born in March) and not only that but we were scheduled for different countries.  We were both cops, so 12 hour shifts, and nights and weekends, and holidays too.  When it was just us and his daughter we had to wake her up at 3:30am to take her to an in home daycare person who took her to a normal daycare when it opened.  This lady also watched her on the weekends.  We tried being on different shifts, and were lucky that our squadron let me bring her to work for shift change and then my husband took her home, waited 3 hours until the daycare opened and took her in, then got a few hours of sleep before he had to get up and do it all over again.  On the weekends he got even less sleep because she was awake all day at home with him.  After trying to get pregnant and dreaming of our child, I couldn't stand the thought of leaving her with my parents when she was only a few months old.  So I let my enlistment run out.  I do miss it and we'd be able to afford a lot more "things" but I don't know, for me I needed to stay home with my baby, and we had another baby 2 years later.  

After my husband divorced his first wife, he was a single parent.  He got lucky and did not have to be gone a lot, he was gone maybe a few months at a time.  His daughter went with her mother when he was gone, but she was not much of a mother (she hasn't seen or talked to her in 4 years.)

Answer 6

I was a military brat.  I am in the USAF now.  

Growing up, both my parents were in.  My dad walked out on us when I was 8.  I still had a babysitter everyday, but my mom still raised me right.  She was still able to come home everyday and check my homework, make me dinner, play and love me.  I don't know what your job is.  Maybe I was "lucky" because she was personnel.  Even when times were hard, my mom was always there and she taught me right from wrong.  I'm thankful for my mom's military service and all the moving around, meeting new people, going new places.  And when she did deploy she was sure to make it clear that she HAD to go for her job but she still loved me.  I think being a brat made me who I am today.  I'm a better person for it and I can fully appreciate all the hard work she did for me.  By the time I was 10-12 anyway I didn't really care, that's when I branched off and made my own friends.  (which btw, military friends are lifelong friends)

Sorry it's so long, it's really up to you what you decide, I'm just giving you perspective from a brat's point of view.

Answer 7

I have not dealt with this situation; but, I am a single mom of a yr old.  Shuffling kids around from mom, to dad, to grandparents etc. is a recipe for disaster.  There is no consistency and they have no real safety net.  This children can never really count on anything.  Just passing my son back and forth between his father causes issues I can visibly see.  Different houses, different rules, different bedtimes, 1 house homework is put first, another it's not...  You need to decide what is more important.  Do you want to be a mom or in the military?  You can still work if you are a mom; but, in a different capacity.  Be fair to your children. The military promises you can "be the best that you can be", please extend that courtesy to your kids.  They deserve the best childhood you can provide.  

Another option...could your husband drop out of the military and be a sahd?  Or you could plan to adopt at 38 and start saving now.  I have friends who recently adopted 2 boys from Russia and it is amazing to see how these little boys lives have changed in the last few months.  They were born into adversity and have been given the world.  You could have the best of both worlds if you choose this route.