Is it right for me to not allow my sister to see our mother??

Question

My little sister has lived with me since she was 3 years old and she is now 12. Shannon (the "mother") comes around when she wants to then she will just disappear and we won't hear from her for several months. When she comes back she tries to make it up to my sis by buying her expensive things and it works until she leaves again. I'm tired of shannon doing this to her so I finally just told her shes not allowed to see my sister. My sister has been upset with me about it and tells me I'm jealous but I just want what's best for her and i don't think she needs someone like this in her life even if she did give birth to her. Am i doing the right thing or not? Thanks!

Answer 1

I think you are probably doing the right thing.  (Though you need to have a serious talk with your mother.  There may be things you don't know,)

However, if "Shannon" is still her legal guardian, you don't have any legal backing to do so.  If you want to be able to make those decisions, you need to seek legal guardianship.  What that entails depends on where you live, and likely a lot of other factors.

Good luck!

Answer 2

I dont blame you for wanting to cut her out and simplify your life. You can see this situation and inconsitency is not good for her but problem is if you dont let her figure that out for herself she may hate you for it for awhile. 12 is a difficult head strong age where she will feel she knows whats best and if Mums bringing gifts that is all she will see not the let down after Mum leaves that you have to deal with. You may have to ride this one out and support her through it highs and lows because even though her relationship with Mum is not a good one it may be important to her. Obviously you have endured this for 12 years a little longer and I think she will learn for herself - stay strong and well done for raising your sister sorry your Mum has made it so hard for you.

Answer 3

It is probably hard to see your mother treat your sister like that.  However you should allow her to see her mother unless her mother his physically harming her in any way.  The good news is that your sister will eventually see your mother as the person she really is. If you don't allow your sister to see her mother she will never understand what kind of person she is and she will just resent you in the end for not letting her see her mother. In this case you have to let her learn for herself that her mother isn't a very nice person.

Answer 4

well you're probably doing what feels right to you but you have to consider your sisters feelings

Answer 5

Yes, you are doing the right thing. My Dad did the same thing by not allowing my mom see me. It is not fair for a parent to come and go as they please. In my eyes you are "Mom" and there is no need for her to get sad and think that maybe she did somethig wrong for Shannon to leave again. Let her know why. Be honest. No matter what she is going to be mad at you and will get over it soon. Or maybe you should tell her now and let it happen one more time and tell her "i let you get hurt once more becuase you said it was all me, now, i am stepping in and not letting this happen again" she will finally see what you mean. Either way, you will be right no matter what. lol

Answer 6

Dont worry you are trying to do the right thing but I am afraid that choice may not be for you to make. She is appoaching her teens and she will soon find out how useless her mother is on her own, she will get there she just has to find out for herself, even if it means getting hurt along the way.

Answer 7

Trying to protect her is a good thing, but unfortunately it's her choice unless you go to court and get a restraining order on the mother.

Answer 8

You can't protect people from life.

Even if it hurts them.

Even if it hurts you.

One thing I can tell you for sure, is that your sister will come to make up a fantasy mom, who would have seen her more often or stayed or been a wonderful mom now, except that you kept her away.

So you will be blamed and she will resent you.

Its very hard for a child of any age to cope with a mom who isn't really a mom.  Let her learn the pain now rather than going through life waiting for her 'real' mom to somehow change into her fantasy.

In the long run its better for your relationship with her.

Answer 9

Hrmm... that is a tough desicion... I wouldn't know what to do either.. But I guess you might want to talk things over with your sister first (if you haven't already) and tell her your perspective on the situation, then try to work out a compromise. I think Shannon is a horrible mother for doing that to her daughter, but maybe she has her reasons... it might be wrong for you to not let her see her daughter if your sister wants to see her... I hope that helps :]

Answer 10

I think at the age of 12 your sister is old enough to make these decisions for herself. Maybe she understands that Shannon will just leave again and just wants the stuff that Shannon is willing to spoil her with. I'd sit down and have a talk with your sister and make sure she understands that just because Shannon is coming back into her life promising all these things, doesn't mean she's going to be truthful and keep her promises, then let her make the decision for herself.

Answer 11

I applaud your taking care of your sister, but rather than removing her mother from her life, let her come to the decision not to see her mother.  It probably isn't going to happen.  She needs you to be you and she needs her mother to be her mother as twisted and pathetic as it is.  You won't win, by attempting to do what you feel is best for her.  In this case, it may cause more trouble.  I would support your little sister, acknowledge the gifts that come to her as being your mom's way of saying you matter to me; yet we both know there are problems.

Answer 12

you are just concerned for her, and i'm very happy for you because you love your little sister all right.

but your sister's already 12.

ask her if she's happy that her mother disappears like a bubble then come back with stuff that she thinks could make up the time that she was gone.

ask if she's hurt.

and you ask an attorney for legality of you not allowing her mother to see her.

you never know, the mother might freak out, and your sister too.

anyway, what's important here that the mother knows what your sister feels, and you assure that it's okay with your sister that she "lives" with her mother in that kind of way.

hope i helped!

Answer 13

I understand your trying to protect her. But unfortunately she is at an age where she feels old enough to make this decision. Do you have legal custody of your sister? I'm not sure why she is living with you or anything like that. But i know in a divorce case, Most courts will allow a 12 or 13 year old to decide which parent they want to live with, this is of course if theres no safety reasons not to place them there.

I think instead of cutting her off from your mom, you should try to talk to her about it. Make sure she knows why you feel the way you do, tell her how much you love her, and how you hate to see her crushed when you mom takes off and leave a trail of tears that you have to clean up.  

Answer 14

She is old enough to decide if she wants to see her mother or not. I think you should let her do what she feels is best.  

Answer 15

You need to let her make the decision about her mother herself. You aren't doing her any favours by shielding her.

If Shannon is as bad as you say, then your sister will eventually see this for herself anyway. If you stop her from finding out herself what her mother is like then she will invent a fantasy of her that is much more sympathetic and you will become the villain for stopping them being together. Far better that you give Shannon enough rope to hang herself by allowing her to visit your sister and ultimately show her true colours.

Perhaps one day Shannon will realise her behaviour has been atrocious and will change her ways. If that happens then your sister is entitled to have her mother in her life.

Could you maybe get some family counselling (either with or without Shannon) to help your sister to deal with her mothers sporadic appearances? You sound like a wonderful sister and I'm sure you'l work this out.

Good luck.

Answer 16

Even though her mom is a deadbeat i would let her still see her if that is what your sister wants. She will end up hating you for not letting her see her mom.

It would make me mad for someone to just come and go as they please but if she wants to see her don't keep her from her mom.

When she gets a little older she will really see her mom for what she really is.

Answer 17

Yes you are doing the right thing by providing your sister with some stability, and keeping your mother's inconsistency away from her. In the long run "shannon" will end up hurting your sister. And of course an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.