Is it right for me to tell my fiance not to have his brother as best man...i swear its not as bad as it sounds

Question

My fiances brother is an alcoholic drug addict and i think that the postion of best man is really important and he is the most undependable person in the world. I dont want my day to be messed up. He ruined my baby shower because he thought that was a perfect oppurtunity to smoke weed right outside! I dont want him to have any responsibility that could s***w up things for me....can i ask not to have him as best man..idc if he is in the party but not best man

Answer 1

Ah it sounds bad and it is.  Who his best man might be is really none of your business. It is very selfish of you to come out with something like" it could s***w things up for me"  What about your poor groom? Do you care about him at all?  You are going to have to learn how to better deal with this situation because his brother is not going to vanish or change because you got married.  

How controling of you and how selfish.  IF you do not care if he is in the wedding party what is the difference if he is the Best Man?  You are about to create big in law problems for your self and you are planting a seed of resentment in your groom that will grow with time exposed to your controlling and self centered behavior.  I kinda hope the groom is the one that does not come to the wedding  I think he deserves better than a whiny controling self centered bridezilla.

Answer 2

well that isnt your decision, and if your fiance wants his brother to be his best man... then let him.. i wouldnt even go over the subject... regadless that is his blood, and hisbrother and no matter what drugs or alch do to him he still loves him.. and i highly doubt that him smoking weed outside of your baby shower RUINED it... grow up a little bit sweetie... dont sweat the small stuff in life, or you will have a hard road ahead of you. and to me you seem to be a little self centered ( you dont want him to s***w things up for me) this is also your husbands wedding.

Answer 3

Ultimately, this is your FI's decision.  And if he chooses him, that's his choice.  I'm sure your FI & any other groomsmen are aware of your FBIL's addictions & will work around them.

Your FI & his parents need to have a very real conversation with him.  Your FI should let him know this type of behavior will not be tolerated.  Should he be found doing drugs or unable to control himself, he will be escorted off the property.

Answer 4

I would tell your fiance WHAT YOU THINk and let him decided. remember its your day as much as it is his (just likethe baby shower). Its not as bad as it seems. maybe your guy will talk to him and he will temporarily give it up for that one night.

Answer 5

This is TOTALLY up to your fiance. I worry that you are marrying someone without 'nads if he can't voice his own opinion respectfully to his mom, or otherwise.

Answer 6

If your fiancee does not want him to be best man for those reasons, and you don't want him to be best man, then the choice is yours and his...not his mothers or anyone else's.

Make the decision and stick by it...people will understand. If his mother throws a fit, so be it. You might get lucky and she might not come to the wedding!

Answer 7

I completely understand where you are coming from. Has your fiance mentioned asking his brother? I know that my fiance asked his brother who is only 18 and likes to drink and smoke pot but I'm close enough with him that he knows I'll kick his little butt if he does something dumb before the wedding. It sounds like you might not be very fond of your bro-in-law to be though so you talking to him yourself is out??? I would talk to your fiance and just lightly mention maybe not having him BEST MAN, giving him the example of your baby shower. But unfortunately, as I'm learning as much as this is OUR big day...it's also theirs so we don't want to discourage them with the plans that they are supposed to be in charge of. I agree with you and hopefully your fiance will too!! Good luck and happy wedding!

Answer 8

I can't answer your question but you need to ask yourself if you're ready to deal with this mother.

If you can't then save the money you will spend on the wedding and the divorce.

If your fianace won't stand up to her now he won't ever and you won't like it.

Answer 9

Well really all the best man does is co-ordinate the bachelor party and hold the ring at the ceremony......If he is an alcoholic im sure he wont have a problem getting a party together, and if your worried about the ring just have your MOH hold both.....

If your fiance really wants your brother to be his best man, let him, there will be other things that you will really want that you can use him picking his brother as an advantage for you getting your way (that sounds a little more selfish that I had wanted lol)

But basically I dont think you should bring it up because it could cause a huge arguement between the 2 of you if thats what he really wants.

Answer 10

try not to TELL him,  ASK him.

sit down and talk this out with your man. let him know that you know he loves his brother, and that it is his decision in the end, but then tell him your reservations about his brother. make sure not to say things that are hurtful to your husband (because he obviously loves his brother) and remain calm.

if he has his heart set on having his brother be best man, try to mitigate the damages by limiting his responsibilities. have you husband hold the rings, maybe eliminate the best man-speeches, etc.

in the end, this is not going to be what you remember about your wedding, and no matter what, this man is in your life now, so don't let it ruin your wedding day or your marriage.

Answer 11

This is a decision that your fiance needs to make and if he does choose not to have his brother as his best man, he needs to speak with his mother about it. Maybe he should even have a chat with his brother and explain to him why he can't have him as a best man. That may help him realize that his actions are affecting the ones around him too.

Good luck. I know it's a tough decision to make. Also, you don't have to rush into that decision. Talk about it with the future hubby. You want your day to be perfect and special.

Answer 12

no its up to him

Answer 13

Wow.  That's a sorry situation, but if he does end up choosing his brother that is something you're going to have to deal with.  The best man really does not have very many responsibilities other than getting the groom to the ceremony on time and sober, helping him through last minute jitters, holding the ring, and giving a speech.  If your guy is responsible and loves you his brother will not have to perform the first two duties.  As for the ring... the MOH can hold it or another groomsmen can step forward with it.  As for the speech you can limit his time to 3 minutes or even less if you like.  Don't worry.  Everything will be fine.

Answer 14

Talk to your man about it and make sure he understands that the wedding day is a day for the BOTH of you and you just want to make sure things go smoothly. If your getting married then you should be able to talk to eachother.

Answer 15

1- its not your day its a day for the two of you

2-its his choice not yours

3-keep the responsibilty low, just be there and be cleana nd sober!

you cant make that choice and its not fair of you to tell him to choose someone else if thats what he reallyw ants.

Answer 16

That is something that you need to talk to your man about. Because it is his brother that may be the main reason why he wants him as best man. Blod is thicker then water. Hopefully your man sees that it would bother you and because he loves you he will have someone else have the responsibilies instead of him. My advice to would would be to appraoch your fiance as SOON as possible becuase that is something that can be a hard decesion to make

Answer 17

I had a similar situation with my wedding...my husband wanted to pick his brother as best man which is understandable it is his brother but i didnt think that his brother was the right man and i dont think my husband did either...i asked him if in his heart he felt that his brother was the right choice not because he is blood but because he has been there for him through thick and thin...i aked him to answer honestly and he said no, he chose his best friend and his brother understood the reason why and was actually happpy he wasnt chosen. So to sum it up it dont make the choice for him dont tell him that he should ask someone else ask him if he feels that his brother has truley been there for him...he'll make the right choice. Good Luck :)

Answer 18

Your best man and MOH should be people that you feel in your heart are the ones that deserve it.

I can most definitely sympathize with your POV, but your fiance feels that this is his best man so he should be the best man.

Answer 19

If your fiance isn't man enough to stand up to his mom about his loser brother, you should probably rethink this marriage altogether.  She'll be running your life forever - it doesn't end after you get married.

Answer 20

Make your wishes known, tell your future husband what you want and why.  And I think you are perfectly reasonable in your concern!  However, ultimately it is HIS choice and you really don't have a say.

But you have to really consider his fear of telling his mom the truth and what impact this may have.  It's not like he WANTS to have his brother, he just feels guilted into it.  What else will she guilt him into??

My MIL has been an issue in the past and having a man that will stand up, respectfully and lovingly - but firmly, to his mom for what is right, has been a huge blessing.

Answer 21

This is one instance where I think the bride CAN put her foot down about who the groom has as a best man.  Go to it girl!