Is it right for my friend to tell her 11 year old daughter this?

Question

My friend was 16 when she had her daughter...she has had a hard life raising a kid as a teenage mother. Now the daughter is 11 and when I went to visit the mother said this to the daughter.."Don't worry too much about boys you don't want to end up like me" and the daughter agreed..I know my friend has had a hard life and she regrets getting pregnant and she wants to make sure her daughter knows how hard it is for a young mother..but isn't she basically sending the kid the wrong message..isn't she saying "having a kid messed up my life..having you made my life hard"...what do you think??

Good or bad?

Answer 1

Do you have any children?  I have two girls and I'm FOREVER telling them not to let boys rule their life!  hehehe... I think it's a natural concern for any mother - whether she was a teen mother or not.  I don't think she was sending her daughter the message that having a kid messed up her life.

Answer 2

You can see both sides of the coin on this one. It is good to let your child know that having a baby isn't easy and that she did have to sacrifice a lot to give her the life she has. It might make her think twice before engaging in s*x at a young age.

Which is probably what she is really trying to do.

Answer 3

no, i think that she wants a better life for her daughter and just meant that she doesnt want her to have a kid at 16 and miss out on everything...

i think its good that she's telling her that. otherwise the kid may think that its a great idea to get pregnant while in high school

Answer 4

I dont see anything wrong with that.  The mother learned from her mistake, and does not want her daughter to have such a hard life.  The daughter prob does not take it as you do.

Answer 5

I think what she is saying is that having a child when you are a teenager will make your life much more difficult. By the daughter agreeing, she has probably had many conversations about this with her mother. The daughter also lived through the difficult times. She has seen first hand how hard it was for herself and her mother.

I think most girls who have a baby at 16 would want something better for their daughters. I do not think that is saying "you made my life hard" at all. I think it is saying, "do not make your life hard like I did."

Answer 6

I think what she said is fine.  She isn't saying that having the daughter messed up her life, she meant that becoming a mom at such a young age (as in the mother's poor choice) was a mistake.  If the girl was hurt by the comment and took it the wrong way, then your friend can elaborate.  But I would really leave it alone, since it doesn't sound like that's the case.

Answer 7

Yes she is right. She's not saying that she regrets having her daughter. She's saying she should have waited and it's the truth.  She wants to let her daughter know that it isn't easy doing what she did and who better to put as an example but she herself? The daughter, hearing that from and about the mother, will get the point even more and she will understand and be discouraged. I know it may sound a little forward and crude, but that's the way you have to be sometimes with kids to get the point across.

Answer 8

I am sure that she didn't mean for it to sound like that but it does sound like it could make the kid feel guilty.

Answer 9

I think that it is good that she told her daughter this because she was being honest and she apparently doesn't want her daughter to end up like her... if she really is in a terrible situation...

And I'm sure the daughter will understand when she is older.

=]

Answer 10

It  will cause low  self-esteem and  thus  very  harmful to  child;advised  that she  be told  the story  in a positive  light

Answer 11

It sounds really bad, if I was that kid I think I would lock myself in my room and cry for a while.

Answer 12

I think that depends on the relationship between the mother and daughter. I personally don't think it was wrong, it sounds like it is a conversation that they have had before in private with her being an example of what will happen if that choice is made. I am sure that the daughter has been reassured that she was not a mistake and that she is loved, but it doesn't take away from the reality that having a child at a young age does make life hard and I don't feel that expressing that is negative or will damage how the child feels about her/himself.

Answer 13

it depends. how does she talk to her daughter about other issues? are her and her daughter close, does her daughter know that she is loved regardless?? i had my daughter young, and i say about the same thing. only i don't think i have said-you don't want to end up like me, i say that she would want more choices than i had. my daughter is now 12. if she is continually making comments all the time about what she has missed out on, then no, she shouldn't have said that. also depends on how sensitive her daughter is. if her daughter is a mature young lady, that listens to her mother and they are close, then  i am sure that  the daughter knows that her mom didn't mean it in a hurtful way-but i can see where you are coming from. it does sound kind of bad to someone on the outside circle! my daughter is confident in mine & her relationship. she jokes sometimes that she was the best "mistake" i ever made-she knows i love her endlessly, and wouldn't change anything for the world.!

Answer 14

AS LONG AS THE DAUGHTER DIDNT TAKE IT THE WAY YOU DID THEN NO I DONT THIN THERE IS ANYTHING WRONG WITH TELLING HER THAT.