Is it right for wives to be so jealous and possessive of their hubbies?

Question

I have lots of married guy friends and I have gone outof my way to be friends with their wives, but they still don't trust me and some of them limit their hubbies from any outside interaction with me- even platonic emails, or going to lunch. It's so bad with one friend right now thathis wife calls him the minute he goes to lunch and the minute he gets off work just to see and test him if he is talking to me. I mean, he never admits this to me, but I can tell that this is what the conversation is about. These friends have to sneak to go to lunch with me and probably lie- then feel guilty and act weird around me, as if I am the OW they are cheating somehow with. This is BS. I am not a homewrecker or have any intentions of snagging their guy. But I do like to explore friendships- especially intellectually. Is this a freakin crime. And since when is it okay for women or men to be so controlling of anyone. I am attached and I allow my SO to have female friends. Should they see me as the OW?

Answer 1

No it isn't, and your use of the word 'hubbies' is more than a little twee.

Answer 2

The answer lies within your own writing.

You said you "allow" your SO to have female friends.

Just because you're ok with something, doesn't take away the fact that at some point he had to clear it with you first.

Regardless of whether you are ok with it, or your friends wives are not, it is still somewhat controlling to assume he has to clear it with you first.

Or maybe that's what most people would call respect and communication.

Your friends wives don't want them to have friendships with single women.  That's their battle to fight, not yours.

Answer 3

No, they shouldn't. Your intentions are perfectly innocent. What they're doing is emotional abuse.

Answer 4

It's not you that they don't trust, it's their husbands. Remember "Fidelity isn't natural, but jealousy is".

Answer 5

No it is not right.  I don't put up with junk like that.  My friends were there before the girlfriend, they will be there after the girlfriend.  Many of my friends are girls.  On the first instance of jealous behavior, I explain that my intentions are to remain friends with my friends and that is all.  On the second instance, I get a new girlfriend.  Jealousy is not endearing, it is oppressive.  Life is too short to allow other people's ticks to hold you down.

Answer 6

Ah i see you have had a glimpse into the mans world, what we men like to call the pu*#y whipped stage which sadly effects 85% of men who when they were single were their own man then they get married/serious and BANG they have no backbone

Its a story as old as time itself and that every male has witnessed this happening to at least one of their best mates

And i know this will sound harsh but tell your males friends to grow some balls for once or dont bother (maybe the thought of losing your friendship might be the wake up call they need) maybe but from the sounds of it i doubt it

If not then they wernt really your friend in the first place

Answer 7

I think if a guy feels he has to sneak around to have lunch with you things are probably not as pure as you describe.

One thing women are good at is picking up on vibes. Especially ones given off by other women.

I have to wonder what your fixation is with married men? Why not have single men friends?

If you are so attached why aren't you having lunch with your SO?

Most of all, if everything is so platonic as you suggest, why does it bother you so much that married men are not allowed around you?

There is definately more to you than meets the page.

Answer 8

Wow, it seems married women ARE really threatened by single women.  I suspect some of these women may have dated their husbands when they were married to a previous wife and are acting out of guilt and jealousy.

Many people mistake jealously and controlling behavior for love, because that is what they have known in the past.  Both the husband and the wife secretly or unconsciously enjoy the behavior, or one of them would put a stop to it.  If the wives really loved their husbands they would trust them.  If a guy is going to cheat on his wife, overly jealous behavior can even drive them to begin to lie about innocent things, which can lead to lying about bigger things, such as a real affair.

Maybe you should just grab the phone and tell the wife that you don't want anything more than a friendship with her husband....Does the woman think their husband is such "Hot Stuff" that all other women want him....get real.

Answer 9

Your intentions are innocent but the thing is if wives don't have right to be jealous and possessive of their hubbies, then whose right is it?

They probably think that you are better than them in some way (maybe looks-wise or intellect-wise or personality-wise etc) that they don't want anything to happen even innocently.

As for the guys as friends--just let them be and let them (both them and their wives) decide if they want friendship with you. Let them both be comfortable with you and trust in you so that you can have the friendship even with the wife too. This will better your chance for having a good friendship with an intellectual man and his trusting wife.

If one or both of them are not comfortable to pursue the friendship, then leave it--better to get willing friends than unwilling ones right?

So, with the current married male friends, see if you can have friendships with their wives too or let them decide if they want to have friendship with you or not. If not, then nothing you can do about it other than finding some other friends.

Good luck! And I hope you won't have to realize the feelings the wives feel when you get in the same situation in future.

Answer 10

I have lots of male friends. When they start dating a new female, we remind ourselves of our little motto: "I was there before them, and I'll be there after them", meaning that I was friends with my guy friends way before they met their girlfriends/wives etc. When they break up, I'll still be their friend.

I think some women can be a little ridiculous over their spouses. While it's fine to be jealous to some degree (in my opinion, it shows that you care), I don't think it's fine to not trust your spouse so much that you're calling them before, during, and after a meal that they had with one of their female friends.

These women need to face reality. Their husbands likely work with females. They will encounter beautiful women who aren't their wives every single day. If their husbands love them and want the relationship to work out, they won't cheat on their wives. It's that simple. I'm sure you're not a temptress who lures men in sexually. I'm not either. I totally know where you're coming from.

So many women my male friends have dated have been jealous of me because of the platonic relationships I'm able to have with my guy friends and the fact that they still want to hang out with me even if they have girlfriends. Yes, some girls are just that cool and can hang with the big boys. Congratulations on being that cool.

Edit: Why are so many of these women intent on blaming other women for their problems in their own personal lives? If your husband cheats on you, he was going to do it anyway, with or without the help of one of his best friends, that, may I add, knew him before you did (if this is the case). Take a step back. Look in the mirror. Are you not the woman you used to be? Is there trouble in paradise? It is almost never the other woman's fault. Us women never blame our men when they cheat, we always blame the other woman. I'm sorry, but are you ladies trying to say your husbands can't think for themselves and that you don't trust them at all? They aren't pets. They're men. Let freedom ring! Stop being so insecure.

Answer 11

Well, for some reason your friends' wives don't like you. Whether you have any intention of 'snagging' their husbands or not, they don't trust you.  haven't you got any women friends you can go to lunch with?

Answer 12

Why are you 'friends' with married men?

You need to knock this off. Go make some real friends.

You are making them fight with their wives, if you were a real friend instead of someone who LIKES because the cause of a man fighting with his wife you'd back off.

Answer 13

I hope this doesn't come across as rude, but I'm going to be blunt with you because you sound like you can handle bluntness, and i can't think of a better way to say this.

If you know that these women don't want you emailing or having lunch with their husbands, why are you sneaking around having lunch with their husbands?? I wouldn't trust you either if that is the kind of thing you're going to do. If you know it upsets their wives and causes marital friction, then have some respect for their wives and back off. It's a bit selfish to cause problems in someone else's marriage just because *you* want to explore a friendship with these married men. If you care about these guys, think about what's best for them and stop causing problems.

It isn't wrong for a wife to be jealous of the time her husband spends with other women. It's reasonable to be wary of him wanting to have lunch one-on-one with another woman. It isn't an issue of control, but of appropriateness. Affairs very often start as "we're just friends, it's nothing". One small innocent little baby step can take both of you down a road you never intended to set out on. For his sake as well as yours, you should stop seeking out their company one-on-one. You could always carry on the friendship by getting together with these guys along with their wives and your SO - everything would be nice and above-board then. No worries.

Answer 14

Those women think that marriage means that you become someones property. If they are that untrusting of their husbands than they married the wrong men. Either that or they are extremely insecure.

Their insecurity may be justified OR it may just be based on low self-esteem.

Either way.... this question is a good advertisement for staying single. You should continue to be friends with these married men as long as the men themselves don't have a problem with it. There wives are not your problem.

It's amazing what people will put up with out of FEAR of dieing alone.

Sad...

Answer 15

Its their problem....some women are really co-dependent on their husbands. Its their own fault. Don't let it faze you. Apparently you threaten them, o well they will get over it or not. Good on you girl, your strong and independent..they know it and they cant handle it.

Answer 16

Just because you believe your intentions to be innocent, doesn't mean the intentions of those married men are. Perhaps their wives sense something odd about the way their husbands want to hang out with another woman - without inviting them.

I'm friends with a couple and when the man came to hang out with me alone because he was bored, she called him and gave him a grilling. I thought 'Good on you girl!'. It shows that she won't take any cr*p. I also get annoyed and give my fella a grilling if he calls her... I know that nothing would happen. But its foolish not to be vigilant about your spouse hanging out with someone of the opposite s*x without you.

A bit of jealousy (within bounds) is a sign that you want to protect what is dear to you - its not uneasonable.

Answer 17

Its too hard to answer... That is a question only someone who really knows you could answer... Really though you should try to find couple friends; its so much nicer.

Answer 18

They have every right to feel that way, any human would feel jealous of course.. Jus don't go over the line, where obviously something bad will grow out of it..

Answer 19

It's hard to tell without being there whether you are minimizing things that the guys' wives are right to feel weird about, or whether they're legitimately overreacting.   I mean, my husband has female friends who he talks to and e-mails and has known longer than he's known me, and I really don't mind.  But if he suddenly quit going to lunch with me and started going out with, say, his pretty young lab technician instead, I'd feel a little jilted even if I believed that all they were doing was talking about work.